Somewhat Offensive Leprechaun Joke
This used to be my all time favorite joke. I read it in Maxim years ago. P.S. I didn’t write this joke. If you aren’t of average height (some people prefer 1 term while others prefer another), I’m not trying to demean you.
A guy goes to the restroom in a bar. While at the urinal he looks next to him and sees a midget. He says “Wow, you have a big dick. I wish I had a dick that big.” “Well I’m a leprechaun. I can grant you one wish.” “Really? How?” “If you let me fuck you I’ll grant you that wish.” So while their having sex the guy yells out “I can’t believe I’m getting fucked by a leprechaun!” The midget says “I can’t believe you think I’m a leprechaun.”
Through the Years
2011-Laid Up, Writing About Weed Movies & Salivating Over Harrison Ford
I was still in some muscle pain due to having recently moved a giant picnic table so I wouldn’t have to read in the rain during a sojourn (info on that in my Charlie Sheen style post). I was laid up for about a month. So I passed on going out on St. Patrick’s Day because I didn’t want to be jostled. While I was chilling I decided to do a Netflix post on my top drinking movies. I couldn’t find any aside from those that I’d written about in my Top Sex Comedies on Netflix Streaming post so I put together the choices/outline for my Top Stoner Comedies On Netflix Streaming for 4/20 post instead.
Plus I drank whiskey and watched Morning Glory for the first time.
2010-Bingo & Sarah Jessica Parker
Went to bingo in St Patty’s attire. There was a talent contest so I sang, Beer by Psychostick because I thought that it was funny. Plus I don’t know Irish songs. Not surprisingly the mostly elderly crowd was not amused. A 30+ seller in a band tee said she liked it though. My father told a joke. It went over well but he did not win. Our *completely unbiased* opinion is that he was robbed.
I didn’t go out drinking that Halloween as I hadn’t had fun solo on the previous St. Patty’s Day. When I got home I drank modified White Russians and watched Did You Heart About the Morgans? for the first time.
2009-Super Old Time Rock N Roll
That year I really wanted to go out so I dragged someone who doesn’t drink with me as a DD. I got super trashed and sang karaoke. I started out with Maroon 5’s Harder to Breathe (of course). I later moved on to Old Time Rock and Roll because I love it and thought that the over 60 karaoke DJ would enjoy it, he did. When I say super wasted I mean it. I had to prove to the bartender that I had a DD to order my first drink (yay, for having to get hammered to leave your house, thanks social anxiety!) and was later told by my DD “I’ve never seen someone so drunk” and she used to work in a bar. Yeah. Oh I also hit on and was rejected by ugly guys which is always a treat.
2008-Right To The Fell’s Point (the best one!)
That year I was living in Bmore and we had all decided to go out for St. Patty’s Day. Of course we decided to pregame before. Guitar Hero is obviously important to include in your pregaming activities. I didn’t have any money so I decided that I had to get as drunk as possible before we left since I couldn’t buy drinks at the bar.
I got pretty wasted (in a good way though) and barely remember the bar. We went to Rodos and even though they were at capacity they let us in because we were regulars.
After that we came home and drank some more. I remember drinking Natty Bohs and then making Jason eat a spoon of the icing I was eating which was really funny. BTW-Natty Bohs and icing don’t go well together.
Yo Boy Plumbers
The next day I was woken up by banging on the front door. There was a girl in bed next to me. I assumed it was Donna. At the door were 3 young guys who were yelling ‘Yo, let us in, it’s the plumbers”. I would later refer to them as the Yo Boy Plumbers. I let them in and 2 tall skinny guys and 1 tall fat guy entered. Our usual maintenance guy was an older short guy so that was unusual in itself. Two of our radiators had been broken for like a month and we kept calling and they had finally shown up. They kept telling me how it wasn’t even cold but we had been freezing our asses off. The thing was it was 9 or 10 in the morning and these guys were incredibly high. They kept hopping around and laughing and making jokes which is really annoying when you are hung over.
They saw the table full of cups and bottles and were like “Late night, huh?” and said they hadn’t gone out. Then I took them to my sister’s bedroom and they fixed that radiator. After they left I took care of the dog and got ready. My sister woke up and yelled at me. It turns out that my friend Jen was the one in bed with me because she didn’t want to drive home drunk. Donna had been in her room the whole time they were working on the radiator and she had been sleeping in very little clothing under her sheet.
2006-Death & Johnny Depp
In 2006 my sister Donna called and invited me to visit her in Bmore (before I lived there I often visited) because she knew that I had never partied for St. Patty’s Day before (I’m a later bloomer). We went out to the now defunct Baja Beach Club. It was okay but not great that night. The next day my mother called and told me that my aunt Charlotte had been found dead the day before but hadn’t told me because she didn’t want to ruin St. Patrick’s Day for me. Donna and I wet to the carnival and to see The Libertine (great flick BTW) to take our minds off of it. Trying not to cry at a carnival isn’t fun. Another year my late brother called and asked for the above joke that I had told him when he was drying out for a week a month or two prior.
A Fun, Goofy St Patty’s Day Look
Last Updated: March 2012