Posts Tagged ‘social anxiety’

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Patty Duke in Valley of the Dolls

Patty Duke in Valley of the Dolls

If possible, on almost any given holiday, I would like to be tranquilized, Valley of the Dolls/Marilyn Monroe style. Shoot something into me that knocks me out until the day is over. If it’s a holiday in which the festivities last for DAYS, I’d prefer whatever shot does that. Or whatever they took in Romeo & Juliet, I guess.

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Life Love and the Movies

While reading through the LAMB‘s retweets I came across many bloggers participating in a super awesome blogathon. The Life, Love and the Movies blogathon is fantastic. It reminds me of those surveys we used to do on Myspace that you now see pop up on tumblr or occasionally Facebook, except it’s all about movies and how they have related to your life and your love life, specifically. Get ready to learn a lot about me.

Life

1. What was the first movie you saw in the cinema and what do you remember about that visit?

Bob Hoskins in Who Framed Roger Rabbit

I saw Who Framed Roger Rabbit when I was 5. My older brother took me because my little sister (who was 2) had to be taken to see a doctor. We don’t remember what she was sick for or anything though. I was very excited to see a movie in the theater. I still love the film BTW.

2. Are there any movies you have very strong memories of which are not because of the movie (for example something which happened at the time you were watching it)?

simpsons movie

I usually give a movie my full attention. I have two memories from the theater that come to mind but they are due to the movies themselves. I saw W. with my sister when it came out. She wasn’t going to be in town for very long so when we realized that the movie was wasting our time together (we were so bored) we walked out. That’s the only movie I’ve ever walked out of. I also remember seeing that Heath Ledger fantasy film, The Brothers Grimm. It wasn’t very good but the reason that it comes to mind is that the theater was having a glitch and the film stopped about three times. We were not amused.

I also remember a few movies that were so exciting because they were like events. Titanic was exciting as a horny 14 year old girl. It was also the first movie that I saw that had an intermission. When the Star Wars films were re-released (and later the first prequel) we went to see them during a midnight screening. Waiting in line with all of the huge Star Wars fans (as I’d become once I saw them) was exciting and the original was my first midnight screening. As an adult my most anticipated movie that my sister and I went to see at midnight was The Simpsons Movie. It was awesome to be there with all of the other Simpsons fans in their tees. There was a problem with our theater’s projector though so we had to move after getting there early and picking out prime seats. It still rocked though.

3. Which movies had a big impact on you and changed a (small) part of your view on life?

marla fight club

“slide”

One of my dad’s favorite movies is The Rocky Horror Picture Show. He was a big fan of watching it on Halloween when I was a kid. I think that helped with realizing that there were people out there who didn’t conform to social norms. As a little kid I didn’t get that it was so sexual.

Trainspotting, A Clockwork Orange and Fight Club are some movies I saw as a teenager that changed my outlook on life. They showed me that some people live outside of what society expects of us. Even though I can be materialistic I like the idea of materialism not making you happy as they mention in Trainspotting and Fight Club. A Clockwork Orange also appeals to that side of me that believes that people never fully change. Plus as an atheist I think it’s hilarious when he reads the bible for the violence.

4. Do you have any comfort movies which you return to because you are in a specific mood (for example if you are feeling down/nursing a heartbreak)?

showgirls

Showgirls is my favorite movie. If I’m in a depression it helps a little.

5. If a movie would be made about your life, what type of movie would it be and who would you like to portray you?

amanda seyfried

It would be awesome if it were a sex comedy. Since it would be about me though it would have to have my issues (not just my sometimes awesome sex life) in it. So maybe Amanda Seyfried. She’s a great actress with blonde hair (I’m not natural but I always go back to it) who has had IRL issues with anxiety and panic attacks. Plus she’s not naturally that thin so she could easily gain a little weight to look more like me. Acting wise I adore Nicole Kidman. I guess she could also do it since she can do anything.

6. Which existing movie best represents you?

the net

As someone who figured out that they have PDD-NOS (basically asperger’s, autism spectrum disorder) and was bullied a lot in school I totally relate to that part of Ben X, which sucks. I’m not a gamer though. As an adult in that regard it would be Adam, even though I am not a fan of Rose Byrne.

