Posts Tagged ‘life’

posted by on Editorial, Life, Various

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Where we are headed with this blog and my Youtube channel. I love all of you supporters. Stay with me. I will me here to entertain and inform you in the future. THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!

Missemmamm.com has been my baby since I started in it, oh 2009 or so, around a decade. I still love it, but I am evolving. I am not writing as much. I am more into video, than words or print at this time. I can blame society, but it is also my preference. At at rate, this is the current “mission statement” or the ultimate idea” of my blog, at this point in time.

No one, controls this idea and/or statement, I pay for this blog/site. This is what I believe in/want to perpetuate. Your choice? What you want to read? I love MYSELF and MAY love all of you! This is about my blog ONLY.

If you have always been a fan, I applaud and love you. At any other rate, celebrate, ignore, or ruminate on this.

THANK YOU!
-missemmamm

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posted by on Editorial, Life, Various

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When it comes to plans and how you treat people, do you think that all of this comes down to a generalized  fear of missing out (particularly the social media saturated world that we are living in) or is it just general disregard?

Another heavy issue?

Now, I was born in the 80s and raised in the 90s. I’m a true 80s baby/90s child/teen. Unlike those born in the 90s who glom on to all of our pop culture. We were there. We lived it. And we lived without…just some general things. As a certain type of family, we didn’t even have a home phone when I was a very young child (at least 5 and under). I know others did. That’s not what I’m speaking of. I’m speaking of how children now seem to come out of the womb with an ipad attached to their hands, knowing more about apps than I’ll ever know about appetizers.

Any who, the way that the younger generation, and even those closer to my age currently make plans seems a bit bs to me lately. I mean, growing up, things weren’t set in stone. Yes, I’m on the autism spectrum, yes this influences the fact that I have a thing for plans, but I can bend, a bit. However, when we were younger it was definitely a “thing” to make plans. You got on a landline or a payphone and hoped the other person was home or that their parents or younger brother (yeah, right!) would take down a message letting them know that you called and wanted to hangout.

fry futurama fomo

Now a days, it’s more like a series of messages sent through some type of satellite, via either text or social networking that is basically gouging if you are fun/cool/better than the other person’s established plans or maybe if they can fit you into those plans. I get spontaneity. I don’t expect people to drop everything for me. However, if you’ve contacted everyone you are thinking of hanging with and get a no or a maybe and then start hanging with me, well, that seems like a sign that I’m now your friend that you are hanging with. Maybe I’m wrong, who knows.

I must say that I love Asis Ansari’s bit on this though. So, lately, I try to make plans further in advance, if I actually want them to stick. If they are random, I expect nothing. But if someone is being random, don’t abandon those who picked up the slack. I’m fine with being alone, but not after you drag me into your drama. That’s all I’m saying.

Related:
On: Going Solo
Blogathon: Life, Love and the Movies
The Body Image Carousel
Vintage 83
How Not to Shop in April or Avoiding Eugenics Funding
Why Billy Dee Williams (aka Lando Calrissian) should not be on Dancing with the Stars
Maybe you went to college, but this is not technically college
An Open Letter To Darden aka Quitting my First “Pretty Person Job”

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posted by on Editorial, Life, Various

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Even though National Eating Disorder Awareness Week was last week, this is pretty much always applicable to some of us. I know this is a “fun site”, but sometime I have to share some insight, instead. Also, I did the below last week, unknowingly during that week, which is kind of kismet.

Oprah Weight Watchers

Oprah Weight Watchers

Oprah is now doing Weight Watchers (and also owns stock in the company). Recently I did that one week Nutrisystem package again. Are these two things related? No, but yeah, in a way-both of us are in a constant fight with our own bodies.

 

when I was young and had no weight concerns (around 4)

when I was young and had no weight concerns (around 4)

For me, it started with puberty. Well, no, it started before that. I remember what must have been third grade. That was the first time that someone called me fat. That was the first time that I started over analyzing my body, not just my clothes (which had always been in a fun way, prior).

There was a local store, now long since closed that my mom would sometimes take me to and buy me a special dress. We would take as long as I needed to find the perfect one. It would usually end up being worn often-for school photos, assemblies, etc.

The first time I was called fat was in such a dress. It was the very early 90s, the body was a cotton/lycra blend of midnight blue with white and blue polka dot shoulders and a skirt in the same design. A rose punctuated the upper front, where I now have boobs, but then I didn’t because I was about 8. Our class had done something noteworthy and fun, so my teacher took photos of all of us against the wall. Then we glued them to paper stars and taped them in the hallway. I don’t remember what the achievement was. I just remember that one day a kid looked at it and then to me. Then he said “you’re fat”. And I have been, ever since, IN MY HEAD.

beyonce

My weight has fluctuated, of course, but even at my thinnest I knew it wouldn’t last and that my body was bad and wrong, just in a different way. At that point, I did get a lot of compliments, but also insults-stick, skin and bones, etc. I lost my boobs, a whole cup size. I still didn’t have a waist, to paraphrase Beyonce, I can make my body smaller, but it’s not gonna change the general shape.

