Archive for the ‘Movie Reviews’ Category

posted by on Movie Reviews, Movies/TV

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This post is for the Dario Argento Director’s Chair on LAMB. I’m a passive Argento viewer. Unlike many horror fans I’m not like super obsessed with him. When I took a look at his filmography Jenifer is the title that jumped out at me.

Jenifer is one of those horror movies that is truly gross. It’s like a car wreck, you can’t look away. Jenifer was a part of the TV series Masters of Horror on Showtime (showcasing one short horror film per week). I really dug Masters of Horror since they had a different guest horror director each week so there was always something new.

Jenifer was written by the star of the film Steven Weber (adapted from a comic). When I first saw it I didn’t know what to expect. I also didn’t realize how wonderfully cracked that Weber was (then). Of course now that I follow his twitter it makes total sense. BTW-Gregory Nicotero (whom I adore) does the makeup.

Jenifer is a simple, creepy tale about someone who, at first, seems to be a battered young woman but is totally monstrous instead. The film starts with cop Weber and his partner who come upon a woman who is being attacked by her boyfriend. Weber has to shoot him. Despite the fact that the woman has a horrific face Weber feels bad for her and rescues her from the institution that she ends up in. It doesn’t hurt that she has a banging body. Orderlies always escort strangers in on helpless women in the shower, right?

When Weber takes her in she instantly flips out his wife when SHE BITES HER ON THE FACE. No shit. Weber is enamored with new poon so he’s sort of indifferent to the attack. It is shown prior to Jenifer’s arrival that their marriage isn’t perfect since they hadn’t slept together in a while but his wife was all psyched to knock boots until he took her too hard. Wait, that’s possible? (Sorry, Weber on the brain.) They also have a teen son (the runaway on Queer as Folk) but he’s not given much to do aside from ogling tits.

Of course the demonic chick and Weber bang in his car so he sides with her instead of his family even when she rips out his cat’s entrails. Ugh.

Weber goes down hill fast just like the guy he had to shoot that he’d thought was insane. Of course living with and fucking a sideshow freak is enough to drive anyone to the bottom of a bottle. Speaking of sideshows, well, he tries to get her picked up by one but that doesn’t work out. Yep, murder, one of her many murders.

I love this angle.

They flee to the woods to live (I suppose that he thinks this will protect others from her). Of course it doesn’t. He gets a part time job and starts eying his boss (who is blonde with a nice rack, but doesn’t eat people) so of course Jenifer doesn’t sit idly by. Yep, more murder. The film ends with things coming full circle.

So yeah, this movie (along with the classic Zombie Strippers) shows how men can be super swayed by some nice cans despite the chick being covered in blood.

You can watch Jenifer on Netflix Streaming or rent it on Amazon Instant Video.

Don’t forget to check out the other great Dario Argento posts from fellow LAMBs by going here.

You may also enjoy:
Top Zombie Movies on Netflix Streaming
Movie Review: ZPG Zero Population Growth
Don Cheadle as Buck in Boogie Nights-a post for LAMB Acting School

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posted by on Movie Reviews, Movies/TV, Scifi Month

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This post is a part of Scifi Month.

Who needs the radio when you can go outside and listen to this floating speaker in the smog with a gas mask on.

When I was a child the Sci-Fi Channel (now Syfy, barf) not only used to play those completely fun, in a different way, made for TV monster of the week movies, they also played lesser known, older films. ZPG stands out in my mind as one of the most intriguing. I remember seeing it and thinking that it was disturbing, campy and interesting. I finally managed to rewatch it recently and it’s still all of those things.

ZPG was filmed in 1971 and released in 1972 so it’s a very 70s (jumpsuits and all) version of the future. I recall the now defunct Disney’s Horizons when I visited there in the mid ’90s as totally reminding me of this movie (it was the early ’80s vision of the future).

ZPG’s main plot line concerns the title, zero population growth, which is how a country limits the population when it becomes too great to sustain. Though the film is billed as a British science fiction film it was shot in Denmark. There is a very aristocratic British feel to the film but most of the characters do not speak with a British accent.

The exact date of the future depicted in ZPG is unclear. The beginning mentions a 30 year ban on having children but they don’t say what year it is and then the film picks up about 8 years after that. You get the feel that the film is supposed to be set far ahead from the 1970s but because they were in the 70s that is what is constantly referenced.

Some parts of the film are most likely due to the fact that the UK had passed the Abortion Act of 1967 and approved contraceptive birth control a few years prior to that.

Babies are marked with this blacklight head tattoo when they are born so there isn’t a way to get away with just having a kid and saying that he or she is a certain age. So what happens if they find out that is exactly what you did? I’m glad you asked because they fucking gas your entire family in this thing.

The film focuses on Russ McNeil and his wife Carol McNeil who work in a museum that displays all of the things that no longer exist in the current smog filled, baby scarce present. They are part of the swinging ’70s dinner date display.

check out this little rebel, that flower is federal property

She is only allotted this wine because she is in an exhibit.

