Archive for the ‘Movie Quotes’ Category

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(from GQ)

Dale: “Well she’s not just my girlfriend anymore, we’re engaged now”
Julia: “What?”
Dale: “We’re engaged”
Julia: “You said that she was just a hole for your dick”
Dale: “I never said that. Not really my style”

(from Kevin Spacing tumblr)

Nick: “You know that last month you made me work so late that I missed saying goodbye to my Gam Gam?”
Harkin: “I’m sorry, what?”
Nick: “My grandmother. I told you that I needed to see her because she was very, very sick. You said that if I left early I’d get fired and she died before I made it to the hospital.”
Harkin: “I’m sorry”
Nick: “Thank you”
Harkin: (laughing) “I had no idea that you called your grandmother Gam Gam.” (laughing more rambunctiously) “Sorry, I’m sorry, sorry that you didn’t get to say bye bye to Gam Gam, I really am, I’m sorry, but I needed you to stay here and work late because you are an invaluable member of this operation and I need you in the position that you’re currently in.”

Bobby: “What else? Oh yeah, we’ve gotta trim some of the fat around here”
Kurt: “Trim the, what do ya mean by trim the fat?”
Bobby: “I want you to fire the fat people.”
Kurt: “What?”
Bobby: “They’re lazy and they’re slow and they make me sad to look at. You can start with Large Marge. Marge, can you come in here please?”
Kurt: “No, Margee’s not fat, she’s pregnant. I’m not gonna fire her.”
Bobby: “Fine. Uh stay where you are Marge. Congratulations”
Bobby: “You can fire, uh Professor Xavier”
Kurt: “Who are you talking about? You mean Hank”
Bobby: “Yeah, he fuckin’ creeps me out, rollin’ around all day in his special little secret chair, I know he’s up to something”

(from James Brown tumblr)

Dale: “Well now you’re kinda crossin’ the line cuz you’re naked”
Julia: “Uh, not naked Dale, can you see my pussy?”
Dale: “True, um, but I think, uh, even really saying the word, uh, pussy is that’s”
Julia: “That’s crossing the line?
Dale: “little bit
Julia: “Starting to sound like a little faggot there Dale”
Dale: “There we go, that one’s, uh, another one, probably an illegal thing to say too”

Kurt: “Technically I think it’s immoral for me not to kill him”

Julia: (climbs on Day’s fiance who is knocked out in the dentist’s office) “Let’s use her like a bed”

Dale: “Rape, rape, rape, that’s a rape! This is what raping is! You’re a raper! You’ve raped me! That’s a rape! Rape!”

Dale: “Your ad said you do wet work”
Wetwork Man: “That’s correct, I urinate on other men for money”

Motherfucker Jones: “I’m gonna be your murder consultant.”
Dale: “I’m sorry but uh, no man, right, that’s not cool”
Motherfucker Jones: “You wanna shut this fuckin’ hamster up”
Dale: “Don’t call me a hamster now, c’mon, it’s just upsetting”
Kurt: “Easy, easy, easy, no, it’s it’s somewhat accurate…”

Kurt: (stepping into Farrell’s house) Aw look at this, look at this place, it’s awful. It’s like a douche bag museum. It’s like we stepped inside the mind of an asshole.”

Nick: (cleaning cocaine) “…I feel like I should be panicking and I am a little bit but it’s like in a very, very good way, like a good kind of panic, like I feel like I want to die right now but I also feel very, very, very good”

Dale: “I’m coked out of my fuckin’ mind I’ll punch whoever the fuck I want to”

Kurt: (looking at a wedding photo) “Hey, shit is that Harkin’s wife?
Nick: “Yeah, that’s her”
Kurt: “Oh man, she is hot”
Nick: “She sure is, here we go.”
Kurt: “I tell ya what, I’d like to bend her over a barrel and show her the 50 states, ya know what I’m sayin’?”
Nick: “I don’t know what that means.”
Kurt: “It’s a saying”
Nick: “I don’t think so.”
Kurt: “No, it is, it is, people say that.”
Nick: “I haven’t heard it”
Kurt: “I’ve definitely heard people say that”
Nick: “I’m not gonna argue with you. Let’s continue the recon”
Kurt: “Well it’s definitely a phrase.”
Nick: “It sure isn’t.”
Kurt: “Yeah it is. It’s from a book, Great Gatsby maybe”