Once, midway through 2014’s weight loss, I was told that I had bat wings, I did not, but it drove me crazy. Weights were added to my already strenuous, mostly cardio based workouts. I was a Beach Body coach and I hated my body. It wasn’t a bad experience. I learned about my optimal heart rates, for different times, which has helped when I’ve been ill since.

pretty much my thinnest, fall 2014, during the DCP

pretty much my thinnest, fall 2014, during the DCP

But, I’m an extremist. I’ll always suffer from disordered eating. I gained back a lot of weight in 2015. I had no time or energy to workout much when I had been working at Disney, prior to that, but I also walked a lot. My pedometer clocked over 20 miles per day, just during my daily life of work and playing in the parks. Even the delicious, Disney buffets that I eventually started dining at couldn’t outdo my metabolism, at that point.

2015 was very different though. On and off, I’d try to be healthy, but then everything was happening. I was finishing my degree, tackling multiple internships, then jobs and love. I did graduate as Salutatorian, I ruined my perfect 4.00 during my last semester while finishing my second internship and getting a full time job. That was incredibly difficult, so my grades suffered slightly. That’s another part of my problem. I may seem like a free spirit and in many ways I am, but in other ways I’m a type A, Monica Gellar personality, who wants everything perfect, a 3.89 isn’t perfect. It’s still very good though. That’s what I need to realize about life, I guess.

I went from my internship/job that was physically oriented, but also, sometimes provided free, cheap processed food to a completely sedentary desk job. Like, you gotta use your break to use the restroom type of deal. Yeah, so while the first definitely wasn’t aiding in my weight loss, the second has basically suffocated it.

I then moved in with my boyfriend. That’s another huge change. I was exhausted. I was not working out like I NEED TO BE, and I started eating a lot of what I want more often. It’s not like I never exercise and have no self control, but I can also walk to a pizza place and be home before the pizza starts to cool. This is another extreme, this binge stage. I would like to have a happy medium, but it’s kind of impossible for me.

A few years ago, I picked up Alicia Silverstone’s cookbook (Amazon referral link). I became vegan. It’s something that I had always wanted to try. I attacked it as a hardcore hobby. I learned a lot, like there are a lot of yummy beans out there. I felt healthier, my skin looked better, but as per usual, it wasn’t just a hobby, it was bordering on becoming an eating disorder itself. It’s a VERY restrictive form of eating. And, just an FYI, I lost a minimal amount of weight.

These are not new, these are patterns for me.

When I was in high school, I was bullied, A LOT, about everything,-name, hair WEIGHT. I couldn’t change my name or my hair (though I did try). I could do something about my weight though, I thought. I dieted a lot. I had the same thing every at day at school for lunch. A meager salad from the school’s salad trough, without dressing. If I felt that I deserved it, for some reason, on a particular day, I’d get an apple as a treat. I exercised, but I also had academic courses, which often amounted to 3-4 hours of homework a night. So, at that point, I was actually exercising at what is considered a healthy amount. However, that’s not enough for my family’s genes. We are not meant to be small people. I was always only losing and then regaining 5 lbs. It was BS.

One day something inside of me snapped. I didn’t exercise and ate junk for about a year. I mainly wore black and wouldn’t allow photos to be taken of me. I usually take a lot of photos, in case you don’t know me well. Sometimes when I talk about this time, which was my heaviest, people think I’m lying because they don’t remember. They were living their own lives. And due to the photo issue, there are only about 3 photos of me at the point.

Eventually, I was spurred to lose weight. My classes were now spread out all over the four story, two building campus. I literally had to run between them (BTW-5 minutes was not a fair amount of time to get between those classes, even for a healthy individual).

After much overexercising, exercise bulimia BTW, and dieting, I got back down to what I still consider to be “my good weight”. The problem was that even at that point, that I couldn’t stop. I restricted more and more.

Then, when I started partying in my early 20s, I found out that binge drinking isn’t all bad as vomiting counteracts any food, I’d actually, finally at the end of the night, allow myself to eat, after a half gallon of vodka. Plus exercising for four hours earlier in the day was really keeping those pounds at bay.

It’s shameful. Once, I was job searching, but getting nowhere. So, I still had free time for these types of workouts, which amount to the time spent at a part time job, basically. I remember a then friend asking what I did all day, while he was working. I still felt fat, even thought I wasn’t, but I also wasn’t skinny. So, I joked that I masturbated a lot, because that’s my dirty sense of humor. I knew it would make him uncomfortable and stop questioning me. It worked.

