Archive for the ‘Movie Quotes’ Category

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virgin cast

The 40 Year Old Virgin is a hilarious 2005 comedy starring Steve Carell in the title role. It was helmed by Judd Apatow so it’s no surprise that it was one of Seth Rogen’s first funny breakout supporting roles. Rogen plays Cal, a stoner and aspiring author. Enjoy some select movie quotes from Cal below.

Cal: Oh, man, I had a weekend…We went to Tijuana, Mexico, you know? And we thought it would be fun, you know, to go to a show. Everybody says you gotta check out one of these shows. And… it’s a woman fucking a horse. We get there and we think it’s gonna be awesome and… it is not as cool as it sounds like it’s gonna be. It’s kinda gross…You think ‘A woman fucking a horse’ and you get there and… it’s a woman fucking a horse.’…It was really giving it to her. And you know what? To be honest I just felt bad for her, we all just felt bad for her…and I kinda felt bad for the horse!

virgin gay

Cal: You’re gay now?
David: No, I’m not gay. I’m just celibate.
Cal: I mean, that sounds gay. I just want you to know this is, like, the first conversation of, like, three conversations that leads to you being gay…”

David: You know how I know you’re gay?
Cal: How?
David: You like Coldplay.

Cal: I mean, seriously, Asia? You framed an Asia poster? How hard did the people at the frame store laugh when you brought this in?

virgin work

Cal: Listen, when I was growing pot, I realized that the more seeds I planted, the more pot I could ultimately smoke.

Cal: Go plant that seed man. Plant it with your finger.

Cal: You wait for it to grow into a plant and then you fuck the plant.

Cal: What he’s saying is that you are gonna be so bad at sex the first time that you don’t wanna have sex with someone you like, cause they’ll think you’re a weirdo for being so lame at it. So you wanna have sex with hood rats so that by the time you get to a girl that you do like, you won’t be terrible at sex, you’ll be mediocre at it, probably still pretty bad, though.

Cal: T…look at me. I am ugly as fuck by traditional standards, but, I get with women. Aren’t you curious as to how that’s possible?
Andy: I am not ugly as fuck.
Cal: I didn’t say you were ugly as fuck.
Andy: Well, you implied it.
Cal: Okay, okay, it doesn’t matter if you’re ugly as fuck, or you’re ugly as shit. It’s about talking to women, and I know how to do that because I observe, because I am a novelist.

Cal: How much have you had to drink, man?
Andy: Oh, how much have I had to drink? Hey, how many pots have you smoken?

Cal: I watched this movie called Liar Liar and the message was don’t lie and that was a smart movie.

virgin dance

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Observe and Report is a dark comedy about a security guard at a mall who decides that he wants to become a police officer when he sees the opportunity to prove himself. This occurs when a flasher targets his mall. The film stars Seth Rogen, Ray Liotta and Anna Faris.

You can click the screencaps to see the larger versions.

Female Reporter: “I’m standing here at Forest Ridge Mall where earlier today a man exposed himself to several women before fleeing the scene. I’m here with Ronnie Barnhardt, one of the security guards here at the mall…”
Ronnie: “No, cut. Uh, you fucked up, ma’am, I’m the head of mall security you should do that again and say it right”
Female Reporter: “Uh, well Officer Barnhardt”
Ronnie: “Action”
Female Reporter: “Right, uh, is there any information you can shed on this situation?”
Ronnie: “You’re just gonna keep goin’ even though you fucked up my title?”
Female Reporter: (nods)
Ronnie: “Okay, well I’m standing here with this doctor”

Ronnie: “Everyone thinks they’re fine until someone puts something in them they don’t want in them”

Ronnie: “…it’s actually kinda my job to put myself in harm’s way to protect weaker people such as yourself who are you know cripped in the leg and what not…”

Ronnie: “…it’s clear that this pervert is some kind of sociopathic genius who plans on coming back here and finishing what he started, by murdering Brandi”
Brandi: “Oh my god, is that gonna happen? Is that true?”
Ronnie: “It’s gonna happen”
Detective Harrison: “No, it’s not gonna happen”
Ronnie: “He’s gonna murder you Brandi”

Ronnie: “Race has nothing to do with this, you fit the profile…”
Saddamn: “My dick is brown you dumb motherfucker”