I don’t think any movie really represents me though. Maybe The Net? I know most don’t care for it, but I totally do. Ways Angela Bennett (Sandra Bullock) is like me: she works from home on a computer, orders pizza online, saves up money for vacations in which she dresses provocatively, drinks and sleeps with a stranger. She’s very alienated so it’s possible she suffers from a bit of social anxiety, especially since she is pretty paranoid even before everything happens. So yeah, that one.

7. If you knew you would die tomorrow, what would be the last movie you would want to see?

Showgirls

8. If you can spend your life working in the film industry, what would you be and why? (you know, director, producer, actor, cinematographer, costume designer, sound designer etc?)

I wanted to be an actor when I was young. I love clothes but I don’t think I could deal with the actors’ demands and weight concerns. I’d want to write/direct these days.

Love

1. Did you ever have a first kiss with someone while at the cinema and if so which movie was playing?

No. I’ve given hjs to a bf at the movies though.

2. What is your favorite movie relationship and why?

in her shoes

When Harry Met Sally is definitely up there. It actually sucks that they wasted years just hanging out when they could have been dating when you think about it but I end up going back to it often. A completely different example of onscreen love that I adore is Secretary. BDSM and fear of commitment! If you mean a movie in general, not just a romance, a great family dynamic is played out between the sisters in In Her Shoes. If I watch that I have to be prepared to cry and call my sister.

3. When did your love for movies start and how has it grown?

I’ve been watching movies since childhood as a result of my father being really into movies. I didn’t really think about the reality or impact of movies until I was in junior high. I think that’s when I started truly appreciating and studying them. Although when we were kids we still did really like watching movies. The local video store had a one day rental on new releases so if we loved something we had to re watch it the next morning before it went back.

4. If you have to choose one film to watch with your loved one, what would it be and why?

maximus tangled

This depends on the day and what’s happening. Tangled is awesome and family friendly though.

5. If you can choose one character from a movie to be your significant other who would it be and why?

indy apple

Either Indiana Jones or Christian from Moulin Rouge. Christian from Moulin Rouge as played by Ewan McGregor (sighs) is super sweet and I think he’d always be there for you. However Indiana Jones is fuckin’ Indiana Jones, I mean he reads, he travels and he’s played by Harrison Ford at his sexiest! Sure, he’s emotionally unavailable but I bet he’s great in the sack!

6. What was the first movie that made you fall in in love with film and cinema?

beetlejuice

I can’t really pinpoint this. The Wizard of Oz has always loomed large though. I also remember being really excited when I got to see Beetlejuice when I was 6, not just because it looked awesome but because it was rated PG!

7. How did your passion for movies turn you into a movie blogger?

I’ve been writing since I picked up a pencil (age 4). I used to write fiction but as I grew older I started writing outside of that. When I was a teen I had a psych class that forced us to keep a journal. I was at a point when I didn’t have that much going on so I would often write a short review of a movie I’d seen over the weekend on Mondays.

8. What is your favorite date from a movie?

before sunrise

This is a tough one. I’m going to go with Before Sunrise though. It’s great how they seize the moment and feel that immediate connection.

Click here to answer these questions for yourselves fellow movie lovers!

You may also enjoy:
Regarding the movies:
Hit Me With Your Best Shot: Showgirls
Hit Me With Your Best Shot: Moulin Rouge
6 Films Starring Nicole Kidman
Movie Quotes: Disney’s Tangled
Top 1990s Movies about Twentysomethings on Netflix Streaming-includes Before Sunrise (which is no longer available but you can still read my thoughts on it)
Top Oscar Winning Movies on Netflix Streaming-includes Beetlejuice (also no longer available but ditto what I wrote above)
Top Romantic Comedies on Netflix Streaming-includes When Harry Met Sally (again, no longer available, see above)
Shirtless Beefcakes of the 90s-includes Ewan McGregor and Harrison Ford
When They Were Young-includes Harrison Ford
Super Links Plus: 2/09/12-includes Amanda Seyfriend looking gorgeous

Regarding me:
Mary’s Somewhat Excellent 2010
Style File: Video Store Interview
My Father: TV Star aka “It’s okay to stay”
Style File: The Red Badger
Style File: 2011 Bday All Pink Everything
Snakes…in the mall

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I am currently attending a trade school to earn an Associate’s Degree. After many years of applying to and backing out of traditional colleges (social anxiety, stinks) I’m doin it, and doin it and doin it well (Thanks L.L. Cool J.).

photo by Lidyanne Aquino (lethaargic)

photo by Lidyanne Aquino (lethaargic)

Something has been irking me. It’s not a huge thing. However thus far for my handful of classes I’ve only had two instructors. Both have, at times, referred to our attendance as being that of attending college. Ex. “So while you’re in college”. REALLY? REALLY? This is not college, ladies. It’s not even close to college. (To be fair I do believe that they attended actual colleges and make frequent mention of their children who do the same. I do not think this is done in a condescending way.)

