Movie Quotes: A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas

(as per usual spoilers abound)



A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas is the third in the hilarious trilogy about two stoners who end up unintentionally going on wild drug filled adventures. This time it’s set during Christmas which means that those classic Christmas features can be incorporated, such as Santa, musicals, claymation and small, servile robots (oh wait, maybe those are just 80s related). Or as I gushed to the director Todd Strauss-Schulson who retweeted me on twitter.

(after jumping on Santa’s lap in a mall)
Kumar: “Santa!”
Mall Santa: “Kumar, No”
Mom in Line: “C’mon, is this a joke?”
Kumar: “Hold the fuck on Reba, your son can rub his ass on Santa’s cock in a minute”
Mall Santa: “What do you want for Christmas young man?”
Kumar: “That’s a really good question. I want a Snoopy Sno-Cone Machine
Mall Santa: “Done”
Kumar: “and a DeLorean”
Mall Santa: “Yes”
Kumar: “I want the Wu-Tang Clan to get back together”
Mall Santa: “I’ll tell the elves”
Kumar: “and by the way this is just for my stockings okay, for my real present…”

Adrian: “…to a party she’s throwing in Manhattan, best part of all you’re coming with me”
Kumar: “No can do man, I gotta stay here and smoke this week, otherwise I won’t get high…”

Todd: “All right, I’ll Skype you later, or text you, or both”

 

Maria: “Now c’mon on fuck a baby into me”

Vanessa: “I’m pregnant”
Kumar: “Pregnant? We, we practiced safe sex. I mean I pulled out and came on your back, maybe a couple of squeaks got by but is that all it takes?”
Vanessa: “Yes, that’s all it takes. No wonder you flunked outta med school”

Harold: “You look terrific, did you lose weight or?”
Kumar: “Oh, a gained quite a bit, actually…”

(inside of Harold’s house)
Kumar: “Hey, this place is like not shitty”
Harold: “Ah, thank you, the bay window’s brand new actually, we just put that in last week, the sconces are new, the sconces are actually brand new”
Kumar: “Yeah I was gonna say it looks like you guys got some awesome sconces” (cringes)
Harold: “Thank you, that’s very sweet of you”

Harold: “Maria’s dad grew that tree and now it is dead. Koreans killed his mother and now this tree. Christmas is ruined.”

Todd: “Freeze, this is a robbery, give me all your friendship…”

Adrian: “So you two own this tree lot?”
Lamar: “Yeah, what a couple of brothers can’t sell trees? Only swing from em like monkeys you honkey”
Adrian: “What? No, of course not, you can do both”

Adrian: “…pussy’s not like yogurt, it has an expiration date”
Kumar: “Yogurt has an expiration date”
Adrian: “Does it? Damnit, okay, that explains a lot…”

Todd: “You got my baby high!”

Ava: “I got the munchies”
Todd: “Great, now we’ve got to stop and get some disgusting food for her so she can come down from her trip, fantastic”

Adrian: “…also I told her you work for the White House”
Kumar: “Yeah, like anyone’s gonna believe that”

Todd: “…ah, Cocaine! Have you kids never seen VH1’s Behind the Music? Do you not know what cocaine can do to the mind of a person as young as you?”

Kumar: “Okay dude, do you feel kinda weird?”
Harold: “Yeah, I do actually. My face is feeling kinda numb.
Kumar: “Fuck, I bet these kids put something in here”
Harold: “Was it drugs? Was it semen?”
Kumar: (gargles drink) It doesn’t taste like semen.”

