Archive for the ‘Movie Quotes’ Category

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“…you fuckin’ name it, I can’t go there” – Eminem

This is the 2009 Judd Apatow dramedy starring Adam Sandler, Seth Rogen, Jonah Hill, Jason Schwartzman, Leslie Mann, Eric Bana, Aubrey Plaza and Aziz Ansari. It was the first Seth Rogen film that I wasn’t interested in seeing. All of the TV spots utilized the stand up bits which aren’t the funniest or best parts of the film. I’m guessing that this was to avoid giving away the main plot which is not a funny subject. It’s about a successful comedian/actor who finds out that he is ill and takes an upstart comedian under his wing. When a local video store went out of business last year and I was buying up ton of flicks super cheap I thought I’d get it just to round out my Seth Rogen collection. It was much better than I expected.

Ira: “Don’t blame me for your pussy issues.”

Leo: “You shouldn’t have lost all that weight man. There’s nothing funny about a physically fit man.
Ira: “I know, it’s lame right?”
Leo: “Yeah, no one wants to watch Lance Armstrong do comedy.”

Ira: “You know becoming marginally famous has really turned you into an asshole.”

Ira: “She’s mousy like a mouse you wanna stick your dick in.”

Mark: “I’ll give you 10 days on your 3 month plan”
Ira: “No, I need 80 more days than that”
Mark: “Okay, I do this because I care about you, I do this to motivate you but I will fuck that girl in 10 days, I promise”

Mark: “Don’t do this to me, don’t make me fuck her”
Ira: “Well then just don’t fuck her”
Mark: “Don’t you put me in this corner where I have to fuck my way out”

Mark: “You know Ira just lost 20 pounds”
Daisy: “Ooh congratulations”
Ira: “Yes I did, all from my cock, um so”

Randy: “…what kind of crackhead terminology is that? ‘What size do you want man?’ ‘I don’t know man, I just gotta have it. Put some ice cream in a cup with some sprinkles, put your dick in a Butterfinger and fuck it for me please, put it in a cup’…”

Ira: “…it’s sad knowing Merman is crying inside…”

Leo: “You do? You hate it when people kiss your ass too hard?”
Mark: “Yeah, I hate it”

Tom: “Do you actually use Myspace?”
George: “No, I fuck girls, I don’t have time for that.”

George: “I like dumb people, they like to talk to you. ‘Hey what’s going on?’ ‘I like lollipops!’ ‘Good.’ ‘My favorite color is butterscotch’.”

George: “I’ve got some advice for the ladies out there when you are, uh, performing that act on, uh, a fella, don’t ever say ‘You know you’re the first I ever got the whole thing in my mouth? Normally I get like halfway down and I just start fucking choking, but with you I’ve got a ball in my mouth, that’s never happened…”

woman: “I can’t believe I’m having sex with George Simmons”
George: “He can’t believe it either”
woman: “Oh, my dad loves your movies”
George: “Yeah, it’s the best when you talk about your dad”

woman 2: “Fuck me like Merman, c’mon, do Merman, do the Merman call, c’mon”

George: “…kill me Ira, I’m beggin’ ya”
Ira: “Can’t you at least give me like a night to think about it?”
George: “Ha! Think about it? You would do it.”

Leo: “It’s not a big deal, some grandpas go to hell”

George: “You and 5 year olds love Merman”
Ira: “smart movie”

Daisy: “That’s weird, you know so much about Delaware, who are you, fuckin’ Joe Biden?”

George: “…the one that got away, guys have that and serial killers have that. I had the truck lined with garbage bags but then she got away”

George: “Your accent’s very thick. Did you ever notice that your accent makes things sound worse than they are?”

Ira: “Just so you know how I see you, you’re a starfucker, you’re a girl who met a star and you fucked him and he’s not even that famous. What if real good looking celebrity was my roommate? What if I lived with, ya know, James McAvoy or Jude Law or something?”
Daisy: “I don’t know, I’d probably fuck both of those people. I’m sorry, lower the bar a little bit…”

Laura: “The crazy thing is he cheats on me too, he’s like an Australian you”

Mark: “Uh, can we get you a drink or some food?”
George: “I don’t know, let me just walk around and go through your shit”

George: “You like big penises?”
Daisy: “I have a really skinny vagina, so”

Ira: “It’s okay, when I first moved here I blew Mr. Belvedere, so everyone does that.”

