Posts Tagged ‘Thomas Lennon’

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(as per usual spoilers abound)



A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas is the third in the hilarious trilogy about two stoners who end up unintentionally going on wild drug filled adventures. This time it’s set during Christmas which means that those classic Christmas features can be incorporated, such as Santa, musicals, claymation and small, servile robots (oh wait, maybe those are just 80s related). Or as I gushed to the director Todd Strauss-Schulson who retweeted me on twitter.

(after jumping on Santa’s lap in a mall)
Kumar: “Santa!”
Mall Santa: “Kumar, No”
Mom in Line: “C’mon, is this a joke?”
Kumar: “Hold the fuck on Reba, your son can rub his ass on Santa’s cock in a minute”
Mall Santa: “What do you want for Christmas young man?”
Kumar: “That’s a really good question. I want a Snoopy Sno-Cone Machine
Mall Santa: “Done”
Kumar: “and a DeLorean”
Mall Santa: “Yes”
Kumar: “I want the Wu-Tang Clan to get back together”
Mall Santa: “I’ll tell the elves”
Kumar: “and by the way this is just for my stockings okay, for my real present…”

Adrian: “…to a party she’s throwing in Manhattan, best part of all you’re coming with me”
Kumar: “No can do man, I gotta stay here and smoke this week, otherwise I won’t get high…”

Todd: “All right, I’ll Skype you later, or text you, or both”

 

Maria: “Now c’mon on fuck a baby into me”

Vanessa: “I’m pregnant”
Kumar: “Pregnant? We, we practiced safe sex. I mean I pulled out and came on your back, maybe a couple of squeaks got by but is that all it takes?”
Vanessa: “Yes, that’s all it takes. No wonder you flunked outta med school”

Harold: “You look terrific, did you lose weight or?”
Kumar: “Oh, a gained quite a bit, actually…”

(inside of Harold’s house)
Kumar: “Hey, this place is like not shitty”
Harold: “Ah, thank you, the bay window’s brand new actually, we just put that in last week, the sconces are new, the sconces are actually brand new”
Kumar: “Yeah I was gonna say it looks like you guys got some awesome sconces” (cringes)
Harold: “Thank you, that’s very sweet of you”

Harold: “Maria’s dad grew that tree and now it is dead. Koreans killed his mother and now this tree. Christmas is ruined.”

Todd: “Freeze, this is a robbery, give me all your friendship…”

Adrian: “So you two own this tree lot?”
Lamar: “Yeah, what a couple of brothers can’t sell trees? Only swing from em like monkeys you honkey”
Adrian: “What? No, of course not, you can do both”

Adrian: “…pussy’s not like yogurt, it has an expiration date”
Kumar: “Yogurt has an expiration date”
Adrian: “Does it? Damnit, okay, that explains a lot…”

Todd: “You got my baby high!”

Ava: “I got the munchies”
Todd: “Great, now we’ve got to stop and get some disgusting food for her so she can come down from her trip, fantastic”

Adrian: “…also I told her you work for the White House”
Kumar: “Yeah, like anyone’s gonna believe that”

Todd: “…ah, Cocaine! Have you kids never seen VH1’s Behind the Music? Do you not know what cocaine can do to the mind of a person as young as you?”

Kumar: “Okay dude, do you feel kinda weird?”
Harold: “Yeah, I do actually. My face is feeling kinda numb.
Kumar: “Fuck, I bet these kids put something in here”
Harold: “Was it drugs? Was it semen?”
Kumar: (gargles drink) It doesn’t taste like semen.”

Mary: “Sorry, I don’t date black guys” (about Kumar)

Kumar: “Uh, excuse me, Miss, I’m not gonna let you rape my friend on Christmas Eve, all right, he’s married”

Adrian: “Your coke baby has super powers”

Harold: “Holy shit, dude, you’re claymated”

Rosenberg: “Okay don’t start with this, all right, just cuz your wife made you convert doesn’t mean you’re not a Jew. His name is Seth Goldstein for christ sake”
Goldstein: “First of all, don’t ever take the lord’s name in vain, secondly I was baptized bitch!”
Goldstein: “The second the priest poured that holy water over me all my Jewish neurosis and self hatred just washed right off.”
Kumar: “Sounds like you’re really enjoying your new religion”
Goldstein: “Dude, it’s the balls, these dirty Jew bastards have no idea what they’re missing, fishing, hunting, I can tie knots on a sail boat. I’ve made some terrible investments, doesn’t bother me a bit. And guess what? Next week I have an appointment to get uncircumcised. That’s right I’m gonna get my schnozzle”

Kumar: “…then I’ll head down to the nun’s shower room”
Harold: “I didn’t know the nuns all showered in the same room”
Kumar: “Of course they do, how do you think they stay so clean?”