Saddamn: “…last week he comes here and tells me he knows that he’s discovered my plot to blow up the Chick-fil-A. Why the fuck would I blow up Chick-fil-A? It’s fucking delicious”

Nell: “…but I think you should know that there’s no shame in going after what your dreams, so few people do it and I think you should keep doing it, no matter how many people laugh at you”
Ronnie: “Who’s laughing at me? No one laughs at me, if anything I laugh at other idiots who are tryin’ do what they want, no one laughs at me for trying to do my destiny, not how this works…”

Police Officer: “…he’s probably gonna get killed”
Detective Harrison: “Good, I hope he does get killed, fuck him, I don’t care, I’m telling you, I hate this guy”

Mom: “You know I remember when your father picked me up for our first date. I swear he was the most handsome man I’d ever laid eyes on, I knew right then and there that I would fuck him that night and that I would end up marrying him.”
Ronnie: “I sure hope that happens to me tonight.”

Ronnie: “Do you think it was my fault that dad left?”
Mom: “Definitely”

Ronnie: “Wow, that was impressive, you, I like to drink fast too so”

Ronnie: “So Brandi, I’m just dying to know, how much do you love working at this mall?”
Brandi: “Oh god, I hate that shit…”

Brandi: “Oh my god, where did you get these?” (looking at pill bottle) “Clonazepam, that’s some good shit, I’m impressed. I did not think you partied like that”
Ronnie: “God do I ever party, I party like this every 4 to 6 hours”

Brandi: (doing a shot of tequila) “Oh my god, it burns so good”

(in bed during sex she seems to be sleeping so he stops)
Brandi: “Why are you stopping motherfucker?”
Ronnie: “I’m sorry, oh god I’m sorry”

Mom: (to Dennis) “You know when Ronnie was, um, in high school I used to fuck all his friends”

Ronnie: “…unfortunately, no this picture of a penis does not cheer me up”

Dennis: “Ronnie, please can you take the dick off your face?”

Ronnie: “…finding out whose penis that is is my last shot at redemption”

Mom: “…try to look on the bright side, you may not be the smartest person in the world but you’re handsome from certain angles…”

Mom: “I just want you to know I’m ready to make a change”
Ronnie: “You’re gonna stop drinking?”
Mom: “I’m switching to beer, I can pound those all day and still keep my shit together and I’m doing it for you”
Ronnie: “I’m so proud of you mom”

Ronnie: “and if anyone here wants a girl to have sex with you and then fuck your enemy go to Brandi cuz she’s the girl that does that”

Ronnie: “I want everyone to know Ronnie Barnhardt caught the pervert, not the fuckin’ police”

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posted by on Christmas, Movie Quotes, Movies/TV

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(as per usual spoilers abound)



A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas is the third in the hilarious trilogy about two stoners who end up unintentionally going on wild drug filled adventures. This time it’s set during Christmas which means that those classic Christmas features can be incorporated, such as Santa, musicals, claymation and small, servile robots (oh wait, maybe those are just 80s related). Or as I gushed to the director Todd Strauss-Schulson who retweeted me on twitter.

(after jumping on Santa’s lap in a mall)
Kumar: “Santa!”
Mall Santa: “Kumar, No”
Mom in Line: “C’mon, is this a joke?”
Kumar: “Hold the fuck on Reba, your son can rub his ass on Santa’s cock in a minute”
Mall Santa: “What do you want for Christmas young man?”
Kumar: “That’s a really good question. I want a Snoopy Sno-Cone Machine
Mall Santa: “Done”
Kumar: “and a DeLorean”
Mall Santa: “Yes”
Kumar: “I want the Wu-Tang Clan to get back together”
Mall Santa: “I’ll tell the elves”
Kumar: “and by the way this is just for my stockings okay, for my real present…”

Adrian: “…to a party she’s throwing in Manhattan, best part of all you’re coming with me”
Kumar: “No can do man, I gotta stay here and smoke this week, otherwise I won’t get high…”

Todd: “All right, I’ll Skype you later, or text you, or both”

 

Maria: “Now c’mon on fuck a baby into me”