It’s learning, it’s an approved learning institute. I appreciate it. It works. It seems much better for someone such as myself than a traditional college (including a community college). It also seems like a great place to start out if you need to earn a longer degree and can transfer your credits later.

THIS IS NOT COLLEGE THOUGH. College is (often) an option of the following: dorms, groups (not just Greek but various clubs), activities to bring the students closer together and well so many other things that I can’t quite recall at this moment.

College is also (often) a huge sprawling (possibly, especially for me, difficult to navigate campus). An abundance of young people who are up for anything (which is awesome, I get that) but who also have no idea how to do many things and will spend an inordinate amount of time on “worries” like laundry and not knowing how to feed themselves properly. As my older sister so in-eloquently put it years back, “If you wait another year to go to college you will be a non traditional student”, like she was.

Wow, that scared the fuck out of me. I could have stuck out like a sore thumb or overly compensated by partying and not getting my work done.

PLUSES: My school (the buildings) are relatively small. I now know where to find most things. There aren’t too many students milling about, most of the time. I am in small classes and am able to get one on one time with teachers without difficulty. I am learning information that is very useful for my major (if I can call it that, since this is not college).

So yeah, it’s trade school, or tech school or business school, or what have you. This is not college. And that’s okay.

You may also enjoy:
Life Imitates Art: Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer
An Open Letter To Darden aka Quitting my First “Pretty Person Job”
No Longer a Mallrat
That Woman Behind You Is Better Than You, No Not That One, Look Harder
How Not to Shop in April or Avoiding Eugenics Funding
NEDA Week: On Marilyn Vos Savant or why the word’s smartest woman isn’t that smart

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me og

Moi, excited to start work at the OG for my first day of orientation. BTW-you can wear slightly more revealing tees as a hostess, which I did.

In late August/early September when I first applied to our local Olive Garden (in operation for less than a year, we are far behind the times in this small town), I wanted to be a server. I had two interviews with nice bosses. The second ended in a “We’ll call you”. According to my online research this is usually a nice brush off from this company.

So I kept up the job search even though I had my heart set on OG. I’m a fan of the food and atmosphere. Plus I was keen on a job involving tips. Not long after that, I had a quick, easy interview/job offer at a fast food place not to far from where I live. That part was ideal even though I’m not huge on working in a fast food environment. I only lasted shortly at a McDonald’s years back.

Or course, while I was waiting for the fast food restaurant to order my uniform I actually received a call from the OG welcoming me to “the family”. I want to say this was about 10 days after the initial interview. I was a bit torn but went with Olive Garden, my dream at the moment (not all of my dreams are big).

My initial worries as a server stem from my health issues, I’m not great with maps (the seating outline) and am incredibly clumsy. However while training I never dropped anything and felt that I was making real headway on learning the table numbers.

Unfortunately there is a 16 page test administered to servers pre-hire. You get about a week to study. This was not enough time for me to memorize most of the menu (which is what’s on it). I did study, hard, I even took online quizzes, however my memory is not the best. As I filled out the test I felt like I knew about half of it, if that. my trainer sadly told me that I’d have to take it again. I asked if I could just be a hostess or busser. I’m not lazy, mind you, but that stuff wasn’t sticking and I was starting school concurrently, which to me, is more important than remembering the entire contents of each dish. I was told to contact another manager later.

When I talked to the manager that hired me she was very nice, even offering to proctor a verbal test, I knew that with my autism (PDD-NOS, Aspergers, high functioning, ASD, whatever you prefer), that would actually turn out worse. She offered me a hostess position with the possibility of trying as a server again in the future.