Well what if I still want to bone my husband, you may ask. Easy, just abort that fetus with the abortion machine that is conveniently located in your bathroom.

If you are feeling a little blue about this state of affairs you can call your psychiatrist on your home video phone. He gives out superb advice that includes watching porn (totally reminded me of THX 1138) and buying these creepy robot children to satisfy that mothering urge.


If one fake child doesn't do the trick you can start collecting them like her coworker, Edna.

Things aren’t all bad though. I mean at least you get an allotted amount of food calories (that come in tubes) and you can totally visit your parents in the senior museum.

They say he's depressed...I don't know why. I mean he has the best chair I've ever seen.

Plus they have a totally personalized Home Shopping Network.

"I thought you wanted a tree, not a tree salesman". He's dry but it's kinda working for him.

As you can imagine his wife is not satisfied and decides that she will keep her baby. So she hides in the basement for 9 months and they say that she left him. It makes it really hard for him to fight off her friend, since they had been swingers before. When he needs to learn how to deliver a baby he just goes to this modern library with video machines that you can learn things on. Of course learning about childbirth is illegal but he has a great cover and gets to act like this.

Well when their friends find out about that baby they decide that they should all just share it. I mean they were all sharing each other prior to that anyway. So why not?

I don’t want to give away the ending but let’s just say that Edna is not all there.

BUY

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posted by on Movie Reviews, Movies/TV

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**1/2 (out of 5)

Starcrossed is a bad ’80s made for TV movie. However if you are like me when you hear bad with ’80s and TV movie you probably get more excited than turned off. If it has all of those classic cheese factors it has to be so bad it’s good, right? Well, no not really.

Recently I added a few old James Spader movies to my Netflix Instant queue that I hadn’t seen. I watched White Palace last month, which was fantastic and I will be including in an upcoming Netflix Instant Streaming list. However I just got to Starcrossed. Wow. The film stars an incredibly young looking 25 year old James Spader as Joey Callaghan who becomes the protector of an alien named Mary (played by Belinda Bauer, no I had never heard of her either). I had no idea until I just took a good look at his filmography that he appeared in a 1/2 dozen TV movies before he became famous.

The movie starts out strong with this awesome, pink neon font for the opening credits. Plus Spader drives this bad ass pink car. He knows how bad ass it is too cuz he mentions it to this clueless alien.

Then they start talking. He thinks that she must be from Europe because she has an unusual accent. When she actually gets to say more than a word or 2 though she has too many accents. I hear at least upper crust British, Swedish and Data at different times. Speaking of Data, her performance is quite robotic most of the time but I think that was a conscious decision from what she says about aliens in the movie.

Unfortunately sometimes Spader also has some type of New York or Jersey accent. There is a particularly painful scene in which he even says fuggedaboutit. Plus I can’t buy him as a mechanic.

Seriously, these guys are more believable as alien mercenaries who are hunting her down. Side note: did the costumer designer on Dude, Where’s My Car? totally lift their look or what?

About a half hour into this movie I thought about flipping it off for the next 10 minutes. But I couldn’t, Spader was just too cute. Plus, aside from the accent thing he really acts his ass off in this movie, just like in his future roles. Of course you can’t just tell someone that you are an alien, you have to demonstrate, so she shows off her telekinesis, telepathy and uh, snow making abilities at different times in the film.

While watching you’re never really sure what they want the movie to be, it’s not campy enough, it’s definitely not hard sci-fi and sometimes Spader is so moony over this chick for no reason that it feels like a Harlequin novel if not for the fact that the alien lacks passion. Plus there’s a couple of scenes with Christianity stuffed into them.

Then this guy (who reminds me of James Van Der Beek) and Spader are sharing a beer (in a kick ass bottle) and his friend actually starts referencing Splash (which came out the year before). Then it hits you, they thought they were making the next fucking Splash, hysterical.

Why haven’t I populated this post with a bunch of pics of the alien? Ugh, they dressed her so ugly. I hate this leather coat with a passion. The pants are neat but most of her clothes are both hideous and ill fitting.

Wait, if she looks this bad there has to be an awesome makeover montage coming up, right? Pre-Van Der Beek even mentions that he brought some clothes and makeup for her from his girlfriend. However most of the makeup is gross, used nail polish like my mother used to give me to play with when I was 5 and then the silly bitch does this! WTF?

Considering that it’s for a made for TV movie from the ’80s the special effects aren’t bad. Believe me, I’ve made my way through at least half of Costas Mandylor‘s filmography so I’ve seen some piss poor TV effects.

Wait if the special effects are that good then the space ship must be amazing, right?

Uh, no that’s the planetarium. This is the spaceship. Say what?

turned off

 

turned on

 

Since you know that I’m a pervert you are probably wondering when I will get to the G-rated sex scene. Well here it is, seriously this chick lacks fire at all. The stills are sexier than the actual scene. However it’s been my experience that Spiderman kissing shit only works in movies and what type of cinematographer goes “perfect, that’s a sexy armpit”?