Vanessa: “I’m pregnant”
Kumar: “Pregnant? We, we practiced safe sex. I mean I pulled out and came on your back, maybe a couple of squeaks got by but is that all it takes?”
Vanessa: “Yes, that’s all it takes. No wonder you flunked outta med school”

Harold: “You look terrific, did you lose weight or?”
Kumar: “Oh, a gained quite a bit, actually…”

(inside of Harold’s house)
Kumar: “Hey, this place is like not shitty”
Harold: “Ah, thank you, the bay window’s brand new actually, we just put that in last week, the sconces are new, the sconces are actually brand new”
Kumar: “Yeah I was gonna say it looks like you guys got some awesome sconces” (cringes)
Harold: “Thank you, that’s very sweet of you”

Harold: “Maria’s dad grew that tree and now it is dead. Koreans killed his mother and now this tree. Christmas is ruined.”

Todd: “Freeze, this is a robbery, give me all your friendship…”

Adrian: “So you two own this tree lot?”
Lamar: “Yeah, what a couple of brothers can’t sell trees? Only swing from em like monkeys you honkey”
Adrian: “What? No, of course not, you can do both”

Adrian: “…pussy’s not like yogurt, it has an expiration date”
Kumar: “Yogurt has an expiration date”
Adrian: “Does it? Damnit, okay, that explains a lot…”

Todd: “You got my baby high!”

Ava: “I got the munchies”
Todd: “Great, now we’ve got to stop and get some disgusting food for her so she can come down from her trip, fantastic”

Adrian: “…also I told her you work for the White House”
Kumar: “Yeah, like anyone’s gonna believe that”

Todd: “…ah, Cocaine! Have you kids never seen VH1’s Behind the Music? Do you not know what cocaine can do to the mind of a person as young as you?”

Kumar: “Okay dude, do you feel kinda weird?”
Harold: “Yeah, I do actually. My face is feeling kinda numb.
Kumar: “Fuck, I bet these kids put something in here”
Harold: “Was it drugs? Was it semen?”
Kumar: (gargles drink) It doesn’t taste like semen.”

Mary: “Sorry, I don’t date black guys” (about Kumar)

Kumar: “Uh, excuse me, Miss, I’m not gonna let you rape my friend on Christmas Eve, all right, he’s married”

Adrian: “Your coke baby has super powers”

Harold: “Holy shit, dude, you’re claymated”

Rosenberg: “Okay don’t start with this, all right, just cuz your wife made you convert doesn’t mean you’re not a Jew. His name is Seth Goldstein for christ sake”
Goldstein: “First of all, don’t ever take the lord’s name in vain, secondly I was baptized bitch!”
Goldstein: “The second the priest poured that holy water over me all my Jewish neurosis and self hatred just washed right off.”
Kumar: “Sounds like you’re really enjoying your new religion”
Goldstein: “Dude, it’s the balls, these dirty Jew bastards have no idea what they’re missing, fishing, hunting, I can tie knots on a sail boat. I’ve made some terrible investments, doesn’t bother me a bit. And guess what? Next week I have an appointment to get uncircumcised. That’s right I’m gonna get my schnozzle”

Kumar: “…then I’ll head down to the nun’s shower room”
Harold: “I didn’t know the nuns all showered in the same room”
Kumar: “Of course they do, how do you think they stay so clean?”


Kumar: “…you and I will get the tree, we’ll take it back to your place and when Maria’s dad comes home and sees this beautiful tree sitting in your living room he’ll jizz all over it”

Kumar: “No, dude, I don’t understand. Look at you man, you’ve got a great job, you make good money, you don’t beat your wife, what more could a Latino father in law wish for?”

Neil Patrick Harris: “Oh, what did I tell you about using tongue?”
David Burtka: “You said you wanted it to look realistic”
Neil Patrick Harris: “Yeah realistic, not fucking gay as shit. You know the only reason I put up with this homo crap is for the P’Tang”

Neil Patrick Harris: “Fuck Savage, that rock is mine”

Gracie: “Oh my god, I thought you were gay”
Neil Patrick Harris: “I am gay, gay for that pussy”

Neil Patrick Harris: “Morty, Kumar, long time”