Dave Attell: “…this guy, this guy man, you’ve got the women, you’ve got the fame and you can’t fuckin’ die, did you suck the devil’s dick, what is it man, I want to know your secret”

Clarke: “I don’t know how you do it. I’d be pissin’ in my panties if I was you.”

Clarke: “He’s funny, I don’t know why his movies aren’t funny though, that’s weird isn’t it, he should get some of that on the silver screen”

Clarke: “I will not be put on the cross for something I did not even do”
Laura: “Go fuck your whores!”

Leo: “Go lose some more weight Ira, you look fuckin’ weird skinny!”

Laura: “We didn’t even have sex, he just went down on me”
Ira: “That’s even worse”

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Due Date is a road trip comedy about two people who are complete opposites starring Robert Downey Jr. and Zach Galifianakis and directed by Todd Phillips (The Hangover, The Hangover 2, Old School, Road Trip). Initially I had no interest in seeing this film that seemed to just be a contrived money grab. When it hit DVD and I was subjected to the repetitive ads I figured that I would give it a shot. Yes, it’s an unneeded movie in the scheme of things but it’s very funny.

Ethan: “We haven’t been drinking, we split a 6 pack of 40s”

Peter: I’ve never done drugs in my life, this is abs, this is crazy”

Ethan: “I have 90 friends on Facebook, 12 of them are pending, but I have 90 friends”

Ethan: “he thinks he’s human, so stupid” (while feeding his dog at the table in a diner)

Ethan: “…Two and a Half Men is the reason I wanted to become an actor, especially the second season”


(source: sarahwand.tumblr.com)

Ethan: “I shouldn’t have come here, I’m allergic to waffles”

Ethan: “She’s very legitimate, I met her on Craigslist” (about a drug dealer)

Peter: “What terms do you think in?”
Ethan: “I’m not an accountant, I’m not even Jewish.”
Peter: “Are you an adult?”
Ethan: “Of course I’m an adult, I’m 23 years old.”
Peter: “You are the most shot out 23 year old I’ve ever seen.”

Peter: “You have a reservation at Chili’s?”
Ethan: “That’s actually smart, they get busy on Wednesdays”

Lonnie: (singing) “It’s closing time, time to go to Chili’s and chow down with my fuckin’ boys”

Ethan: “Oh that’s just me, I’m masturbating”

Peter: “Your fuckin’ dog’s doin it too”

Ethan: “I also fell asleep during a job interview at Bank of America”

Peter: “…I despise you at a cellular level.”
Ethan: “Okay, I’ve heard that before and I’m trying to work on it.”

Peter: “That was Shakespeare, heard of him?”
Ethan: “Yes, I’ve heard of him, he’s a famous pirate and by the way it’s Shakesbeard.”

Darryl: “and you just spit on his dog”

Peter: “Give me that dog and I will rip it in half.”
Ethan: “You better check yourself before you wreck yourself.”

Peter: “What was that site called?”
Ethan:ItsRainingTwoAndAHalfMen.com

Border Guard: “What about the dog? Does he have glaucoma? Cuz his eyes are glassy as fuck”

Ethan: “Well I’m in stealth mode, I’ve got the scarf on my head and everything”

Peter: “No I’m not naming my son after a masturbating dog.”

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Jim Carrey stars as the highly intelligent Steven Russell in the dark comedy I Love You Phillip Morris. He is a middle aged man who comes out and then becomes a con man to support his extravagant lifestyle. Ewan McGregor costars as the love of his life, Phillip Morris. Leslie Mann costars. The film was adapted from the book, I Love You Phillip Morris: A True Story of Life, Love, and Prison Breaks by Steve McVicker, which is based on the real life of Steven Jay Russell.

Steven Russell: (picking up welcome mat) “You know what? I’m gonna take this mat cuz it’s a lie.”

Steven Russell: “Oh, did I forget to mention I’m gay, yeah, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay…”

Lindholm: “Do it man, cum in my ass”
Steven Russell: “And I did”

Steven Russell: “…actually no one ever really talks about this but being gay is really expensive”

Steven Russell: “Now I had a job but it was no where as good for living as high on the gay hog as I did.”