My hostess trainer was very informative. She was obviously the type of person who gets everything done. I admire that. That is the type of worker that I am. I am not lazy and I never have been. (That’s a fallacy due to my issues with people). I was most worried about interacting with customers but that went quite well for the most part. I could turn on an easy smile and a script, occasionally a compliment and put them at ease.

marnie 2

Marnie on HBO’s Girls in her hostess uniform. Her job is constantly referred to as a “pretty person job”.

It would seem that all was going well. However not too far into my hostess training I met B (let’s just use her first initial). She was overly bossy and domineering. I had a severe panic attack knowing that I would just be working with her the next morning. I had to go see a doctor and get an excuse for this.

After this I psyched myself up. I got into it. Many of the other hostesses, servers, cooks, etc. are very easy to be around or at least cooperative. There is a difference between trying to get a job done well and barking orders at others. I did not get that impression from the rest of the staff.

king

Would you want to work with a Regina from Mean Girls type daily? Yeah, didn’t think so.

In high school (far prior to my diagnosis) I was bullied by girls much like my new, petite 19 year old greeter who caused my quick downfall.

I was on lunch yesterday which turned into dinner, which is fine, more money is great, but what wasn’t fine was my two hour extended panic attack that I tried to hide (yay, I didn’t cry until after I clocked out and left the restaurant for the night). This was due to B coming in and overwhelming me with unnecessary barkingly loud orders. When someone yells at me I go fight or flight (mainly flight).

Looking at the schedule I saw that I’d be working with B again, tonight and tomorrow morning. Suffice to say I was scared shitless. That’s how anxiety works. Everything’s amplified. Between remembering how she barked orders both directly to me and overly loudly over our headsets last night I was very worried about two full shifts with her.

I had to try. I’m tired of letting others step all over me. I went in. Nothing had changed. Yesterday wasn’t just a bad day for her. I asked a couple of coworkers, she’s always like that. At one point she physically pushed past me, needlessly, keep in mind that she’s a size 0/2, she could have easily gotten around me. This is how bullies act. It’s not size, it’s character. I was only there about a half hour, as in that time she actually had me so on edge that I made a stupid mistake (not a biggie) because I couldn’t concentrate. I was berated for that and other mistakes that I didn’t make but had to deal with while seating guests. At one point she did that chilly preppy, Mean Girl stare right into my face and put me down. I apologized. Then I backtracked because this is ridiculous. I muttered “fuck this” to her and went in the beverage area to put away my walkie talkie. At over ten years out of high school I’m no longer letting a preppy teen girl put me down constantly.

I walked out. I knew I’d be fired and I understand the reasoning for that. Nonetheless I needed to call my boss and explain what had happened. He was very nice about it (he’s in customer service, after all). He mentioned strong personalities and different personalities. He also understood how it might bother me because of my past. SO IS IT OKAY FOR AN EMPLOYEE TO BULLY OTHER EMPLOYEES WHO DON’T HAVE MY PAST? I tend to disagree. At one point he let slip that he had mentioned something to B about this type of behavior before. “She’s very serious about her work”. Yeah, lots of people are but they don’t treat ya like scum. Then he said that if he said something to her he’d have to say something to others if something similar happened. Umm, yeah that’s why companies have HR, they even had that in the last retail environment that I worked in (not that I needed it, but it was there). He stated that the restaurant business was rough. I got the feeling that he was trying to say that I wasn’t cut out for it.

Physically, probably not. The other hostesses were mostly bleached blonde, short, thin and very young (about 18-20). I’m taller (though not tall at 5’4″) and curvy. The only thing I had in common was the long blonde hair (though mine is curly). I did try to acclimate though. The official rule book states that long hair should be tied back even for hostesses but these girls had to show off their blowouts. So eventually I started putting a lot of product in my hair to let the curls flow. Plus I started wearing makeup daily to work (I don’t normally do that). I also only wore my contacts as glasses must be pretty unpopular, only one hostess wore them.

But mentally I was doing well aside from her. I loved interacting with the guests. Helping parents seat their children and seeing them get excited over their special menu and crayons (I’m studying childcare, btw). Many people are out to have a good time and are in a good mood. Even if they weren’t though I was very gracious and helpful. I take everything seriously. However I’m not…a bitch. Would you go to high school again for $7.35 an hour? Yeah, I just couldn’t. It broke me the first time.

I feel that the what I took away from this is that Darden condones and in fact nurtures bullying employees. Sad, especially in 2013.