Kumar: “Time the fuck out Neal, how the fuck are you still alive?”
Harold: “Yeah, how the fuck are you still alive man?”
Neil Patrick Harris: “What you talkin’ bout?”
Harold: “We saw you get shot, remember?”
Neil Patrick Harris: “You have to be more specific”
Kumar: “in that whorehouse”
Harold: “in Texas”
Kumar: “you branded a prostitute”
Harold: “remember?”
Neil Patrick Harris: “oh yeah, now I remember…”

(on heaven)
Neil Patrick Harris: “…the chicks were hot, the music was sick, there were lasers, it was like being famous in the early 90s”

Jesus: “I’m sure you recognize me but I’m Jesus, so”
Neil Patrick Harris: “Jesus?”
Jesus: (points at crucifix necklace) “Jesus Christ, that’s me, I’m Jesus Christ”

(or the version that was cut but used for commercials/trailers)
Jesus: “Neil Patrick Harris. Welcome to heaven, I’m Jesus”
Neil Patrick Harris: Jesus?”
Jesus: “Christ, I practically run this place”
Neil Patrick Harris: “Oh, for reals?”
Jesus: “I mean my dad owns it but I’m kinda number 1”
Neil Patrick Harris: “Oh, you’re one of those”

Neil Patrick Harris: “Okay, ladies I’m Neil Patrick Harris, I played Private Carl Jenkins in Starship Troopers”

Neil Patrick Harris: “Jesus, what a cockblock”

Kumar: “You’re not gay motherfucker!”
Harold: “at all”

Neil Patrick Harris: “…hey Merry Christmas guys, we’ll see you in the next one”

Todd: “No, no, no more cocaine”
Ava: (rubbing face) “I need it, I need it”

Kumar: “No, nobody’s dying Claus, not on my watch”

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(source for the gifs: V-H-S.tumblr.com)

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Movie Quotes: 50/50

Nov
2011
30

posted by on Movie Quotes, Movies/TV

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French poster


(source: marshall-beercules.tumblr.com)

Kyle: “What’s that smell…?”
Adam: “Oh, uh yeah, I ran out of shampoo and I had to use Rachel’s”
Kyle: “You smell like you fucked the cast of The View”




(source: christophernolans.tumblr.com)

Kyle: “Has she been sucking on your dick, been giving you blow jobs?
Adam: “No, she doesn’t like to”
Kyle: “She doesn’t, no fucking shit she doesn’t like to. Who likes putting dicks in their mouth? You do it, cuz that’s why they call it blow jobs, it’s a job”

Kyle: “50/50, if you were a casino game you’d have the best odds”


(source: theinnercinema.com)

Diane: “I’m moving in”
Adam: “No, no, mom no”
Diane: “I’m your mother Adam”
Adam: “No, exactly, that’s why…”

Adam: “If you don’t mind, how old are you?”
Katherine: “Um, 24”
Adam: “You’re 24, wow! What are you like Doogie Howser or something?”
Katherine: “Who’s Doogie Howser?
Adam: “The teenage doctor”
Katherine: “Does he work here?”
Adam: “No, no, I just meant you seem a little young to be a doctor”

Rachael: “Having a dog helps with the healing process”
Adam: “What does he have a medical license?”

Adam: “Are you gonna like keep touching me like that or?”
Katherine: “Like this?”
Adam: “Yeah”
Katherine: “Um, I’m, I’m tryin’ to make you feel more at ease”
Adam: “That’s going to make me feel more at ease? It’s like being slapped by a sea otter”
Katherine: “Touching promotes trust, it’s one of the key ways that hospital practitioners make their patients feel more secure in stressful situations”
Adam: ‘Yeah but, it is, just that’s not gonna help”
Katherine: “Really, a sea otter? Is that, I mean, is this, is that better?” (touching his arm again)
Adam: ‘This is getting creepy”

Kyle: “You have a girlfriend? Oh yeah, I forgot. Why would you go to Mardi Gras when you’re busy here not getting blow jobs and hand jobs?”