Harkin: “You want to tell me what you’re doing littering on my street?”
Dale: “I think what happened was that the wind blew it out of my hand”
Harkin: “I don’t care if the wind blew it out of your twat…”

Kurt: “I can’t go to jail, look at me, I’d get raped like crazy”
Nick: “Me too”
Kurt: “Yeah, totally”
Nick: “I’d get raped just as much as you would”
Kurt: “Oh no, I know you would, of course you would”
Nick: “You think you’re more rapeable than I am?”
Kurt: “Hey Nick, I’m not saying anything like that”
Nick: “You’re coming very close to saying it”

Kurt: “Then next thing you know she makes herself a little snack, a Popsicle, then a banana and finally a hot dog, c’mon”
Dale: “No, I don’t believe your story”
Kurt: “3 penis shaped foods, that can’t be a coincidence, right? And eating them in that weird order? That’s not a proper meal”
Nick: “It’s cold to hot.”

(at the police precinct)
Nick: “I was drag racing. I’m a drag racer.”
Detective Samson: “You were drag racing, in a Prius?”
Nick: “I don’t win a lot”

Nick: “Where were you during the murder?”
Kurt: “I was making love to a woman, murdering some ass…”

Kurt: “They found my DNA”
Dale: “The found your poop brush!”


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“When Will My Life Begin”

“I’ve Got A Dream”

Mother Gothel: “Oh, Rapunzel, how you manage to do that every single day without fail, it looks absolutely exhausting darling.” (on lowering her hair for her to climb up)
Rapunzel: “Oh, it’s nothing.”
Mother Gothel: “Then I don’t know why it takes so long.” (laughs) “Oh darling, I’m just teasing.”

Flynn: (looking at his Wanted poster) “No no no no no, this is bad, this is very, very bad, this is really bad. They just can’t get my nose right.”

Rapunzel: “Something brought you here, Flynn Rider. Call it what you will, fate, destiny”
Flynn: “a horse”
Rapunzel: “so I have made the decision to trust you”
Flynn: “a horrible decision really”

Rapunzel: “So, Flynn, where are you from?”
Flynn: “Whoa, whoa, sorry blondie, I don’t do back story. However I am becoming very interested in yours. Now, I, I know I’m not supposed to mention the hair”
Rapunzel: “Nope”
Flynn: “or the mother”
Rapunzel: “uh, uh”
Flynn: “frankly I’m too scared to ask about the frog”
Rapunzel: “chameleon”

Rapunzel: “Who’s that?”
Flynn: “They don’t like me”
Rapunzel: “Who’s that?”
Flynn: “They don’t like me either”
Rapunzel: “Who’s that?”
Flynn: “Let’s assume for the moment that no one in here likes me.”

Flynn: “Oh mama, I have got to get me one of these.” (about a frying pan)

Flynn: “…this is the strangest thing I’ve ever done” (fighting Maximus the horse)

Flynn: “So you’re being strangely cryptic as you wrap your magic hair around my injured hand.”

Flynn: “Well a fake reputation is all a man has.”

Rapunzel: “I think he likes me.”
Mother Gothel: “Likes you? That’s just demented.”

Flynn: “Frying pans, who knew, right?”

Flynn: “Thanks to Maximus crime in the kingdom disappeared almost overnight, as did most of the apples.”

So Fucking Tangled tumblr
Hell Yeah Tangled tumblr
Fuck Yeah Tangled tumblr



posted by on 90s Month, Movie Quotes, Movies/TV, Music

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This post is a part of 90s Month.

Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey is the sequel to Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure. Bill & Ted are slacker, wannabe musicians. In the first film they traveled through time. In this follow up they travel to the afterlife, awesome! This is the sequel that I always bring up when someone says “All sequels suck and none are better than the original”. While I’m also a big fan of the first film this sequel is at least 10 times more amazing. (Also, Keanu has way better hair.)

Rufus: “A special treat from the 23rd century, Miss Ria Paschelle. Miss Paschelle, as you all know, is the inventor of the statiophonic, oxyogenetic, amplifier graphaphoner delaverberator, hard to imagine the world before we had them.”

Rufus: “…and very important, do not do your homework without wearing headphones.”

Evil Ted: “He’s totally a robot.”
Evil Bill: “So are you dude.”
Evil Ted: “We’re total metal heads!”

Evil Ted: “Catch you later evil dude.”

Ms. Wardroe: “Guys, you keep telling me you’re going to be the biggest band in the world but you stink.”
Bill: “Yeah, we don’t understand it either.”

Ted: “If we win I can totally pay you back the money I owe you.”
Captain Logan: “And what if you don’t win?”
Ted: “Well, um, I guess, um, maybe sell some more blood”

Ted: “I can’t believe Missy divorced your dad and married mine.”
Bill: “Shut up Ted”

Ted: “What’s next?”
Elizabeth: “Maybe she’ll marry you.”
Bill: “Yeah, then you’ll be your own step dad.”

Evil Ted: “Aim for the cat dude, aim for the cat!”

Bill: “Dude?”
Ted: “What?”
Bill: “I wonder if after we’re married the princesses will stay over with us.”
Ted: “Yeah, our girlfriends are most chaste.”
Bill: “At least they’re not dating our dads.”
Ted: “Good point dude.”

Evil Bill: “I totally fooled those other us’.”
Evil Ted: “Yeah, they’re completely brilliant.”
Evil Bill & Evil Ted: “Not!”

Evil Ted: (looking at a picture of the princesses) “I’ve got a full on robot chubby.”

Ted: “That other you’s a real jerk.”
Bill: “Yeah, I’ve got to work on being more considerate to myself when I become him.”

Evil Bill: “Yes, I totally lougied on that good, dead me.”

Ted: “I can’t believe we just melvined Death.”

Bill: “You totally did it dude.”
Captain Logan: “I totally possessed my dad!”

Bill: “Has this seance stuff every worked?”
Ted: “No, but it will today, dude.”

Missy: “Spirits, can you hear us?”
Ted: (hovering over Missy during the seance) “Yeah, and we can totally see down your”
Bill: “That’s your mom dude”

Bill: (while falling to hell) “Dude this is a totally deep hole.”

(in hell)
Ted: “Oh man, this is not what I expected this place to look like at all.”
Bill: “Yeah, we got totally lied to by our album covers man.”

Bill: “Ted, if I die you can have my Megadeath collection.”
Ted: “We’re already dead.”
Bill: “Then they’re yours dude.”
Ted: “Thanks dude.”

Bill: “There’s no way I can possibly do infinite push ups.”
Ted: “Maybe if he let’s us do ’em girly style”

Ted: (reading) “Only the most serene and enlightened souls shall gain audience. Dude we’re in big trouble.”

Ted: “Dude, we’re in heaven and we just mugged 3 people.”
Bill: “I know, we better get out of here before we ruin it for everybody.”

Heaven’s Receptionist: “What is the meaning of life?”
Ted: “Every rose has it’s thorn just like every night as it’s dawn”
Bill: “Just like every cowboy sings a sad, sad song.”
Death: “Every rose has a thorn.”

Bill & Ted: “Catch you later God!”

De Nomolos: “I hate them. I hate the robot versions of them.”
Evil Bill: “You invented us dude.”

Death: “Did you assume that the most brilliant scientist in the entire universe would be from Earth?”

Evil Bill: “How’s it going lady humans?”

Bill: (to Station) “…plus you’ve got an excellently huge Martian butt.”
Death: “Don’t overlook my butt. I workout all the time and reaping burns a lot of calories.”

