Fuck, Fuck, Fuck the Inbetweeners

diet coke laura lewis
photo is by Laura Lewis

I’ve been meaning to write this for years. It originated with fashion blogs. I see many plus size bloggers and straight sized bloggers, but I don’t fit in with either. I’m a 10-12 or 11-13 (juniors’s) and a whole myriad of sizes depending on the designer. I have clothes from XS to XL.

Recently I’ve been more into sex bloggers, I still don’t fit. I’m an in betweener. I see very thin sexy bloggers, sizes 00-6 and then plus, 20+. I just don’t fit.

As a pre-teen/teen in the 90s I was considered average to fat. I was called fat so much that I have a complex.

I have disordered eating. I don’t even like people (even MDs or nurses knowing my weight, but it’s on my MM profile, go figure). I’ll eat so healthy and then veer the other way. I have suffered from exercise bulimia. In case you are unaware, that is bad, very bad, psychologically. I won’t drop dead, probably, like my late uncle, that I never met, who had a heart attack after a starvation diet. But..that possibility is always there.

I hate myself. I don’t want to, I know it’s irrational, but I still do. I want to be thin, I want to be beautiful, I want to be the archetype of my youth, sized 6, 130lbs. I was so close once, but alas, I freaked out, with reason, I mean, I exercised a minimum of 4 hours per day.

Yes, that’s bad. I don’t want to back slide. This is my cry for help, I guess, NEDA week/month is in Feb. I want to be better by then. I want to be healthy, not scared.

I don’t want to count calories, I can’t, it’ll fuck me up. I just want to be me.

I was vegan for a period of time, as a hobby, to occupy me. It helped to teach me about new foods, but it didn’t “FIX ME”. I really don’t think anything ever will. I feel even worse for the current generation. (from this 80s BABY)

Ideas? Suggestions? Not if you are super skinny or if you don’t know or don’t understand what I’m going through. If you think overexercise is good then don’t fuck with me, I will try to help you. If that doesn’t work I will dismiss you.

Are you with me on this in between crusade? Let me know. I’d love to interview you, regardless of your blog (or lack thereof)-fashion, sex, what have you, I don’t discriminate.

You may also enjoy:
NEDA Week: Types of Eating Disorders & Disordered Eating-my story is here
NEDA Week: Personal Stories of Exercise Bulimia
NEDA Week: 5 Eating Disorder Playlists
NEDA Week: On Marilyn Vos Savant or why the word’s smartest woman isn’t that smart

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