I used to be a writer. When I was four years old, my parents taught me how to read and write my name and address. This was so I could get my library card. The world opened up to me. I was going every day. They had to stay there with me…for hours, until I got my fill…and then have me check out books for third graders. Only then, could I have books that I did not need to return tomorrow. The hours? So I could absorb as many of the books for those my age as possible. On drives, I remember reading all of the stop signs, and lights, and fast food signs…everything.
Within a few years, I begged for a typewriter (this was the late 80s/early 90s), and I GOT ONE! It was amazing. I was SOOOO excited. I wrote ALL OF THE TIME. Not in all caps, like that. I would have chucked those pages. This is for emphasis. I loved it so, though.
I mainly wrote short stories. Even through junior high I was writing, short plays, that would occupy my friends, mainly. In high school? Abysmal poetry was my jam. I thought that if it actually stuck to the rules that it was too mainstream, so a lot of it was complete nonsense.
As an adult, the pressures of life, and my more limited imagination led to this, my blog. I mean, not ONLY this. I wrote at other places on the web as well, but rarely fiction. That marked a bit of a change for me. I loved sharing everything that I was enamored with with the world. It was amazing. It was the grown up version of the e-zine that I had published in high school, only way better.
However, this has change been the biggest. During the last three years I have rarely written at all. Right now I feel the urge to write, and what am I talking about? Writing. No offense to the lovely authors that I adore, but this is often an exercise in how to deal with procrastination and/or writer’s block.
Do nonfiction writers/bloggers get writer’s block? I would have to say yes. Nearly two months ago, I had a huge revelation, but I cannot blame that solely for this. I mean this had been going on for a while.
I do not know my current end game. I only know that this blog will not fully end, not any time soon. I pay to keep it up…every month. I do this for a reason, even if I do not fully know why yet.
Where we are headed with this blog and my Youtube channel. I love all of you supporters. Stay with me. I will me here to entertain and inform you in the future. THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!
Missemmamm.com has been my baby since I started in it, oh 2009 or so, around a decade. I still love it, but I am evolving. I am not writing as much. I am more into video, than words or print at this time. I can blame society, but it is also my preference. At at rate, this is the current “mission statement” or the ultimate idea” of my blog, at this point in time.
No one, controls this idea and/or statement, I pay for this blog/site. This is what I believe in/want to perpetuate. Your choice? What you want to read? I love MYSELF and MAY love all of you! This is about my blogONLY.
If you have always been a fan, I applaud and love you. At any other rate, celebrate, ignore, or ruminate on this.
When it comes to plans and how you treat people, do you think that all of this comes down to a generalized fear of missing out (particularly the social media saturated world that we are living in) or is it just general disregard?
Another heavy issue?
Now, I was born in the 80s and raised in the 90s. I’m a true 80s baby/90s child/teen. Unlike those born in the 90s who glom on to all of our pop culture. We were there. We lived it. And we lived without…just some general things. As a certain type of family, we didn’t even have a home phone when I was a very young child (at least 5 and under). I know others did. That’s not what I’m speaking of. I’m speaking of how children now seem to come out of the womb with an ipad attached to their hands, knowing more about apps than I’ll ever know about appetizers.
Any who, the way that the younger generation, and even those closer to my age currently make plans seems a bit bs to me lately. I mean, growing up, things weren’t set in stone. Yes, I’m on the autism spectrum, yes this influences the fact that I have a thing for plans, but I can bend, a bit. However, when we were younger it was definitely a “thing” to make plans. You got on a landline or a payphone and hoped the other person was home or that their parents or younger brother (yeah, right!) would take down a message letting them know that you called and wanted to hangout.
Now a days, it’s more like a series of messages sent through some type of satellite, via either text or social networking that is basically gouging if you are fun/cool/better than the other person’s established plans or maybe if they can fit you into those plans. I get spontaneity. I don’t expect people to drop everything for me. However, if you’ve contacted everyone you are thinking of hanging with and get a no or a maybe and then start hanging with me, well, that seems like a sign that I’m now your friend that you are hanging with. Maybe I’m wrong, who knows.
I must say that I love Asis Ansari’s bit on this though. So, lately, I try to make plans further in advance, if I actually want them to stick. If they are random, I expect nothing. But if someone is being random, don’t abandon those who picked up the slack. I’m fine with being alone, but not after you drag me into your drama. That’s all I’m saying.
Even though National Eating Disorder Awareness Week was last week, this is pretty much always applicable to some of us. I know this is a “fun site”, but sometime I have to share some insight, instead. Also, I did the below last week, unknowingly during that week, which is kind of kismet.
