Holidays are the Worst


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Patty Duke in Valley of the Dolls

Patty Duke in Valley of the Dolls

If possible, on almost any given holiday, I would like to be tranquilized, Valley of the Dolls/Marilyn Monroe style. Shoot something into me that knocks me out until the day is over. If it’s a holiday in which the festivities last for DAYS, I’d prefer whatever shot does that. Or whatever they took in Romeo & Juliet, I guess.

Yes, I have many holiday related posts on this site. It’s not that they are all lies. Sometimes I really enjoy a holiday or a part of it. Other times I’m trying to muster enthusiasm for something that everyone else seems to think is important.

Is this a part of being a chronically depressed aspie with severe social anxiety? I’d definitely say so.

Holidays are rough, even on average people. There are people with huge extended families or on the other end, very small ones. Both types can have huge arguments randomly at a “holiday family dinner” (a la Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter). There are pressures. What do you do? What do you earn? What’s your relationship status? WHAT are you wearing? What do you mean you don’t say grace/eat meat, etc?

Sometimes all of that may come together and be just fine. Occasionally there’s a nice, calm dinner on a family holiday. Of course I’m conflicted on the origin of many of these holidays any way. I’m an atheist, so anything religious is odd for me. I’m part Native American, which means that Thanksgiving leaves me feeling very conflicted.

Then there are the “social holidays” (ex. New Year’s, Valentine’s Day, St. Patrick’s Day, the Fourth of July, etc). Those can be as awful, well usually more awful for me. Do you have a special someone at the time? If you do, what are they doing? Did you assume that you would be included in their plans or that they would want to do what you had planned? Are you alone? Do you not have any friends? These are real fears.

Fear by Nathan O'Nions

Fear by Nathan O’Nions


My fears are often classified as irrational, but they are mine. I’ve been walking alone around towns, day and night (sometimes with a visible pocketbook, ooh, scandalous) and I’m normally unafraid. I’m unafraid of rape, murder, theft, etc. Insult me or ignore me though and those are what hurt. Those can happen any time. They can just come out of nowhere.

I actually try to be mentally prepared for that shit, as it’s happened so often in the past. However I can be having a good day, an actual good day, that I’m enjoying and be insulted by a sales clerk. Hmm, I thought it was their job to help, not insult you. At least that’s what I did when I was in retail. Okay, that’s a whole other rant.

Still, loneliness is real. Fear of being insulted on your life choices (or what you were able to do, not what others expect) is never something to look forward to.

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