Debbie: “I just wonder is the gay thing and stealing something that goes hand and hand or?”
Jimmy: “What the fuck are you talking about?”

Steven Russell: (explaining prison to a new inmate) “You just need to know some ins and outs and you’ll be fine…see him, over there, him, anything you want from the outside, he’s the guy, candy, cigarettes, drugs, whatever, he’s the guy. Just keep in mind it’s gonna cost you a lot of money or you can suck his dick, your choice. You’re gonna catch a beating any day now, that’s just the way it is…just fight back, win or lose, just fight back or you can try to suck the guy’s dick, your choice.”
mail guy: “Letters, magazines, shit like that, it all goes through on my list, grandma sent you cookies, porn or brownies, whatever, you have to pay for it if you want to get it, $5 per item, or you can suck my dick”
Steven Russell: “It’s your choice”

Steven Russell: “My name is Steven Russell.”
Phillip Morris: “Nice to meet you Steven. My name is Phillip Morris.”

Phillip Morris: “I don’t go in that yard. You know what happens to blond haired, blue eyed queers in that yard.”

Steven Russell: “I hope the chocolate made it to you okay, check the TP.”

Phillip Morris: “Enough romance, let’s fuck”

Phillip Morris: “Did you pay to have him beat up?”
Steven Russell: “You hated that guy”
Phillip Morris: “Answer the question”
Steven Russell: “Yes”
Phillip Morris: “That’s the most romantic thing anyone has ever done for me.”

Steven Russell: (to a customer while working at a deli counter) “My boyfriend’s getting out of prison next week.”

Vera: “Can you still practice law having been to prison?”
Steven Russell: “Sure, why not?”

Phillip Morris: “I’m trying to be understanding honey, I am, but golf, why don’t you just eat pussy?”

Steven Russell: “…maybe it was because of my past or because they were the most fucking boring people on Earth but I’d been robbing them blind for months”

Phillip Morris: “I don’t care about the money. All I want is you. I just want us to be together.”

Steven Russell: “…oh, that’s Jesus on the other line, gotta go, bye.”

Phillip Morris: “Well you’re the lawyer, you figure it out. Oh my god, you’re not even a fuckin’ lawyer, are you? Fuckin’ liar.”

Phillip Morris: “…I don’t even think you know who you are so how am I supposed to love something that doesn’t exist, you tell me that”

My Favorite Movies: Velvet Goldmine-starring Ewan McGregor
Top Gay Movies on Netflix Instant Streaming
Gay Boys Kissing-includes Ewan McGregor in clips from Velvet Goldmine
Shirtless Beefcakes of the 90s-includes Ewan McGregor
Sexy Shirtless Superheroes

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Movie Quotes: Paul

Feb
2011
28

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Italian Poster

"Ready who and for a drawn near encounter?"

Read on for the funniest quotes from the new alien comedy Paul starring Simon Pegg, Nick Frost and Seth Rogen. Quotes may contains spoilers for the film.

Adam Shadowchild: “That is a wonderful cover, 3 tits, awesome.”

Room Service Attendant Jorge: “You guys on honeymoon?”

Room Service Attendant Jorge: “Have a nice honeymoon.”
Graeme Willy: “aw, thank you”

Pat Stevenson: “I like romances.”
Graeme Willy: “It’s kind of a romance.”
Pat Stevenson: “Between a woman and a machine?”
Graeme Willy: “uh, yeah”
Pat Stevenson: “I hear that”

Gus: “What is this, some kinda gay bar?”
Pat Stevenson: “Nah, just a place where you can get a bite to eat and maybe share a close encounter.”
Gus: “yep, sounds like a gay bar”
Clive Gollings: (laughs) “oh no, we’re just friends”

Graeme Willy: “This is like Deliverance.”
Clive Gollings: “They’re going to rape us and break our arms.”
Graeme Willy: “I don’t want my arms broken.”

Graeme Willy: “You made him faint.”
Paul: “It’s not like I set my phaser to faint.”
Graeme Willy: “You have a phaser?”