Mary: “Sorry, I don’t date black guys” (about Kumar)

Kumar: “Uh, excuse me, Miss, I’m not gonna let you rape my friend on Christmas Eve, all right, he’s married”

Adrian: “Your coke baby has super powers”

Harold: “Holy shit, dude, you’re claymated”

Rosenberg: “Okay don’t start with this, all right, just cuz your wife made you convert doesn’t mean you’re not a Jew. His name is Seth Goldstein for christ sake”
Goldstein: “First of all, don’t ever take the lord’s name in vain, secondly I was baptized bitch!”
Goldstein: “The second the priest poured that holy water over me all my Jewish neurosis and self hatred just washed right off.”
Kumar: “Sounds like you’re really enjoying your new religion”
Goldstein: “Dude, it’s the balls, these dirty Jew bastards have no idea what they’re missing, fishing, hunting, I can tie knots on a sail boat. I’ve made some terrible investments, doesn’t bother me a bit. And guess what? Next week I have an appointment to get uncircumcised. That’s right I’m gonna get my schnozzle”

Kumar: “…then I’ll head down to the nun’s shower room”
Harold: “I didn’t know the nuns all showered in the same room”
Kumar: “Of course they do, how do you think they stay so clean?”


Kumar: “…you and I will get the tree, we’ll take it back to your place and when Maria’s dad comes home and sees this beautiful tree sitting in your living room he’ll jizz all over it”

Kumar: “No, dude, I don’t understand. Look at you man, you’ve got a great job, you make good money, you don’t beat your wife, what more could a Latino father in law wish for?”

Neil Patrick Harris: “Oh, what did I tell you about using tongue?”
David Burtka: “You said you wanted it to look realistic”
Neil Patrick Harris: “Yeah realistic, not fucking gay as shit. You know the only reason I put up with this homo crap is for the P’Tang”

Neil Patrick Harris: “Fuck Savage, that rock is mine”

Gracie: “Oh my god, I thought you were gay”
Neil Patrick Harris: “I am gay, gay for that pussy”

Neil Patrick Harris: “Morty, Kumar, long time”



Kumar: “Time the fuck out Neal, how the fuck are you still alive?”
Harold: “Yeah, how the fuck are you still alive man?”
Neil Patrick Harris: “What you talkin’ bout?”
Harold: “We saw you get shot, remember?”
Neil Patrick Harris: “You have to be more specific”
Kumar: “in that whorehouse”
Harold: “in Texas”
Kumar: “you branded a prostitute”
Harold: “remember?”
Neil Patrick Harris: “oh yeah, now I remember…”

(on heaven)
Neil Patrick Harris: “…the chicks were hot, the music was sick, there were lasers, it was like being famous in the early 90s”

Jesus: “I’m sure you recognize me but I’m Jesus, so”
Neil Patrick Harris: “Jesus?”
Jesus: (points at crucifix necklace) “Jesus Christ, that’s me, I’m Jesus Christ”

(or the version that was cut but used for commercials/trailers)
Jesus: “Neil Patrick Harris. Welcome to heaven, I’m Jesus”
Neil Patrick Harris: Jesus?”
Jesus: “Christ, I practically run this place”
Neil Patrick Harris: “Oh, for reals?”
Jesus: “I mean my dad owns it but I’m kinda number 1”
Neil Patrick Harris: “Oh, you’re one of those”

Neil Patrick Harris: “Okay, ladies I’m Neil Patrick Harris, I played Private Carl Jenkins in Starship Troopers”

Neil Patrick Harris: “Jesus, what a cockblock”

Kumar: “You’re not gay motherfucker!”
Harold: “at all”

Neil Patrick Harris: “…hey Merry Christmas guys, we’ll see you in the next one”

Todd: “No, no, no more cocaine”
Ava: (rubbing face) “I need it, I need it”

Kumar: “No, nobody’s dying Claus, not on my watch”

You Might Also Enjoy:
Top Stoner Comedies On Netflix Streaming for 4/20
Movie Quotes: Horrible Bosses
Movie Quotes: The Hangover Part 2
Movie Quotes: Bad Teacher
Movie Quotes: What’s Your Number?

(source for the gifs: V-H-S.tumblr.com)

Related Posts with Thumbnails
Share

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

CommentLuv badge