Movie Quotes: Zack and Miri Make a Porno

Zack and Miri Make a Porno is a hilarious film by Kevin Smith starring Seth Rogen and Elizabeth Banks about two best friends who decide to film a porno together because they are destitute.

I love Craig Robinson.

 

video made by Rogen and Banks to promote the movie

Funny promo ID I made when the film was released. The site is still up, just click this pic to go make your own.

 

Zack: “That’s actually my fault, I should tell you, I asked for Friday morning off, so, sorry about that”
Delaney: “For what?”
Zack: “I actually just need a lot of recovery time, uh, tonight is me and Miri’s high school reunion, I’m just gonna get fuckin alcohol poisoning”

Zack: “What if you could do it all over again?”
Delaney: “I would jerk off and live by myself. That woman is the bane of my existence.”

Miri: “Tell me this doesn’t rock”
Zack: “It looks like you’re fuckin Ronald McDonald, it makes me want some chicken nuggets.”

Zack: “…no I’m a guy, give me 2 Popsicle sticks and a rubber band, I’ll find a way to fuck it, like a filthy MacGuyver”

Miri: “Is this sexy?”
Zack: “Yeah, in a To Catch A Predator sort of way, it’s pretty fuckin sexy”

Miri: “Look, even though we’re broke and we never amounted to anything we’re still better than these people, right?”
Zack: “No, not at all, we’re probably not even as good as most of em unless one of them’s a crackhead or something”

Bobby Long: “Well listen to you, thank you”
Miri: “No, don’t thank me, just fuck me”

Zack: “…see that right there, the one dressed like Hannah Montana”
Brandon St Randy: “In L.A. we call that Nickelodeon chic.”

Zack: “Who is your demographic?”
Brandon St Randy: “Do you like pussy?”
Zack: “yes”
Brandon St Randy: “Then not you”

Miri: “..that did not sound good, I fuck a lot is what I mean, that didn’t sound good either”

Miri: “You’re gay and I’m on the internet wearing a diaper?”
Brandon St Randy: “Who knew you’d come to Pittsburgh and meet a celebrity?”
Miri: “I’m gonna binge drink now until I pass out.”

Zack: “They fight just like real people.”

Miri: “You jest but these are the exact circumstances that people find themselves in right before they start having sex for money or makin porn.”

Miri: “If it’s so easy why doesn’t everybody do it?”
Zack: “Because other people have options and dignity, which we do not have, which puts us in an amazingly advantageous situation.”

Zack: “Porn has gone mainstream, it’s like Coca Cola or Pepsi with dicks in it…”

Miri: “Nobody wants to see us fuck”
Zack: “Everybody wants to see anybody fuck, I hate Rosie O Donnell but if somebody told me they had a video of her gettin fucked stupid I’d be like ‘why aren’t we watching that right now?'”

Zack: “Okay, you don’t want to fuck a stranger in a porno movie, for some reason…”

Zack: “This guy is amazing”
Miri: “He’s great lookin too”
Zack: “I wanna fuck him”

Zack: “Dawn of the Dick”
Miri: “But how are zombies doing it at all sexy?”
Zack: “I want to eat your brain, and your ass…”

Stacey: “Oh wait, oral, I like anal”

Lester: “Lester the Molester Cockinshtuff”
Zack: “That is the best porn name I’ve ever heard”
Lester: “I can have a porn name? Then I pick Pete Jones.”

Lester: “If I have to fuck a guy okay, but I’d rather fuck a girl”

Delaney: “On the other hand, fuck my wife”

Delaney: “What, Han Solo ain’t never had no sex with Princess Leia in the Star War!”

Lester: “Shit, are we really gonna shoot this in outer space?”

Miri: “like you know what you’re doing down there at all”
Zack: “I actually don’t, where’s the clitoris again? Is it in your ass?”

Zack: “It’s a movie, what could go wrong?”

Delaney: “I just wanted to see some free titties, that’s all, but there’s no such thing as free titties, is there Zack, is there?”

Zack: “Swallow My Cockucinno!”

Zack: “Look at all this production value, just waiting for us to put balls on it”

Delaney: “Don’t do that, the little dog don’t like that.”

Delaney: “I like that guy, but if he tries to fuck that little dog tonight, for real, I’m calling the Humane Society.”

Zack: “More tongue…little less tongue”

drunk customer: “Did you see the game? I was at it. Fuckin Rothis…Rothilsberger, the quarterback, was like, hug it, chuck it, football all night”

Zack: “What an artist, that guy, wasn’t that Kurosawa’s motto, ‘shit goin into other shit’?”

Deacon: “Jesus, what is that? A rumba?”
Lester: “What’s a rumba?”
Deacon: “That awkward movement.”

Miri: “That’s too dirty”
Zack: “Really?”
Miri: “That offends me”

Delaney: “This is the worst porno I’ve ever seen.”

Zack: (after sex with Miri) “That was fun”
Miri: “Yeah, fun”

Delaney: “In my producer capacity I’m shutting down the movie for tonight so we can get a little silly.”

Delaney: “So why don’t they just shoot you with a puck?”
Zack: “What do you mean?”
Delaney: “I mean what does paintball got to do with hockey?”
Zack: “Nothing, I guess”
Delaney: “So ain’t no prizes or?”
Zack: “No, no”
Delaney: “So, what they paying $5 for?”
Zack: “To shoot a Broad Street Bully…in the balls.”
Delaney: “White people are fucked up.”
Zack: “Yup, they sure are”

Lester: “…she said she missed the smell of you or some shit. (sniffs Zack). I don’t smell shit but that probably means she loves you or something.”

Other cool stuff is available at Kevin Smith’s official store, Jay and Silent Bob’s Secret Stash.

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