Bill: “You totally killed us you evil, metal dickweeds.”
Evil Ted: “Yeah, and we’re fully gonna do it again.”

Ted: “Dude, we still don’t know how to play.”
Bill: “Maybe we oughta get good dude, Ted.”
Ted: “How?”
(leave and return in phone booth)
Bill: “That was a fast 16 months of intensive guitar training dude.”
Ted: “Yeah, except for that 2 week medieval honeymoon.”

Bill: “And our back up dancers, Station’s most bodacious creations, the good robot us’!”

Death: “You might be a king or a little street sweeper but sooner or later you dance with the Reaper.”

God Gave Rock ‘N Roll to You 2

You can watch the whole movie right now on Hulu for free.
Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey: The Greatest Comedy Sequel of All Time at
My Web Oodles 5/20/10 features a photo of director Jason Reitman dressed as Ted.


posted by on Movie Quotes, Movies/TV


Elizabeth: “Get yourself hard cuz I’m gonna suck your dick like I’m mad at it…oh look your mom’s here…”

Elizabeth: “I don’t love you? I’ve been listening to you whine about opera for the last year”
Fiance: “Okay if the young generation doesn’t get into opera then guess what, no more opera, an art form has died. If opera goes away we’re fucked!”

Elizabeth: “I found him in bed with somebody else. It was another man.”
Amy: “Shut the front door”

Elizabeth: “I thought the teachers were supposed to get the apples.”
Amy: “Well I think the students teach me at least as much as I teach them. That’s just something I say sometimes”
Elizabeth: “Stupid”

Elizabeth: “You know I spent my entire summer hanging out at the bars near where the Bulls practice. I had some fun, got some cool souvenirs but those guys are not looking to settle down. I mean they all wear condoms, then they take the condoms with them, that’s how paranoid they are. Like it’s so easy to get pregnant from some dude nutting into a condom”

Elizabeth: “You have no idea how hard it is to compete against those Barbie doll types.”
Lynn: “Yeah, that’s true we’re not getting any younger…”

Russell: “So I heard about the whole engagement thing, that blows”
Elizabeth: “Did you know I walked in on him trying to fuck his dog, peanut butter everywhere”

Amy: “Did I hear you were showing a movie this morning on the first day of school?”
Elizabeth: “How do I know what you heard?”

Amy: “…actually I was really hoping we could be more than just across the hall mates”
Elizabeth: “I don’t now what you heard but I don’t eat muff pie”
Amy: “No, of course not, I don’t even know what that is, I just meant friends”

Elizabeth: (on the phone) “fucking troll!”
Kirk: “Did you call my name?”
Elizabeth: “No, I said fucking troll.”
Kirk: “Oh, I thought you said Kirk.”

Kirk: “Want to get wasted?” (sits bottle of alcohol down)
Elizabeth: “Uh, yeah”
Kirk: “Cool, see ya” (leaves)

Elizabeth: “…you know I’ve always said that dolphins are the humans of the sea”
Wally: “I have a bumper sticker that says that”

Elizabeth: “We should go get a drink tonight, I feel like getting drunk. I mean not drunk drunk, strong buzz, still able to drive”
Scott: “I’m sorry, I can’t yet, I’m just not ready but if you’re patient I think I might be worth your while”
Elizabeth: “You’re worth the wait”
Scott: “I think so too.”

Wally: “Lauren Richman’s dad called and he said we should have a car wash every weekend so instead of accusing her you might want to ask her for some pointers.”
Amy: “Well if these pointers include wearing provocative beachwear for money I think I’ll pass.”

Elizabeth: “She’s such a phony.”
Lynn: “Yeah, major phony (laughs) but you know she also cares a lot too.”

Lynn: (about Scott) “I love how his eyes sparkle when he smiles.”
Elizabeth: “I want to sit on his face.”