Oprah is now doing Weight Watchers (and also owns stock in the company). Recently I did that one week Nutrisystem package again. Are these two things related? No, but yeah, in a way-both of us are in a constant fight with our own bodies.
For me, it started with puberty. Well, no, it started before that. I remember what must have been third grade. That was the first time that someone called me fat. That was the first time that I started over analyzing my body, not just my clothes (which had always been in a fun way, prior).
There was a local store, now long since closed that my mom would sometimes take me to and buy me a special dress. We would take as long as I needed to find the perfect one. It would usually end up being worn often-for school photos, assemblies, etc.
The first time I was called fat was in such a dress. It was the very early 90s, the body was a cotton/lycra blend of midnight blue with white and blue polka dot shoulders and a skirt in the same design. A rose punctuated the upper front, where I now have boobs, but then I didn’t because I was about 8. Our class had done something noteworthy and fun, so my teacher took photos of all of us against the wall. Then we glued them to paper stars and taped them in the hallway. I don’t remember what the achievement was. I just remember that one day a kid looked at it and then to me. Then he said “you’re fat”. And I have been, ever since, IN MY HEAD.
My weight has fluctuated, of course, but even at my thinnest I knew it wouldn’t last and that my body was bad and wrong, just in a different way. At that point, I did get a lot of compliments, but also insults-stick, skin and bones, etc. I lost my boobs, a whole cup size. I still didn’t have a waist, to paraphrase Beyonce, I can make my body smaller, but it’s not gonna change the general shape.
Once, midway through 2014’s weight loss, I was told that I had bat wings, I did not, but it drove me crazy. Weights were added to my already strenuous, mostly cardio based workouts. I was a Beach Body coach and I hated my body. It wasn’t a bad experience. I learned about my optimal heart rates, for different times, which has helped when I’ve been ill since.
But, I’m an extremist. I’ll always suffer from disordered eating. I gained back a lot of weight in 2015. I had no time or energy to workout much when I had been working at Disney, prior to that, but I also walked a lot. My pedometer clocked over 20 miles per day, just during my daily life of work and playing in the parks. Even the delicious, Disney buffets that I eventually started dining at couldn’t outdo my metabolism, at that point.
2015 was very different though. On and off, I’d try to be healthy, but then everything was happening. I was finishing my degree, tackling multiple internships, then jobs and love. I did graduate as Salutatorian, I ruined my perfect 4.00 during my last semester while finishing my second internship and getting a full time job. That was incredibly difficult, so my grades suffered slightly. That’s another part of my problem. I may seem like a free spirit and in many ways I am, but in other ways I’m a type A, Monica Gellar personality, who wants everything perfect, a 3.89 isn’t perfect. It’s still very good though. That’s what I need to realize about life, I guess.
I went from my internship/job that was physically oriented, but also, sometimes provided free, cheap processed food to a completely sedentary desk job. Like, you gotta use your break to use the restroom type of deal. Yeah, so while the first definitely wasn’t aiding in my weight loss, the second has basically suffocated it.
I then moved in with my boyfriend. That’s another huge change. I was exhausted. I was not working out like I NEED TO BE, and I started eating a lot of what I want more often. It’s not like I never exercise and have no self control, but I can also walk to a pizza place and be home before the pizza starts to cool. This is another extreme, this binge stage. I would like to have a happy medium, but it’s kind of impossible for me.
A few years ago, I picked up Alicia Silverstone’s cookbook (Amazon referral link). I became vegan. It’s something that I had always wanted to try. I attacked it as a hardcore hobby. I learned a lot, like there are a lot of yummy beans out there. I felt healthier, my skin looked better, but as per usual, it wasn’t just a hobby, it was bordering on becoming an eating disorder itself. It’s a VERY restrictive form of eating. And, just an FYI, I lost a minimal amount of weight.
These are not new, these are patterns for me.
When I was in high school, I was bullied, A LOT, about everything,-name, hair WEIGHT. I couldn’t change my name or my hair (though I did try). I could do something about my weight though, I thought. I dieted a lot. I had the same thing every at day at school for lunch. A meager salad from the school’s salad trough, without dressing. If I felt that I deserved it, for some reason, on a particular day, I’d get an apple as a treat. I exercised, but I also had academic courses, which often amounted to 3-4 hours of homework a night. So, at that point, I was actually exercising at what is considered a healthy amount. However, that’s not enough for my family’s genes. We are not meant to be small people. I was always only losing and then regaining 5 lbs. It was BS.
