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posted by on Christmas, Movie Quotes, Movies/TV

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(as per usual spoilers abound)



A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas is the third in the hilarious trilogy about two stoners who end up unintentionally going on wild drug filled adventures. This time it’s set during Christmas which means that those classic Christmas features can be incorporated, such as Santa, musicals, claymation and small, servile robots (oh wait, maybe those are just 80s related). Or as I gushed to the director Todd Strauss-Schulson who retweeted me on twitter.

(after jumping on Santa’s lap in a mall)
Kumar: “Santa!”
Mall Santa: “Kumar, No”
Mom in Line: “C’mon, is this a joke?”
Kumar: “Hold the fuck on Reba, your son can rub his ass on Santa’s cock in a minute”
Mall Santa: “What do you want for Christmas young man?”
Kumar: “That’s a really good question. I want a Snoopy Sno-Cone Machine
Mall Santa: “Done”
Kumar: “and a DeLorean”
Mall Santa: “Yes”
Kumar: “I want the Wu-Tang Clan to get back together”
Mall Santa: “I’ll tell the elves”
Kumar: “and by the way this is just for my stockings okay, for my real present…”

Adrian: “…to a party she’s throwing in Manhattan, best part of all you’re coming with me”
Kumar: “No can do man, I gotta stay here and smoke this week, otherwise I won’t get high…”

Todd: “All right, I’ll Skype you later, or text you, or both”

 

Maria: “Now c’mon on fuck a baby into me”

Vanessa: “I’m pregnant”
Kumar: “Pregnant? We, we practiced safe sex. I mean I pulled out and came on your back, maybe a couple of squeaks got by but is that all it takes?”
Vanessa: “Yes, that’s all it takes. No wonder you flunked outta med school”

Harold: “You look terrific, did you lose weight or?”
Kumar: “Oh, a gained quite a bit, actually…”

(inside of Harold’s house)
Kumar: “Hey, this place is like not shitty”
Harold: “Ah, thank you, the bay window’s brand new actually, we just put that in last week, the sconces are new, the sconces are actually brand new”
Kumar: “Yeah I was gonna say it looks like you guys got some awesome sconces” (cringes)
Harold: “Thank you, that’s very sweet of you”

Harold: “Maria’s dad grew that tree and now it is dead. Koreans killed his mother and now this tree. Christmas is ruined.”

Todd: “Freeze, this is a robbery, give me all your friendship…”

Adrian: “So you two own this tree lot?”
Lamar: “Yeah, what a couple of brothers can’t sell trees? Only swing from em like monkeys you honkey”
Adrian: “What? No, of course not, you can do both”

Adrian: “…pussy’s not like yogurt, it has an expiration date”
Kumar: “Yogurt has an expiration date”
Adrian: “Does it? Damnit, okay, that explains a lot…”

Todd: “You got my baby high!”

Ava: “I got the munchies”
Todd: “Great, now we’ve got to stop and get some disgusting food for her so she can come down from her trip, fantastic”

Adrian: “…also I told her you work for the White House”
Kumar: “Yeah, like anyone’s gonna believe that”

Todd: “…ah, Cocaine! Have you kids never seen VH1’s Behind the Music? Do you not know what cocaine can do to the mind of a person as young as you?”

Kumar: “Okay dude, do you feel kinda weird?”
Harold: “Yeah, I do actually. My face is feeling kinda numb.
Kumar: “Fuck, I bet these kids put something in here”
Harold: “Was it drugs? Was it semen?”
Kumar: (gargles drink) It doesn’t taste like semen.”

Mary: “Sorry, I don’t date black guys” (about Kumar)

Kumar: “Uh, excuse me, Miss, I’m not gonna let you rape my friend on Christmas Eve, all right, he’s married”

Adrian: “Your coke baby has super powers”

Harold: “Holy shit, dude, you’re claymated”

Rosenberg: “Okay don’t start with this, all right, just cuz your wife made you convert doesn’t mean you’re not a Jew. His name is Seth Goldstein for christ sake”
Goldstein: “First of all, don’t ever take the lord’s name in vain, secondly I was baptized bitch!”
Goldstein: “The second the priest poured that holy water over me all my Jewish neurosis and self hatred just washed right off.”
Kumar: “Sounds like you’re really enjoying your new religion”
Goldstein: “Dude, it’s the balls, these dirty Jew bastards have no idea what they’re missing, fishing, hunting, I can tie knots on a sail boat. I’ve made some terrible investments, doesn’t bother me a bit. And guess what? Next week I have an appointment to get uncircumcised. That’s right I’m gonna get my schnozzle”

Kumar: “…then I’ll head down to the nun’s shower room”
Harold: “I didn’t know the nuns all showered in the same room”
Kumar: “Of course they do, how do you think they stay so clean?”