I should also mention that there isn’t any sex on her planet but she explains that she’s ready for it because she watched this instructional cartoon.

So if you really love Spader you might want to watch this once. It also strikes me as the type of thing you could watch with your daughter.

Now gratuitous Spader!

Telepathy and Telekinesis are the most useful STDs.

(photos are clickable to full size)

Watch Starcrossed
(on Netflix Instant Streaming)
on YouTube
(in parts)
The movie wasn’t released on DVD and the VHS was only released in the UK.

Another Spader fan capped a lot more than me, over on this forum if you want to see more cute pics of him from the movie.

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posted by on Movie Reviews, Movies/TV

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4 out of 5 stars
starring J. Lo, Alex O’Loughlin, Eric Christian Olsen, Anthony Anderson and Michaela Watkins.

The Back-Up Plan comes out on Bul-Ray and DVD today. If you have been a loyal reader then you probably know both my initial reaction and how much I love the leading man, Alex O’Loughlin. In case you live under a rock, this is the plot in a nutshell: Aging single woman gets artificially inseminated and then meets the man of her dreams. What will she do?

I thought, here comes an extra cheesy slice of the Jennifer Lopez filmography. I actually enjoy a good (or bad) romantic comedy more than the next person. I did think this sounded quite ridiculous though (like the recently released Jennifer Aniston joke that I’ve been hearing about for 2 years).

The crazy thing was, as quality rom-coms go, this was way up there with The Wedding Planner. It’s actually funny and realistic (as far as something with this premise could be). I was really only hoping for an excuse to ogle Alex O’Loughlin (which I received, in spades), but his character actually had a personality. You know that usually a movie like this has the secondary character be quite bland or perfect, but he was not. Even the potential plot holes were explained (how can she afford that outfit?). BTW-This movie is in love with New York. If you’ve ever been there you may want to go back after viewing it.

There were a few, puhlease, do not go there moments but for the most part I definitely recommend this film.

Verdict: If you like Jennifer Lopez’s romantic comedies Rent/Buy this.

Buy The Back-Up Plan on Blu-ray or DVD

Rent The Back-Up Plan on Netflix

Buy the quintessential J. Lo rom-com The Wedding Planner on DVD

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posted by on Movie Reviews, Movies/TV

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4 out of 5 stars
starring Meryl Streep, Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin

FYI: Be aware of the fact that I don’t write and only skim in depth movie reviews. Spoilers aren’t my thing. To me reviews are about whether or not I (or you) should see it.

When It’s Complicated was released I was super excited to see it. It looked like it was right up my alley. Plus it stars Alec Baldwin who I watch (& salivate over) regularly on 30 Rock. Then I started seeing movie reviewers putting the movie down and basically say “gross, old people in love”. That’s when I thought about my reaction. I’m not into watching senior romances anymore than any other 20 something woman. However this film stars two actors that I love. I was a big fan of Streep growing up because of the movie Death Becomes Her. My sister and I used to watch it all of the time. I rewatched it on Christmas Eve and it still rocked. Alec was trickier to figure out. While growing up my favorite Baldwin , as a child of the 90s, was Stephen not Alec. I remember liking the Juror but I didn’t really care much about Alec until he started to do an amazing job of guest hosting Saturday Night Live. Incidentally, Martin and Baldwin appeared together in a sketch on SNL not long ago.

I unsuccessfully tried to see the film quite a few times before I actually was able to but the wait was worth it. The film is about a woman who starts seeing her ex husband again after they’ve been divorced for years. The complicated decision is whether or not she actually wants to pursue this. Add a dash of a love triangle with Martin and some overly affectionate offspring and you get the general plot. The fun comes in getting to see Streep, Baldwin and Martin act silly and happy and rediscovering love.

Another great thing about this movie is it’s rated R. So many romantic comedies come out that are PG or PG-13 and sex is hinted at or giggled about like the characters are 11 or something. This movie is more realistic. These are normal adults who get laid, drink, etc. Plus Baldwin is a little self deprecating which is nice to see for a change. Martin also surprised me as a more meek, forlorn character than he usually plays. There are quite a few talented actors in the supporting cast. This includes John Krasinksi who I’m glad to see acting again after I tried to watch that movie he directed, ugh. I think one of the reasons I really dig this movie is because I can sympathize with all three of the main characters (from different times of course). BTW-If you’re looking for a laugh this is more sweet funny than knee slapping funny.

Verdict: If you like romantic comedies Rent/Buy this.

Buy It’s Complicated on Blu-ray or DVD.

Rent It’s Complicated on Netflix.

Buy Death Becomes Her and Saturday Night Live-The Best of Alec Baldwin on DVD.

Check out Alec Baldwin’s Saturday Night Live sketches on Hulu

If you want to read about the house the film was shot in go here.

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