Kyle: “You deserve better, way better, if I was your girlfriend you know what I’d be doin? I’d be sucking your cock every 3 minutes, I’d be baking you fucking cookies all day and shit”
Adam: “What kind of cookies?”
Kyle: “Any kind”
Adam: “You’d make me snickerdoodle cookies?”
Kyle: “I’d make you snickerdoodle cookies”

Adam: “You really think a girl’s going to go for me cuz I have cancer?”
Kyle: “For the millionth time yes…”

(on a double date)
Adam: “I’m gonna have to crash out, sorry, I’m just exhausted, the um, chemo, uh, just takes it outta ya. But you know I have some really potent medical weed at my house if you want to come over”

Katherine: “Admittedly I do check his Facebook like every day to see if he’s dating somebody new, which is so pathetic”

Katherine: “Hey, um Adam, listen, I just, I just want you to have my cell number just if you need anything, you’d have it”
Adam: “Thanks, uh, did I just like score your digits?” (laughs)
Katherine: “No, no” (serious)
Adam: “That, that, that was a joke”

Rachael: “Um, you’re smoking weed?”
Adam: “Well it’s medicinal”
Rachael: “You got a prescription for medicinal marijuana?”
Kyle: “No, I got a prescription for medicinal marijuana, Adam was too afraid”
Rachael: “Well what’s wrong with you Kyle?”
Kyle: “I have night blindness…”

Katherine: “That makes you kind of a dick”
Adam: “Me? (laughs) Is that like a medical term?”

Kyle: “That’s your Make A Wish, to drive? We could be having sex with hookers while skydiving right now…”

(in the hospital)
Katherine: “How are you feeling?”
Adam: “Great, a lot of morphine”

Adam: “I look pretty good”
Kyle: “I’d fuck you”
Adam: “Thanks”

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foreign poster


(as per usual spoilers abound)

Ally: “Oh, I’m sorry, it just, um, felt kind of serious last night when you were doing me from behind but I couldn’t see your face, so”

Daisy: “& to be honest I was always a little worried about the way he kept wanting to do it doggy style”
Ally: “Some people like that you know”
Daisy: “No, nobody likes it, even the dogs are just waiting for it to be over”

Ally: “10.5, holy shit! I’m sorry, it just says here the average number of lovers women have in their lifetime is 10.5”
woman on train: “Yeah, that seems very high”
Ally: “High? No, that’s low, 10.5 is low”
woman on train: “whatever you say”

Daisy: “What are you writing?”
Ally: “Nothing, just some notes for my toast”
Daisy: “Is it gonna rhyme?”
Ally: “It depends, what rhymes with orgy?”

Ally: “Careful, he can be a little rough on the nipples”

Roger: “Let me buy you these drinks, I feel really bad about that”
Ally: “Really? Thanks, I can’t afford them anyway”

Sheila: “What is the big deal?”
Katie: “That is 13 different penises in 1 vagina”
Sheila: “It’s not like they were all in there at the same time”


Katie: “Oh my god, you’re at 91!”
Ally: “No, I’m at 9”
Daisy: “You’re at 19”

Ally: “Fine, I admit it, I’m at 19, almost twice the national average, it’s bad. Look at this, there’s even a whole article in Marie Claire about it. I thought playing this game would make me feel better about my number but now I think the homeless lady on the train was right, it’s high.”


Ally: “..Okay, I’m going to make a proclamation, shut up I’m proclamating, okay, I’m not going to sleep with 1 more guy until I’m sure he’s the one, I may not have control over much but I do have control over my pelvic floor, the next guy who vacations at Casa Esperanza is going to be my husband, to taking control of my own destiny, to better decision making & full following through, to 20!”


Ally: “…do you think that maybe I could pay you to find some people for me?”
Colin: “Sweetheart, If I’m going to help you you’ve gotta give me more info than that”
Ally: “Just some, guys that I’ve dated”
Colin: “Oh you have herpes, that’s not a fun call to make”

Colin: “What happened to protecting your sisters?”
Ally: “If those girls can’t see you coming they deserve what they get”

Ally: “…he probably still works at Starbucks but he’s the best sex I ever had”
Colin: “You haven’t had sex with me”
Ally: “No, but I have had sex with other overly confident, struggling musicians so I’m good.”
Colin: “What makes you think I’m a musician?”
Ally: “Guitar in your apartment, you dress like a horny teenage, I paid for that sandwich, struggling musician.”

