(I wrote this down a few days ago when I was upset to amuse myself. These things aren’t just random and do have a basis in reality but I’m not sure if I will be updating this post with an explanation or just let them stand for themselves.)
I liked you better before the stroke.
Hey, you’re wearing a sweater in July, are you anorexic?
I prefer Lindsay Lohan’s Edge of Seventeen cover.
It’s starting to rain, I have to go drug my dog.
I think children should be leashed in public.
To Missionaries Who Come To Your House: I’m an atheist. Please leave and never come back.
I think all drugs should be legalized.
In A Haunted House: These lights are giving me a seizure.
I really hate that I got paired with the gay guy to dissect a frog.
You soy pequito Espanol.
I can’t find these pink hot pants in my niece’s size.
I prefer government cheese to Velveeta.
Do you want something to eat? No, I plan on drinking later.
I used to write bad poetry too.
Aren’t you gonna finish that pitcher of daiquiris? It cost me $6.
Why are you hitting on me when you’re obviously gay?
You’re the guy from the bathroom.
That baby is so cute. I wish I had a baby. Me too. (in the vicinity of a friend you slept with but aren’t dating)
To A Doctor:
I demand to be fully sedated for this operation.
Fuck You.
You don’t know what you’re talking about. You can’t speak English and you just added 2+5 and held up 8 fingers.
Hi, I'm Mary. I share awesome things with the world. 