Amy: “…and it’s exactly what I told Elizabeth when she told me about this upcoming fake breast job”
Scott: “Oh”
Amy: “Sorry, sorry, I thought you were telling everyone”
Elizabeth: “Did you?”
Scott: “Well I’m pro-choice, I believe everyone should choose whatever makes them happiest except abortion of course.”

Elizabeth: “…and my fiance, he cheated on me with his sister…”

Sasha: “Is that marijuana?”
Elizabeth: “No, it’s medicinal marijuana. I have a prescription and everything and I’m not going to tell you what it’s for because it’s between me and my doctor”

Elizabeth: “Listen word to the wise, stop dressing like you’re running for congress”
Sasha: “I don’t want to run for congress, I want to be president.”
Elizabeth: “See that’s what I’m talking about, keep saying shit like that and you’re going to get punched.”

Russell: “Want to go get high?”
Elizabeth: “Yeah, give me a nug, I’ll go smoke it in my car”
Russell: “Wow, no, I meant do you want to go get high with me?”

Elizabeth: “Yeah, I don’t know her that well, I know all of the other teachers really hate her fucking guts but I stay above that stuff…”

Elizabeth: “Let’s get baked, (sees student) goods, we’re gonna get some baked goods”

Russell: “You understand this is like, what I do, ‘for a living’.”
Elizabeth: “You have no upper body strength”
Russell: “Yes I do just not in my arms or my chest, but I have cat like reflexes…”

Russell: “See those championship banners? When I first came to this school they weren’t there, they were over there, I had them moved over there.”

Russell: “Can I say something for the record?”
Elizabeth: “Fine”
Russell: “It’s about your, the, the big fake titties, are you really going to do that?”
Elizabeth: “Uh huh”
Russell: “Why would you do that? Your tits are fine, I like your tits, ask my roommate.”

Mr. Tiara: “The shelter? That’s something”
Elizabeth: “Yeah, I really like helping bums”

Elizabeth: “I’ll tell you what I know, a kid who wears the same gymnastics sweatshirt 3 days a week isn’t getting laid until he’s 29”
Garrett: “This sweatshirt was my dad’s, it’s all he left me, when he left me”
Elizabeth: “There’s a reason he didn’t pack it, just saying”

Kirk: “Aren’t you going out with the other nurses?”
Elizabeth: “I’m not a nurse.”
Kirk: “I thought you were a nurse”
Elizabeth: “I’m a teacher”

Lynn: “..a bunch of us are going out tonight to see Period 5 play, you want to come?”
Elizabeth: “Period 5?”
Lynn: “Yeah, the teacher band”
Elizabeth: (laughs) “Yeah, I’d rather get shot in the face”

Elizabeth: “C’mon Lynn, you need to loosen up a little, when was the last time you had a good dicking?”
Russell: “A good dicking?”

Elizabeth: (on guys) “…then you just choose, textbook”
Russell: “Yeah, from the world’s weirdest textbook”

Elizabeth: “…get your ass over to those cowboys”
Lynn: “Well I’m glad I wore my fun underwear”

Elizabeth: “Fuck! Is it me, I mean is there something wrong with me?”
Lynn: “I don’t think so, I mean sometimes you talk to people and”
Elizabeth: (cutting her off) “Thank you”

Amy: “Wally can’t you see she is manipulating you through the use of dolphins?”

Elizabeth: (on her students’ papers) “Pathetic, this is why the Japs are overtaking us (looking at Asian student) and I don’t mean you”

Elizabeth: “…I’ve been speaking to various, uh, black citizens who allege that you’re tests are biased towards white people and Orientals”
Carl: “Okay let me tell you something right away, A. Orientals just test better…”

Elizabeth: “You want to know what turns me on, sex in an office, getting fucked really hard against a wooden desk”
Carl: “Mine’s metal”
Elizabeth: “Even better”

Carl: “I am going to rock your vagina”

Elizabeth: (while seeing the answer key) “Hello titties”

Russell: (mock outrage) “C’mon guys there’s a wig missing!”