One day something inside of me snapped. I didn’t exercise and ate junk for about a year. I mainly wore black and wouldn’t allow photos to be taken of me. I usually take a lot of photos, in case you don’t know me well. Sometimes when I talk about this time, which was my heaviest, people think I’m lying because they don’t remember. They were living their own lives. And due to the photo issue, there are only about 3 photos of me at the point.
Eventually, I was spurred to lose weight. My classes were now spread out all over the four story, two building campus. I literally had to run between them (BTW-5 minutes was not a fair amount of time to get between those classes, even for a healthy individual).
After much overexercising, exercise bulimia BTW, and dieting, I got back down to what I still consider to be “my good weight”. The problem was that even at that point, that I couldn’t stop. I restricted more and more.
Then, when I started partying in my early 20s, I found out that binge drinking isn’t all bad as vomiting counteracts any food, I’d actually, finally at the end of the night, allow myself to eat, after a half gallon of vodka. Plus exercising for four hours earlier in the day was really keeping those pounds at bay.
It’s shameful. Once, I was job searching, but getting nowhere. So, I still had free time for these types of workouts, which amount to the time spent at a part time job, basically. I remember a then friend asking what I did all day, while he was working. I still felt fat, even thought I wasn’t, but I also wasn’t skinny. So, I joked that I masturbated a lot, because that’s my dirty sense of humor. I knew it would make him uncomfortable and stop questioning me. It worked.
I feel like this will never stop. I know this, I love clothes, though, so you’ve seen me at many weights, if you’ve viewed my Style File (OOTD) blogs in the past, even if those weights are only slightly different.
I also grew up with an amazing mom, but who has her own body image issues. She still has them, in her 70s. So, yeah. That didn’t/doesn’t help.
I’ve written so much, but I’m at a loss for a good wrap up, because my life is not over, so neither is my struggle.
For more on the NEDA, who has a lot of info on their site about EDs, click here.
This post was written by correspondent Robert Sunshine and edited by me.~missemmamm
I’m not going to lie, I procrastinate. Not on a very frequent level, mind you, but just enough to make me not type as many of these as I want to. I have a thousand and one different subjects in my head, and not nearly enough time to cover them all. So, I think I’m going to just start by covering one that my lovely Emma has wanted me to do, the Philadelphia Wizard World Comic Con art contest. As many of you who frequent the site probably know, the two of us stopped over in Philadelphia for a couple of days to enjoy the magic that is the Wizard World Comic Con. There were so many amazing things there, the food, the community, the artwork. I can go on forever.
But, speaking of art work, yours truly is a bit of an amateur artist. I mainly work on pencil sketches, but I love to draw. I’ve loved drawing since I was in kindergarten. Crayons and markers are always fun, but I will always enjoy the precision of pencils and the permanency of pens. Moving on, the two of us scavenged through some of my artwork and put together a small portfolio for me to enter into the contest along with a Marvel Standard Talent Incentive Enrollment Form. Believe it or not, not a lot of people really entered into this little showing. I didn’t win, because I can only imagine the pure skills everyone else had in front of me. But, to be honest, I didn’t mind.
I was told that I was in the top ten candidates, but that only a couple of people would have a personal interview with the talent agent who was looking through all of our paperwork. Now, on my end I don’t really know exactly how many people signed up altogether. I was told that day it was between 50 and 60. So, ending up in the top ten kinda felt pretty good, considering. What that did for me was fuel my passion even more for drawing, sketching, and just plain doodling. Now I’m going to shamelessly add the artwork onto this blog.
I’ve include some of the ones I submitted (above), along with some more recent drawings, and others I thought about putting in (below). If you think I should have added these pictures, taken some out, or quit art all together, and get a normal job like flipping burgers for minimum wage, I am open to criticism.
In the meantime, I’m going to read an incredible art book from my local book store called DragonArt Collector’s Edition (Amazon affiliate link). This book is filled with incredible how to’s for sketching out and creating these incredible works of beauty. This book is worth every penny you spend, believe me. I recommend buying it.
In the meantime, I’m going to go grab 3 cans of Red Bull and a nice piece of paper, and then crumble it up after 2 hours of work. Then, grab another piece of paper and break down into tears. Until, I grab a third piece of paper, and go fuck it, good enough. Because, that’s how I roll.
You can check out more of Robert Sunshine’s art here on Deviant Art.
Thanks to Wizard World for providing Robert Sunshine and I with a complimentary weekend press pass to the 2015 Wizard World Philadelphia Comic Con. For info on Wizard World’s upcoming cons, please go here.