P.S. When referring to Darden I should point out that Darden Restaurants owns Olive Garden, Red Lobster and many other well known restaurants.

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posted by on Library, Music

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Photo by Frederick M. Brown/Getty Images

http://youtu.be/qTPdoLz3YDI

Werewolf by fionaapple

Fiona Apple Tells V That She Reached A Point Where She ‘Could Let Myself Die, That Slow Suicide’ via MTV Newsroom (06/26/12)
I think I did a really smart thing a few months ago. I’m one of those people, one of the many, that has a drink before every show. I just don’t know any different. And I really needed to learn how to not do that. … I thought that having a drink was what took the edge off or made me feel more confident, less self-conscious or whatever. But it turns out to be the other way around. And now I don’t immediately react to myself or judge things that are going on. It doesn’t even occur to me anymore. I think I’ve grown up in that way. I became less inhibited. I don’t care as much about being judged.

About her label Epic hounding her for new material over the last 7 years:

No, they don’t care, because they don’t look at me as someone who’s gonna make a lot of money. So they just forget about me.

Fiona Apple: The Billboard Cover Story (June 18, 2012)-
“Apple rarely leaves her house. The 34-year-old singer/songwriter has turned into a serious homebody since moving to Los Angeles in 2001-housework, as we’ll discuss, is one reason she hasn’t made a record in seven years-and her stay-at-home tendencies have only intensified in recent years.”

“Apple wants to “wait until she’s in the other world to move.” She worries about isolating herself too much, but she also knows that it works for her.”

“It’s the same when I’m on tour, actually,” Apple says. “During the day, I never go out and do anything fun. I stay in the hotel room and I just stay really quiet so then I’m in the mood for being in front of a lot of people a little bit more.”

“Fortunately, though, I also tend to go away during the songs.”

“Seven years wasn’t intentional. It’s just because I’ll finish something and then two years will go by where I don’t touch the piano. I might think of a song and then be like, “I don’t care if I forget it. I don’t want to do that shit. I’m not writing a song.”

“There are many different things I get obsessed with and go around and take pictures of. I’m pretty good, I think, and I enjoy it. And while I’m doing that I’ll also be studying and reading about whatever I’m taking pictures of. I make up courses for myself to take.”

“I like writing words, but music is annoying as hell because there’s always a point in time when I want to kill a song. I know that it’s a good song and stick with it, because if I’ve made any effort on something, then it’s worth it. I don’t have a bunch of songs lying around that I don’t use.”

A New Album And Life For Fiona Apple from Elle (June 7, 2012)-
Apple, who lives in California, has been holed up in her­ ­hotel room for a week with the flu. She came down with it at the end of a seven-stop mini tour of ­intimate ­venues that met with rave reviews and lit up the Internet. She says her New York City support ­system has taken good care of her, especially her ex-boyfriend, the magician David Blaine, who plied her with lots of healthy soups and ­juices.

“I’m getting calls from people who I called when I had a fever and was talking in accents,” she says, rolling her eyes at herself. “I’m not the type of person who drunk-dials. I must’ve been crazy.”

The new album marks a striking depar­ture from the large-ensemble, often orches­tral arrangements that domi­nated Apple’s previous albums. She and Drayton agreed to stay unplugged for as long as they could in the recording process. The resulting stark piano ballads with intricate melodies, changing time signatures, and a bluesy or jazzy, even Tom Waits–like feel make an elegant backdrop for Apple’s passionate and committed vocals, which range from cabaret-style formality to what almost sounds like the artist talking to herself. Dodging artfully around each tune are Drayton’s fluttery drumming, nimble-fingered ­percussion work, and plenty of found sounds of ­mostly indeterminate origin (one rhythm track is a recording of the two dancing on a truck).

“Fiona’s growing and taking bigger chances, an experience she needed to go through,” says Drayton. “I believe she’s not really aware of the size of her musical gift, which often makes me wonder where she finds her ­inspiration. Amongst all there is out there these days, we’re not challenged all that much. Fiona does not compromise how she feels, and why should she?”

There are far fewer portions of ­Angry Young Woman and finger-pointing at ­Apple’s past lovers…on this album than in her earlier work; more songs are about her looking inward and figuring out what makes her tick. “It used to be that everyone else was wrong and I was right,” she says. “Maybe that’s growing up or something, because I absolutely don’t think everyone was so bad to me as I used to think.”