Kumar: “…you and I will get the tree, we’ll take it back to your place and when Maria’s dad comes home and sees this beautiful tree sitting in your living room he’ll jizz all over it”

Kumar: “No, dude, I don’t understand. Look at you man, you’ve got a great job, you make good money, you don’t beat your wife, what more could a Latino father in law wish for?”

Neil Patrick Harris: “Oh, what did I tell you about using tongue?”
David Burtka: “You said you wanted it to look realistic”
Neil Patrick Harris: “Yeah realistic, not fucking gay as shit. You know the only reason I put up with this homo crap is for the P’Tang”

Neil Patrick Harris: “Fuck Savage, that rock is mine”

Gracie: “Oh my god, I thought you were gay”
Neil Patrick Harris: “I am gay, gay for that pussy”

Neil Patrick Harris: “Morty, Kumar, long time”



Kumar: “Time the fuck out Neal, how the fuck are you still alive?”
Harold: “Yeah, how the fuck are you still alive man?”
Neil Patrick Harris: “What you talkin’ bout?”
Harold: “We saw you get shot, remember?”
Neil Patrick Harris: “You have to be more specific”
Kumar: “in that whorehouse”
Harold: “in Texas”
Kumar: “you branded a prostitute”
Harold: “remember?”
Neil Patrick Harris: “oh yeah, now I remember…”

(on heaven)
Neil Patrick Harris: “…the chicks were hot, the music was sick, there were lasers, it was like being famous in the early 90s”

Jesus: “I’m sure you recognize me but I’m Jesus, so”
Neil Patrick Harris: “Jesus?”
Jesus: (points at crucifix necklace) “Jesus Christ, that’s me, I’m Jesus Christ”

(or the version that was cut but used for commercials/trailers)
Jesus: “Neil Patrick Harris. Welcome to heaven, I’m Jesus”
Neil Patrick Harris: Jesus?”
Jesus: “Christ, I practically run this place”
Neil Patrick Harris: “Oh, for reals?”
Jesus: “I mean my dad owns it but I’m kinda number 1”
Neil Patrick Harris: “Oh, you’re one of those”

Neil Patrick Harris: “Okay, ladies I’m Neil Patrick Harris, I played Private Carl Jenkins in Starship Troopers”

Neil Patrick Harris: “Jesus, what a cockblock”

Kumar: “You’re not gay motherfucker!”
Harold: “at all”

Neil Patrick Harris: “…hey Merry Christmas guys, we’ll see you in the next one”

Todd: “No, no, no more cocaine”
Ava: (rubbing face) “I need it, I need it”

Kumar: “No, nobody’s dying Claus, not on my watch”

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(source for the gifs: V-H-S.tumblr.com)

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(from GQ)

Dale: “Well she’s not just my girlfriend anymore, we’re engaged now”
Julia: “What?”
Dale: “We’re engaged”
Julia: “You said that she was just a hole for your dick”
Dale: “I never said that. Not really my style”


(from Kevin Spacing tumblr)

Nick: “You know that last month you made me work so late that I missed saying goodbye to my Gam Gam?”
Harkin: “I’m sorry, what?”
Nick: “My grandmother. I told you that I needed to see her because she was very, very sick. You said that if I left early I’d get fired and she died before I made it to the hospital.”
Harkin: “I’m sorry”
Nick: “Thank you”
Harkin: (laughing) “I had no idea that you called your grandmother Gam Gam.” (laughing more rambunctiously) “Sorry, I’m sorry, sorry that you didn’t get to say bye bye to Gam Gam, I really am, I’m sorry, but I needed you to stay here and work late because you are an invaluable member of this operation and I need you in the position that you’re currently in.”