Paul: “I”m Paul”
Grame Willy: “Paul?”
Paul: “Yeah, it’s a nickname that stuck, I, I, my ship crashed on a dog, it doesn’t matter…”

Haggard: “3 tits, that’s awesome”
O’Reilly: “You guys should give her 4 tits”
Graeme Willy: “That’s just sick.”

Graeme Willy: “What’s the matter Clive?”
Clive Gollings: “There is an alien in the kitchenette making bagels and coffee”
Graeme Willy: “Did you want tea?”

Paul: “ooh, Marmite”

Paul: “If you think about it, it’s time travel”

The Big Guy: “What are they, MI6?”
Haggard: “Negative, just a couple of nerds on the lamb from Comic Con”

Paul: “This is America, kidnapping a Christian, that’s worse than harboring a fugitive”

Paul: “roll over, I’ll do you”
Clive Gollings: “absolutely not, no spoilers”

Ruth Buggs: “Well I am planning on doing a lot of kissing and fornicating so you’d really be helping me out”

Paul: “This is pretty strong shit. I got it from the military actually. This is the stuff that killed Dylan.”
Graeme Willy: “Bob Dylan’s not dead.”
Paul: “Isn’t he?”

Paul: “Clive likes boning space bears”

Graeme Willy: “Okay, we’re just a couple of regular guys walking down the street with a small cowboy”

O’Reilly: “Holy shit, spaceman balls”
Haggard: “and who has spaceman balls?”
O’Reilly: “Buzz Aldrin”

Haggard: “give me the alien”
Graeme Willy: “get your own alien”

Haggard: “This isn’t your mission.”
Moses Buggs: “I’m on a mission from God.”
Haggard: “Tell him you failed”

Moses Buggs: “God be with you”
Paul: “yeah, whatever dude”

Tara Walton: “I don’t have my toothbrush”
Paul: “Baby where we’re going you don’t need teeth”

Paul: “Well it’s safe to say we’ve all learned something from this, be yourself, speak from your heart, some shit like that, I don’t know”

Paul: “This shit takes off very slowly, it’s a little awkward, goodbye”

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The Green Hornet is a fantastic new superhero movie (based on the 1960s TV series that was based on the 1930s radio program) starring Seth Rogen, Jay Chou, Christoph Waltz and Cameron Diaz. It’s truly hilarious and plays out more like a comedy than an action film. This is no doubt due to the fact that Seth Rogen was one of the writers. Quotes may contain *SPOILERS*.

Danny Clear: “Chudnofsky? All right. Chudnofsky kiss my ass. Put your lips to my ass and kiss it. French kiss it, tickle it with your gray whiskers…”

Danny Clear: “…this is what you need to get to the top today, not hard work, not dressing like Disco Santa Claus”

Chudnofsky: “You said I’m boring, my gun has 2 barrels, that’s not boring and it was very difficult to make”

James Reid: “This gives you a sense of fulfillment?”
Britt Reid: “I told you dad tomorrow I’m enrolling in ITT Technical Institute to fix computers for a living so I’m, ah”

James Reid: “And I told you to stop taking girls into my garage. Do it again and I’ll change the lock”

Britt Reid: “Will someone explain to me why on the worst day of my life my coffee tastes like shit!?!”

Britt Reid: “Sit with me Kato, tell me your tale.”

Britt Reid: “That is some Ben-Hur shit man”

Kato: “I’m a genius”
Britt Reid: “You are a genius. You’re a mad genius.”
Kato: “I like classical music.”
Britt Reid: “You’re a genius who likes classical music. You know what you are? You’re a human Swiss Army Knife.”
Kato: “I don’t know, what’s that mean?”
Britt Reid: “It’s a little thing and you keep pulling out things and just when you think there couldn’t be anymore cool things a new cool thing comes out and that’s you. You are even dressed like one. You just need a little plus on your chest. Let’s drink more.”

The Green Hornet: “Aw, this looks ominous”

The Green Hornet: “Are you a good driver?”
Kato: “Are you kidding me? When I was a kid me and some friends…”
The Green Hornet: “Kato, not now, drive”

Britt Reid: “Kato, I think this is the greatest moment of my entire life.”
Kato: “I know, mine too.”