I feel like this will never stop. I know this, I love clothes, though, so you’ve seen me at many weights, if you’ve viewed my Style File (OOTD) blogs in the past, even if those weights are only slightly different.

I also grew up with an amazing mom, but who has her own body image issues. She still has them, in her 70s. So, yeah. That didn’t/doesn’t help.

I’ve written so much, but I’m at a loss for a good wrap up, because my life is not over, so neither is my struggle.

For more on the NEDA, who has a lot of info on their site about EDs, click here.

Related:
NEDA Week: Types of Eating Disorders & Disordered Eating
NEDA Week: Personal Stories of Exercise Bulimia
NEDA Week: On Marilyn Vos Savant or why the word’s smartest woman isn’t that smart
NEDA Playlists
Fuck, Fuck, Fuck the Inbetweeners
Recipe: Mary’s 5 Bean Vegan Chili-delicious and from my Vegan period

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Vintage 83

Jun
2015
01

posted by on Conventions, DCP, Life

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Maleficent-good movie, great headwear

Maleficent-good movie, great headwear

Most years I write about what I’m planning to do for my birthday, what I have already done for my birthday, or why I’m (yet again) lamenting my birthday.

Now, for something completely different. My birthday just passed. It was a nice day/weekend. However, what I’m contemplating at this time are the attempts and accomplishments that have taken place since my last birthday.

Impending Graduation
I am currently starting my last semester of school. In the fall, I will finally earn my Associate’s Degree. It took one extra semester. It’s been more work than I expected. There have been doubts, but I will do this. Eventually (hopefully sooner, rather than later), I will then start on my Bachelor’s.

Life as a Disney Cast Member
The reason that I am one semester behind my peers is that I took a leave of absence last fall to participate in the Disney College Program. It was the most difficult, but also one of the most amazing times of my life. It wasn’t easy. There was a lot of hard work and restrictions. The benefits, experiences, and friendships definitely made it well worth it. WDW is now considered one of my past homes to me. I don’t know if you ever truly leave Disney behind, after working there. I’m always itching and contemplating going back in some capacity. Only time will tell.

Love
My love life has changed in leaps and bounds since this time last year. It’s basically unrecognizable. I’m happy.

Food/Exercise
I was on a huge fitness kick at this time last year. However, I love food. I’m not fond of structured exercise on the daily. I will most likely always struggle with my disordered eating, because I am human. Note: This is more difficult when you are not walking 10-12 miles on the daily, while working at the most magical place on Earth.

Comfort Zone
I can now walk out of my comfort zone. I still suffer from social anxiety/generalized anxiety and am on the spectrum. Yet, I work to overcome/work with these issues daily. Disney definitely helped with this. So, yes I’m still incredibly uncomfortable, but no I’m not going to always just fall back, stand down, or hide. I’m going to strive.

Embracing MY Interests
I am currently embracing both my nerdiness and inner princess to their full extents. It’s not that I’m not worried about others, but I matter more. I definitely regret more of the things that I haven’t done in life, than those that I have. I play Dungeons and Dragons and wear my Minnie ears, deal with it.

Body Realization
My body can handle a lot, but it doesn’t mean that I should push it so hard. I worked and played hard in Orlando and to a different extent in PA, but this isn’t something I need to be doing on the daily. I ended up in the ICU with severe dehydration in April. I do not recommend that. I’m just happy that it happened here, while I was with family.

Cosplay
I, finally (after 9 years of attending cons!), cosplayed both last year and this year, at Philly Wizard World. It takes balls, but I did it.

And now to make the next year even better.

You may also enjoy:
DCP: Disney College Program Merchandise Role
Unboxing: Loot Crate April 2015 Fantasy

past birthdays
Happy Fucking Birthday!
Fashion Review: Shiny Red Freakum Dress
missemmamm Sings Karaoke in Her/Your Living Room
Style File: 2011 Bday All Pink Everything
Style File: SATC 2 on My Bday
Style File: Mellie
Style File: The Red Badger

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posted by on DCP, Life

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beer pack

So basically New Year’s Eve always sucks. However, eventually, after this video, I called people who actually care about me. Sometimes you gotta hit up your town back home to find those who care. I mean, as much as I want to make friends here, it’s not like I’m going to know them forever anyway, so I guess it’s not that big of a deal.

You may also enjoy:
DCP: Disney College Program Merchandise Role
DCP: What is the Disney College Program?
Style File: New Year’s Eve 2011-2012
Sparkly New Year’s Eve Makeup Tutorials

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