Bobby: “What else? Oh yeah, we’ve gotta trim some of the fat around here”
Kurt: “Trim the, what do ya mean by trim the fat?”
Bobby: “I want you to fire the fat people.”
Kurt: “What?”
Bobby: “They’re lazy and they’re slow and they make me sad to look at. You can start with Large Marge. Marge, can you come in here please?”
Kurt: “No, Margee’s not fat, she’s pregnant. I’m not gonna fire her.”
Bobby: “Fine. Uh stay where you are Marge. Congratulations”
Bobby: “You can fire, uh Professor Xavier”
Kurt: “Who are you talking about? You mean Hank”
Bobby: “Yeah, he fuckin’ creeps me out, rollin’ around all day in his special little secret chair, I know he’s up to something”


(from James Brown tumblr)

Dale: “Well now you’re kinda crossin’ the line cuz you’re naked”
Julia: “Uh, not naked Dale, can you see my pussy?”
Dale: “True, um, but I think, uh, even really saying the word, uh, pussy is that’s”
Julia: “That’s crossing the line?
Dale: “little bit
Julia: “Starting to sound like a little faggot there Dale”
Dale: “There we go, that one’s, uh, another one, probably an illegal thing to say too”

Kurt: “Technically I think it’s immoral for me not to kill him”

Julia: (climbs on Day’s fiance who is knocked out in the dentist’s office) “Let’s use her like a bed”


Dale: “Rape, rape, rape, that’s a rape! This is what raping is! You’re a raper! You’ve raped me! That’s a rape! Rape!”

Dale: “Your ad said you do wet work”
Wetwork Man: “That’s correct, I urinate on other men for money”

Motherfucker Jones: “I’m gonna be your murder consultant.”
Dale: “I’m sorry but uh, no man, right, that’s not cool”
Motherfucker Jones: “You wanna shut this fuckin’ hamster up”
Dale: “Don’t call me a hamster now, c’mon, it’s just upsetting”
Kurt: “Easy, easy, easy, no, it’s it’s somewhat accurate…”

Kurt: (stepping into Farrell’s house) Aw look at this, look at this place, it’s awful. It’s like a douche bag museum. It’s like we stepped inside the mind of an asshole.”

Nick: (cleaning cocaine) “…I feel like I should be panicking and I am a little bit but it’s like in a very, very good way, like a good kind of panic, like I feel like I want to die right now but I also feel very, very, very good”

Dale: “I’m coked out of my fuckin’ mind I’ll punch whoever the fuck I want to”

Kurt: (looking at a wedding photo) “Hey, shit is that Harkin’s wife?
Nick: “Yeah, that’s her”
Kurt: “Oh man, she is hot”
Nick: “She sure is, here we go.”
Kurt: “I tell ya what, I’d like to bend her over a barrel and show her the 50 states, ya know what I’m sayin’?”
Nick: “I don’t know what that means.”
Kurt: “It’s a saying”
Nick: “I don’t think so.”
Kurt: “No, it is, it is, people say that.”
Nick: “I haven’t heard it”
Kurt: “I’ve definitely heard people say that”
Nick: “I’m not gonna argue with you. Let’s continue the recon”
Kurt: “Well it’s definitely a phrase.”
Nick: “It sure isn’t.”
Kurt: “Yeah it is. It’s from a book, Great Gatsby maybe”

Harkin: “You want to tell me what you’re doing littering on my street?”
Dale: “I think what happened was that the wind blew it out of my hand”
Harkin: “I don’t care if the wind blew it out of your twat…”

Kurt: “I can’t go to jail, look at me, I’d get raped like crazy”
Nick: “Me too”
Kurt: “Yeah, totally”
Nick: “I’d get raped just as much as you would”
Kurt: “Oh no, I know you would, of course you would”
Nick: “You think you’re more rapeable than I am?”
Kurt: “Hey Nick, I’m not saying anything like that”
Nick: “You’re coming very close to saying it”

Kurt: “Then next thing you know she makes herself a little snack, a Popsicle, then a banana and finally a hot dog, c’mon”
Dale: “No, I don’t believe your story”
Kurt: “3 penis shaped foods, that can’t be a coincidence, right? And eating them in that weird order? That’s not a proper meal”
Nick: “It’s cold to hot.”

(at the police precinct)
Nick: “I was drag racing. I’m a drag racer.”
Detective Samson: “You were drag racing, in a Prius?”
Nick: “I don’t win a lot”

Nick: “Where were you during the murder?”
Kurt: “I was making love to a woman, murdering some ass…”

Kurt: “They found my DNA”
Dale: “The found your poop brush!”

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