Scott: “It’s a pretty inspiring message to the kids, we should never stop working on ourselves, like you with your little boobs or me experimenting with ethnic foods.”

Scott: “…God, I just hate slavery so much”
Elizabeth: “Slavery’s the worst”
Scott: “If I could go back in time and undo slavery I would, I hate it.”

Scott: (while dry humping) “Your jeans feel so good against my jeans”
Elizabeth: “Totally”

Scott: “Oh, I’m dry humping the shit out of you”
Elizabeth: “Oh yeah, dry fuck the fuck out of me Scott”
Scott: “Just stop talking”

Elizabeth: “Maybe next time we can dry hump without our clothes on.”
Scott: “I’m pretty sure I’d like that.”

Garrett: “…the rapper? He’s an idiot”
Elizabeth: “Yeah, he’s a fuckin’ MOron”

Elizabeth: “7th grade is not your moment”
Garrett: “maybe 8th grade”
Elizabeth: “probably not, I’m thinkin’ college, that’s your moment, be ready”

Scott: “Everything okay with Garrett?”
Elizabeth: “No it’s not, I found him hooking up with an 8th grader from another school, she was jerking him off (mimes it), yeah, I’m gonna give him detention when we get back.”

Elizabeth: “Lots of people don’t wear bras”
Russell: “Definitely, lots of teachers.”

Russell: “I”m going through such a tough time, can I have your panties?”
Elizabeth: “I’m not wearing any”

Amy: “I can’t believe you’d let her take advantage of you like that. You are too trusting.”
Scott: “I am, I didn’t know what was happening.”

Amy: “Save it doll face. You can explain it all tomorrow to the principal and the superintendent when you’ve got your meeting with the principal and superintendent tomorrow at the meeting, tomorrow.”

Superintendent: “You seemed very certain a couple of days ago”
Carl: (clears throat) “I did, because, um, I am a casual drug user. That’s my thing and everybody knows it. So that explains me making absolutely no sense.”

Russell: “I’m going to write my number down just in case you need a lift after the surgery or an extra set of hands to make sure the implants are settling properly.”

Elizabeth: “So basically if I was going to go out with you I’d be making the conscious choice to be dating a gym teacher who lives in a shack with 4 dogs”
Russell: “I prefer to think of it as 2 people with amazing bodies sharing those bodies with each other, giving each other the gift of these bodies…”

Lynn: “Oh you didn’t get your, your, tits”
Elizabeth: “Yeah I thought about it and I didn’t even need ’em. Plus they’re really expensive, you know, per tit”
Lynn: “Yeah, and you’ve gotta get 2 of ’em”

Cameron Diaz’s June 2011 Interview with Maxim (includes her sexy car wash/teacher photo set)
Bad Teacher Vs. Bad Santa (movie reviews)
Bad Teacher Great Dresser (the looks that Cameron Diaz wore to promote the film)



posted by on Movie Quotes, Movies/TV

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FYI: This is spoiler heavy. For more on The Hangover Part 2 please read my previous post.

(awesome soundtrack)

Phil: “It happened again”
Tracy: “”Don’t say that”
Phil: “No, this time we really fucked up”
Tracy: “Seriously, what is wrong with you three?”
Phil: “So much Trace, I don’t even know where to begin”

Phil: “Hey how do you work the nitrous?”
Stu: “Uh, you don’t”
Phil: “C’mon, just one hit”

Stu: “It’s my bachelor brunch, go crazy, get some chocolate chip pancakes, a lap dance from the waitress”

Stu: “Do you see that? That’s orange juice with a napkin on top, so nobody roofies me”

Phil: “…you take Vegas out of that equation you would have married a cunt. Oh, it’s okay, I’m allowed to say it, it’s a bachelor party, drink up everybody, oh wait, there’s no alcohol, I forgot, we’re at a fuckin’ IHOP”

Sid: “I’m not sure he ever left Vegas, ya know. He really needs this”

Phil: “Pretty cool room Alan”
Alan: “Oh thanks Phil, my dad pays my rent”

Stu: “well only if you’re not busy”
Phil: “Stu”
Stu: “well maybe the Jonas Brothers are in town”
Alan: ‘No, they’re in Raleigh-Durham that weekend…”

Alan: “Phil are you going?”
Phil: “Of course”
Alan: “Then it will be fun”

Stu: “That’s supposed to done by a registered nurse.”
Alan: “I’m a nurse, I’m just not registered.”

