A while back I happened to be browsing the biographies section of our local library. I was mainly looking for author bios but a brightly colored book stuck out. Grabbing it off the shelf my inner 5 year old was giddy. The book was Miss Piggy’s Guide to Life. I was in awe, I was excited, I was confused.
The book was published in 1983 (the year of my birth!) and was written as told to Henry Beard (aka by him, since she’s a muppet). Apparently he was one of the founders of the National Lampoon magazine.
The crazy thing is that it’s an awesome book. As I repeatedly perused the pages I knew that had to share it with you guys. It’s funny, empowering to women (odd since it’s by a man in the early ’80s) and written with an adult tone. Though tempting I did not scan the entire book (also plagiarism, ahem) but I wanted to highlight some key parts.
Now let’s bask in the wonder of Miss Piggy’s wisdom, aka one of my role models while growing up (which also includes Dolly Parton, hmm, no wonder I’m a bottle blonde).
1. Complexion Perfection
Miss Piggy advises a simple skin care regime of basically washing your fae with water, admiring it and then eating candy, how can you go wrong?
Yes, tanning is bad for you, blah, blah, blah. If you’re saying that you never do it though, you are lying. She advises tanning in moderation as Kermit has been known to go from green to blue with too much exposure.
Obviously not for serious depression but if you have a bit of the blues think about things that could be worse (see above). No TV, the horror!
(please read her scale)
Sure you could diet but it’s restrictive and not at all fun, besides you probably burn some calories just being your amazing self, right?
4. Have a Little Fun (ex. Spin the Bottle)
This is actually under party planning advice but I just needed to share that somewhere out there muppets are playing spin the bottle. BTW-a quick spin the bottle tip from moi? Don’t let it evolve into groping. The whole group dynamic goes down the toilet.
If you’re bf could actually exercise for you that would be amazing. Yes, you can exercise but don’t forget about all of the above activities you may do that already burn calories.
6. How to Model
Modeling is actually under exercise. I know that sounds ridiculous but there have been times that I woke up the next day after taking photos and wondered why does this muscle hurt? Oh yeah, I was crouching down for that perfect shot. These are some key pin up looks that I recommend you try ASAP. So fun!
7. Choosing a Career (based on the clothes)
Before Elle Woods, Miss Piggy also considered a career in law but the robes are just not flattering. She’s a wonderful model but she isn’t into actually dieting so she also rules that out. The underground food critic option sounds like a good choice for her, though I abhor the outfit.
In case this sounds like an odd way to choose a career I must tell you a tale. As someone who has always been fascinated by fashion my father once remarked after seeing me browsing a Newport News catalog, “you can wear suits like that every day if you become a secretary”. Surprisingly I was a teen in the 90s, not the 40s, I know, I know.
As any modern woman of the 80s, or 90s, or whatever the hell you call the decade that we currently reside in, who the fuck wants to cook? Not moi. Order takeout instead and save your energy for after dinner smooches.
The message that you take away from this book is surprisingly better than any actual, serious self help book I’ve ever read. Don’t take life so seriously and have some fun!
FYI-This book is out of print (sigh), so most people are gouging the price of it.