In the loping piano ballad “Left Alone,” she insistently interrogates herself, “How can I ask anyone to love me when all I do is beg to be left alone?”

But it seems that she has learned to appreciate her idiosyncrasies, though she says she’s still on medication to make her day-to-day life run more smoothly.

“I had really bad obsessive-compulsive disorder,” Apple recalls. “At its worst, I was compelled to leave my house at three o’clock in the morning and go out in the alley because I just knew that the ­paper-towel roll I threw in the recycling bin was uncomfortable, like it was lying the wrong way, and I would be down in the garbage.” She grew increasingly frustrated at wasting valuable time when she could be writing songs, and after the last time she rifled through the trash she wrote a reminder to herself on her vintage 1930s chalkboard: “Don’t waste your crazy!”

Lately, Apple prefers to spend her days alone at home in Venice Beach, mainly staying indoors, opting to walk her dog, Janet, either before sunrise or after sunset. “I have no social life or anything like that,” she says. “I used to be ­really ashamed of it, but now I can just freely say that I don’t ever go anywhere or have people over.”

The one exception is Apple’s visits to ­Largo, the L.A. nightclub where she spends time with musicians she’s known for years, though even those excur­sions can bring on social anxiety. “I still get psychosomatically ill going to Largo, to see my friends, getting in the car,” she says, “and my brother will take so fucking long—because my brother has to drive me everywhere—and I’ll start freaking out, and it won’t stop until I’m ­actually there.”

Apple, who’s thinking about moving back to New York City, says she’s newly single and content with it; she doesn’t see herself ever marrying or ­having children.

Fiona Apple’s Return: Idle No More from Spin (May 31 2012)-

She’s told me she lives in Los Angeles, but she doesn’t leave the house. Apple is 34 years old and doesn’t have a driver’s license. “I’m noticing now that I’m not feeling shame saying this,” she says. “Whereas before I probably would’ve, like, lied a little bit about it and been like, ‘Yeah, you know, I see friends sometimes.’ But I really don’t.”

(She does, however, seem comfortable enough around civilians, judging from a scene I witness right before the two of us sit down: Apple rushing up to a deeply perplexed man in a suit and enthusiastically introducing herself, mistaking him for me.)

And now she’s telling me about her first psychiatrist, back when she was a kid…And Apple was furious, even then, about the things other people would write about her, because it was as if the doctors “didn’t even see me — like, they got my hair color wrong even.”

…it’s 2012, and Fiona Apple now has been doing this, trying to explain herself to strangers, for nearly 17 years. She’s been a public figure for half her natural life. And she is still impossibly bad at it.

We talk for a little while about this, the idea that a person in her position might choose to hold back as many details of her personal life as she could. That she spent the first five years of her career speaking her mind in public and being criticized for it. That many people who have sold far fewer records than she has might have figured out ways to be savvy and self-protecting around people who don’t necessarily have their best interests at heart.

“How would I be more savvy right now?” she asks. She’s genuinely perplexed.

…What do you do, except answer the questions honestly? What’s the point if you’re not going to? What’s the point of any of this?”

All the things that would be embarrassing or something, I’m fine with it. I have no shame about any of that stuff. And it delights me to look at that, to be like, ‘Look, you thought that was the end of the world.” And it’s not, it wasn’t, it really wasn’t, so much so that I have not a bit of cringe in me about these things.”

“I sometimes think that I must time-travel and I don’t remember it,” …I can’t remember writing any of the songs that I’ve written. I don’t know what the hell I do with myself…I can’t tell you what I did today. I can’t tell you what I did for seven years. I can’t tell you. It happens so seamlessly — I’m just floating along and seven years go by.”

According to Apple, the concept behind the title The Idler Wheel is wiser than the Driver of the Screw and Whipping Cords will serve you more than Ropes will ever do is hard to explain but has to do with the idea of “being still in the middle of everything else but being able to feel everything.” The idler wheel is the gear that does no work, drives no shafts. “It doesn’t look like it’s doing anything, but I feel like it’s connected to everything,” she says. It’s about how she feels inside the machine of her own life and career. It’s about how she marks time.