Sheila: “That is a lotta poof”
Daisy: “Poof is what I like about it”
Sheila: “But don’t you want to have wedding night sex with your dress still on?”
Daisy: “I don’t know, do I?”
Katie: “Yeah, naughty bride, you do”
Sheila: “I’m just concerned that with all those layers he’s not going to be able to find your vagina”
Ally: “Good point”
Sheila: “I mean forget about 69”
Eileen: “Oh, she’s not gonna 69”
Sheila: “Why not?”
Eileen: “Because she’s a grown up, 69s are for when you’re 17 and you’re trying to cram everything in at once before your parents get home.”
Katie: “Thank you, Matt is always trying to do that and I say let’s just take turns, what’s the rush?”

Colin: “Why, because he’s a bartender?”
Ally: “No, because he’s still a bartender. He’s exactly where he was 9 years ago, an out of work magician who sleeps til noon, bartends til 3 and goes around pulling money out of people. He keeps your quarter by the way.”

Colin: “I don’t know why people care so much about the number anyway.”
Ally: “You guys all have this ideal girl in your mind and if our number gets too high we can’t be that girl.”
Colin: “The ideal girl, tell me about her.”
Ally: “You know you can take her home to the family, she’s smart but not smarter than you and she bakes apple pies with your mom and plays catch with your handicapped sister but then when you’re alone she takes off her glasses and puts on a vinyl catsuit and fucks you sideways.”
Colin: “That girl doesn’t exist, if she did I’d be sleeping with her, and what kind of guy cares about many people you’ve slept with anyway?”
Ally: “Decent guys”

Ally: “I don’t want to be on Facebook. What picture did you use?”
Colin: “The one I just took of you sleeping…”
Ally: “Fine, but I refuse to tweet.”

Ally: “He’s adorable…and so are his wife and kids”
Colin: “Well he clearly doesn’t understand what Facebook is for.”

Ally: “…where’s my coffee pot?”
Colin: “I broke it. If you were on twitter you’d know that already.”

Ally: “…I could find out who his lawyer is and get a job there as his assistant”
Colin: “Or we could keep it simple and you just go look at his open house.”

Colin: “Jerry Perry? You lost your virginity to the puppeteer?” (laughs)
Ally: “I know, I felt sorry for him?”
Colin: “Oh Ally, I underestimated you. That’s amazing. That’s my new favorite thing about you.”

Ally: “He recognized my vagina! What’s going on down there? I’ve gotta say I’m a little freaked out”
Colin: “I’d be happy to take a look for ya”

Ally: “Oh Jesus, tell me you’re not naked on my couch next to my sister”
Daisy: “Thankfully he doesn’t like to play without his underwear. The guitar gets cold against his penis.”

Colin: “…what’d you do to turn him off?”
Ally: “Nothing, he’s a gentlemen.”
Colin: “You wore that pantsuit, didn’t you?”
Ally: “Hey, that pantsuit is sexy. It’s very Katherine Hepburn.”
Colin: “All right, let’s clear something up right now. Katherine Hepburn was not sexy, Audrey Hepburn was sexy, Katherine Hepburn was a dude.”

Ally: “What are you doing here? I not depressed enough to sleep with you.”

Mr. Darling: “You should follow me on twitter, @HarryTarry3”
Ally: “Or we could just talk right now”
Mr. Darling: “LOL”

Ava Darling: “This is your life Ally, don’t get creative…”

Mr Darling: “Hold on, I have to tweet about this (takes picture of them), and hi there.” (while dancing with Ally at Daisy’s wedding)

Jake: “So, you’ve been with 2 guys in your life, big deal”
Ally: “More like 2 times 10”
Jake: (laughing) “Yeah right, like you’ve been with 20 guys, yuck”
Ally: (fake laughs) “Gross”
Jake: “I may not have been your first but I will be your last”
Ally: “Why, are you going to rape and kill me?”
Jake: “No, but I am going to kiss you”

Ally: “I don’t want to marry Jake Adams, that’s not who I am. I’m a jobless whore who slept with 20 guys and I want to be with somebody who appreciates that about me…”

Ally: (climbing over something) “This is bullshit, why didn’t I just wait for him at his apartment?”


Ally: “I have a speech that I want to make to you but I was afraid that I was gonna forget it so I figured it’d be easier to drive, bike and run across town in my high heels so I could tell you right now”

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