Alan: “So what are you, a doctor?”
Teddy: “No, not yet, I’m pre-med”
Alan: “Ever heard of that guy Doogie Howser?”
Teddy: “yeah”
Alan: “Well he turned out to be a gay”
Doug: “Alan”
Alan: “It’s true, I read it in Teen People

Alan: “It’s just the first I’ve heard of it, you could have paged me”

Stu: “Between Teddy and me you must be excited to have two doctors in the family”
Fohn: “You have to realize in my country we don’t consider dentists to be real doctors.”

Alan: “that was my dad, I’m a stay at home son”

Alan: “I’ve been uh meaning to ask someone, I notice it’s an uh fishing village, is there a Long John Silver’s on the island?”
Lauren: “You know, no I don’t think so, I’m so sorry”
Stu: “but, we are actually serving some great seafood”
Alan: “Better than Long John’s?”
Stu: “Yes”
Alan: “I’ll be the judge of that…”

Alan: “…None of you know Stu like I do, not you, not you, not you, not you, not nobody knows Stu like I do, no one. I can’t even tell you what we’ve been through cuz we mad a pact more important than blood. What I can tell you is this is not Stu’s first marriage, there was a whore in Las Vegas a couple of years ago”

Phil: “Oh rice pudding, what are you doing?”
Stu: “ha, ha, ha”

Teddy: “I’m not really old enough to drink”
Alan: “Yeah, it’s illegal. It’d be a shame if somebody reported you”

Phil: “…not big breasts on her but still sold rack for an Asian”
Stu: “That is just wildly inappropriate and still I’m really glad you’re here…”

Alan: “Phil, I think it’s happened again.”
Phil: “Alan, what the fuck did you do?”

Phil: (laughing) “That’s good, why don’t you try to wash it off?”
Stu: “It’s not coming off, this is a real tattoo!”

Doug: “God, what city?”
Phil: “I don’t know Doug, fuckin’ Asiantown”

Stu: “It’s a 100 degrees and we don’t have a plan and all we’ve done is buy him hats and sodas”
Alan: “What? It’s a bag of Fanta”

Stu: “16 years old, spends the night in prison, can you imagine?”
Alan: (laughs) “we love to party”

Stu: “Fuck that police! Fuck tha police!”

Tattoo Joe: “Then you decided to get a tattoo, cried like a little bitch, this kid’s fuckin’ 9 years old, got balls twice your size…”

Alan: “Oh, the monkey is a pervert!”

Alan: “When a monkey nibbles on a penis it’s funny in any language.”

Stu: “Wow, it’s so beautiful” (at the monastery)
Alan: “What is this, a P.F. Chang’s?”

Stu: “Oh my god, we kidnapped a monk.”
Alan: ‘Uh, we live an alternative lifestyle.”

Phil: “Oh, all right so much for holy people, bunch of bald assholes…”

Kimmy: “Of course I remember him, he was buying shots for everyone, nice kids, his parents must be so proud.”

Kimmy: “Don’t be sad Stu, you love it, you say how special it was, you were crying”
Phil: “Wait, he was crying?”
Alan: “What a baby, he was crying”

Stu: “Load? What load?”
Kimmy: “You know, my sperms”
Stu: “Your English is off. You’re talking about my sperm. Where would your sperm come from?”
Kimmy: “from my balls”

Kimmy: “Hey you in Bangkok sweetie, there’s a reason they don’t call it Bangcunt”

Alan: “I don’t get it. Is this a magic show?”