She read about whipping cords, which are used to bind and repair frayed ropes, in “this book about boating that was at my last boyfriend’s house.” The idea is less about avoiding mistakes than learning how to cope with them. “You’re gonna get punched and blown around,” she says. She looks over my shoulder into the empty restaurant, tries to figure out how to express what she wants to express. “What’s valuable is to know how to make something out of that.”

She says she hated working on Tidal. She spent those sessions doing crosswords under the piano in the Sony building in Manhattan. “I felt ridiculous being in a studio with real musicians, and I felt like everybody hated me. Everybody did hate me.”

The ‘Extraordinary’ Truth from Entertainment Weekly (09/30/05)-
“She took walks, she read plays, and she watched movies. But mostly Apple just sat in silence out on her lawn. ”You can call it a very long-drawn-out day-to-day meditation,” she says. ”I went through a period where I had a razor blade and was carving things out of wood. I would just do that all day, sitting there and thinking.”

Girl Trouble from Spin (November 1997)- (I transcribed it, it’s a photocopy)
Suddenly she walks up and says “Are people ever mean to you?”

She later tells me that she likes to act all freaky and possessed around reporters so they won’t ask the same dumb questions, like “How does such a big voice come out of such a tiny girl?” and “I heard you were raped, what was that like?”

Fiona Apple is a rock star, and before she has fully become a person, she has become a persona. It’s taking her time to decide which part of her is the image, and which is real.

…Apple started psychotherapy when she was 12…

…she wrote the lyrics for Never Is a Promise when she was 15…

(on Criminal) “I decided if I was going to be exploited, then I would do the exploiting myself.”

(was dating magician David Blaine)-“David and I are both completely fucked-up”…”We’re the most fucked-up people I know.”

“…it’s not about a ‘a place you go.” Making music, I mean. It’s about a place you get out of. I’m underwater most of the time, and music is like a tube to the surface that I can breathe through. It’s my air hole up to the world. If I didn’t have the music I’d be under water, dead.”

Fiona Apple was raised Fiona Maggart-Apple is from her grandmother, her dad’s mom.

When she was a little girl at St. Hilda’s School, she went through a phase where her sister Amber was teh Queen and she was the Dog, and lots of her classmates were mean to her. She calls this period Dog Time.

Once, at Amanda Wheaton’s tenth birthday party, some guys made ten-dollar bets with one another to ask her to dance, so they could reject her when she said yes…She got mad and poured a bucket of cold water on them.

(her mother)-“There’s Fiona, my candle-burning vampire child, who stays up all night long and gets phone message from Marilyn Manson, every mother’s dream”

Then suddenly she’s talking about when she was raped… (the day before Thanksgiving, 1989, 12 years old)
…I started kind of hallucinating…
Afterwards…(she) “took this self-defense course, 25 hours of it, five hours a day for five days”

“I know I’m going to die young…I’m going to cut another album and I’m going to do good things, help people, and then I’m going to die.”

I remember her saying that the guy who raped her was much weaker than she was. “How much strength does it take to hurt a little girl?” she asked. “How much strength does it take for the girl to get over it? Which one of them do you think is stronger?” She is strong enough to admit she’s a mess…”It’s impossible for me to be happy; psychologically and chemically impossible, so I’m going to help some little girl out there. I’m going to let her know that I have stretch marks on my ass, and bunions, that I don’t have my shit together. I want to give that girl some hope. I want her to know that she doesn’t have to have her shit together. She doesn’t. It’s okay if she doesn’t. I’m going to prove that, and then I’m going to die.”

You may also enjoy: (on missemmamm.com)
Fiona Apple Discography Playlist-which includes 15 of my favorite Apple tracks. Hot Knife and Periphery from her new album are included as I particularly dig them.

(elsewhere)
Official Fiona Apple Site
Official Fiona Apple Facebook
Fiona Apple on Soundcloud
Fiona Apple on Ticketmaster-yes, she’s touring!
a ton of photos of Fiona Apple on Brooklyn Vegan
Fiona Apple tags on my tumblr

NOTE: Normally for a Super Links post I would include much shorter parts of the interviews. I find this impossible to do with Fiona Apple. Her music has deeply touched my life for the past 7 years and I feel a real kinship with her. Though I’ve never been raped, I have serious issues with people like she does. So I just couldn’t go bare bones with this.

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