Kato: “I’m too fast for TV”

Kato: “We saved those people and all they talk about is this stupid head”

Britt Reid: “What is the one insanely stupid thing every superhero has in common?”
Kato: “tights”
Britt Reid: “no”
Kato: “cape”
Britt Reid: “No Kato. It’s that everyone knows that they’re the good guys, the hero, ya know, all the bad guy has to do is start capping some innocent people and he’s got the good guy by the nuts. It’s in every movie, it’s in every comic book, it’s in everything, it’s so stupid. But if the bad guy thought the good guy was also a bad guy he wouldn’t be able to do that. That’s what we’ll do differently. We will pose as villains but we’ll act like heroes.”

Britt Reid: “Look at us, we’ve both been completely wasting our potential, you a little bit more than me. I mean what do you want your autobiography to be called, ‘Oil Changes and Cappuccinos’, because I think ‘Balls Deep In Shit Kickin Dudes’ by Kato is a much cooler sounding book. I would read that book and I don’t read shit but when they adapted it into a movie I would see the shit out of it.”

Mike Axford: “let’s not blow this thing out of proportion”
Britt Reid: “I will blow this guy in any proportion I like”

Britt Reid: “That’s it, I got it, this man is called The Green Bee.”

Chudnofsky: “Decapitated statues? I decapitated real people.”

Britt Reid: “I’m just sitting here thinking, why are you only now pursuing this in your, uh? Kato, help me out here, uh, twilight…no, no, no, not like the movie. I guess if we’re doing movies it would be more like Cocoon or something like that. Later in one’s years”

Britt Reid: “You’ve displayed two things, balls and if there’s one thing I like on my women it’s balls”

Britt Reid: “Kato, I want you to take my hand and I want you to come with me on this adventure”
Kato: “I’ll go with you but I don’t want to touch you”

The Green Hornet: “I think we’re in the hood Kato”

Kato: “I don’t want to talk…I barely speak English”
The Green Hornet: “You’re speaking English right now”

Chudnofsky: “This is exactly what I was talking about, I’m not as scary as some idiot in a green mask? C’mon”

Britt Reid: “Is anyone safe at the mercy of DOT DOT DOT, the Green Hornet and I want those dots, I want dots in the paper, okay”

Britt Reid: “I need to look cool now? What the hell? You said my outfit was pimp. I remember even thinking that’s a weird word for him to use, pimp, but you said it was pimp”

Britt Reid: “Did you put this diaper on me?”

Britt Reid: “Mono? Yeah well, it’s better than Herpes, right”

Britt Reid: “I know we’ve become renegade superheroes and there’s a lot of stress involved with that but you don’t gotta freak out dude”

Britt Reid: “Girls are a drag Kato, thank God we have each other.”

Britt Reid: “We’ve got Hornet mail! He emailed! It happened!”

Britt Reid: “Another adventure for The Green Hornet and his nameless sidekick, bum, bum, bum”

Britt Reid: “Oh, it means that, uh, you think you’re an awesome karate dude that can do anything and I’m an incompetent schmuck who needs a gun that shoots farts at people”

Britt Reid: “No, that’s a filthy gesture”

Kato: “You hit on everything that moves. I’m amazed you haven’t hit on me yet.”

Kato: “You’re a yuppie wimp and I’m a martial arts expert who grew up penniless on the streets”

Lenore Case: “He called me a scandalous minx and then he fired me”

Chudnofsky: “…Bloodnofsky, I was gonna wear red for blood, get it? That’s scary and cool”

Britt Reid: “Yes, I understand, you just got played by a playa”

Chudnofsky: “I am Bloodnofsky, I’ve killed a thousand before and I’ll kill a thousand more…”

Kato: “Hand over the sushi”
The Green Hornet: “Uh, yeah, hand it over”

The Green Hornet: “Holy shit, ejector seats. You actually built them”

The Green Hornet: “Here’s the story, we’re on our way to a costume party, okay”

Lenore Case: “Why did you keep asking me to do research on The Green Hornet when you are The Green Hornet?”
Britt Reid: “We don’t know what we’re doing. We needed you to help us. Don’t you see? You’re the mastermind.”

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Yes, I do realize you probably don’t need a Green Hornet or Kato costume now (unless you are into role playing, cosplay or conventions, oh wait, you may need one) but it’s definitely something to think about for next Halloween.

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