Stu: “You shot you’re load in me? Am I a bottom?”

Alan: “I”m sorry but I am so confused.”
Stu: “I made love to a man with boobies.”

Phil: “And then we forget, that’s what we do, I do so much fucked up shit and then I just forget about it”

Alan: “God, I never get to keep no monkeys”

Alan: “Hey Phil he’s got a banana on his helmet, these guys are the real deal”

Phil: “Actually the bullet just grazed my arm, 8 stitches, it only cost $6, how is that even possible?”

Phil: “What did you do to the marshmallows Alan?”
Alan: “Well isn’t it obvious? I spiked them with muscle relaxers and plus my ADHD medication”

Phil: “You’re not my friend”
Alan: “Don’t say that Phil. Are you serious? Even in America?”


Stu: “You’re the bearded devil”
Alan: “You liked it. You smiled at me when I held up the bag of marshmallows.”
Stu: “Because I like marshmallows you fucking psycho!”

Alan: “What about England Phil? Will we still be friends there?”
Phil: “Alan I told you it was the heat of the moment, we’re still friends, all over the world.”

Alan: “First the monkey, now my hat, how much worse can this day get?”

Mr. Chow: “Oh, you never do blow before? Sometimes your hearts stops then starts up again. Read a book.”

Phil: “Why would you do that?”
Mr. Chow: “Safekeeping pretty boy. I got a lot of heat on my ass, I got FBI, Bangkok PD, Interpol, MSNBC…”

Mr. Chow: “This monkey isn’t just a normal monkey. Think of him like monkey drug mule…”

Phil: “How’d we wind up with a monkey last night anyway?”
Mr. Chow: “I needed some blow and Alan thought he was cute so we stole him”

Alan: “Oh my word!”

Alan: “…I’m at my wit’s end!”



Alan: “I’m gonna miss you monkey. I wish monkeys could Skype. Maybe one day.”

Phil: “Do you ever do anything that doesn’t end up in a stand off Chow?”
Mr. Chow: “I’m an international criminal, it always ends like this, I met my wife at one of these things.”

Phil: “Your password’s BOLOGNA1?”
Mr. Chow: “Well it used to be just BOLOGNA but now they make you add number.”
Kingsley: “fucking annoying”

Stu: “I have a weakness for prostitutes, all kinds apparently. I have a demon in me.”
Phil: “so what”

Stu: “…I’m gonna stay here in Bangkok. I think I belong here. Open up a little dentist’s office, teeth cleanings with a happy ending.”

Alan: “Hey! What the crud?”

Phil: “Chow has a speed boat?”
Teddy: “The Perfect Life”

Teddy: “It’s funny I can’t remember anything but when I woke up I was kinda happy.”
Stu: “Yeah”
Teddy: “By the way, do you have any idea where my finger is?”
Stu: “Yeah, we gave it to a drug dealing monkey.”
Teddy: “Bangkok”
Stu: “Yeah, right? Fuckin’ Bangkok.”

Stu: “…I’m actually a part of this weird wolfpack.”
Alan: “Hey it’s not weird it’s pretty cool actually, no membership fees”

Alan: “Thanks Phil, you should shave your head too.”
Phil: “Why would I do that?”
Alan: “Well that way we could look exactly alike”

Alan: “We have him for the night we don’t own him permanently” (in reference to Mike Tyson singing)

Mike Tyson: “By the way, you really need to remove that fuckin’ tattoo from your face”

Teddy: “Hey guys, you’re not gonna believe this”
Phil: “Is that your phone?”
Teddy: “Yeah”
Phil: “How come you never tried calling us?”
Teddy: “It’s been dead for 2 days but I recharged it and found all these photos”
Stu: “What”
Phil: “Shit”
Teddy: “Yeah some of it’s pretty messed up”
Mike Tyson: “Awesome, let’s check ’em out”
Stu: “Whoa, whoa, no one needs to see this stuff”
Mike Tyson: “C’mon man, I’m Mike Tyson I’ve seen everything”

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