Kumar: “…you and I will get the tree, we’ll take it back to your place and when Maria’s dad comes home and sees this beautiful tree sitting in your living room he’ll jizz all over it”

Kumar: “No, dude, I don’t understand. Look at you man, you’ve got a great job, you make good money, you don’t beat your wife, what more could a Latino father in law wish for?”

Neil Patrick Harris: “Oh, what did I tell you about using tongue?”
David Burtka: “You said you wanted it to look realistic”
Neil Patrick Harris: “Yeah realistic, not fucking gay as shit. You know the only reason I put up with this homo crap is for the P’Tang”

Neil Patrick Harris: “Fuck Savage, that rock is mine”

Gracie: “Oh my god, I thought you were gay”
Neil Patrick Harris: “I am gay, gay for that pussy”

Neil Patrick Harris: “Morty, Kumar, long time”



Kumar: “Time the fuck out Neal, how the fuck are you still alive?”
Harold: “Yeah, how the fuck are you still alive man?”
Neil Patrick Harris: “What you talkin’ bout?”
Harold: “We saw you get shot, remember?”
Neil Patrick Harris: “You have to be more specific”
Kumar: “in that whorehouse”
Harold: “in Texas”
Kumar: “you branded a prostitute”
Harold: “remember?”
Neil Patrick Harris: “oh yeah, now I remember…”

(on heaven)
Neil Patrick Harris: “…the chicks were hot, the music was sick, there were lasers, it was like being famous in the early 90s”

Jesus: “I’m sure you recognize me but I’m Jesus, so”
Neil Patrick Harris: “Jesus?”
Jesus: (points at crucifix necklace) “Jesus Christ, that’s me, I’m Jesus Christ”

(or the version that was cut but used for commercials/trailers)
Jesus: “Neil Patrick Harris. Welcome to heaven, I’m Jesus”
Neil Patrick Harris: Jesus?”
Jesus: “Christ, I practically run this place”
Neil Patrick Harris: “Oh, for reals?”
Jesus: “I mean my dad owns it but I’m kinda number 1”
Neil Patrick Harris: “Oh, you’re one of those”

Neil Patrick Harris: “Okay, ladies I’m Neil Patrick Harris, I played Private Carl Jenkins in Starship Troopers”

Neil Patrick Harris: “Jesus, what a cockblock”

Kumar: “You’re not gay motherfucker!”
Harold: “at all”

Neil Patrick Harris: “…hey Merry Christmas guys, we’ll see you in the next one”

Todd: “No, no, no more cocaine”
Ava: (rubbing face) “I need it, I need it”

Kumar: “No, nobody’s dying Claus, not on my watch”

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(source for the gifs: V-H-S.tumblr.com)

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Elizabeth: “Get yourself hard cuz I’m gonna suck your dick like I’m mad at it…oh look your mom’s here…”

Elizabeth: “I don’t love you? I’ve been listening to you whine about opera for the last year”
Fiance: “Okay if the young generation doesn’t get into opera then guess what, no more opera, an art form has died. If opera goes away we’re fucked!”

Elizabeth: “I found him in bed with somebody else. It was another man.”
Amy: “Shut the front door”

Elizabeth: “I thought the teachers were supposed to get the apples.”
Amy: “Well I think the students teach me at least as much as I teach them. That’s just something I say sometimes”
Elizabeth: “Stupid”

Elizabeth: “You know I spent my entire summer hanging out at the bars near where the Bulls practice. I had some fun, got some cool souvenirs but those guys are not looking to settle down. I mean they all wear condoms, then they take the condoms with them, that’s how paranoid they are. Like it’s so easy to get pregnant from some dude nutting into a condom”

Elizabeth: “You have no idea how hard it is to compete against those Barbie doll types.”
Lynn: “Yeah, that’s true we’re not getting any younger…”

Russell: “So I heard about the whole engagement thing, that blows”
Elizabeth: “Did you know I walked in on him trying to fuck his dog, peanut butter everywhere”

Amy: “Did I hear you were showing a movie this morning on the first day of school?”
Elizabeth: “How do I know what you heard?”

Amy: “…actually I was really hoping we could be more than just across the hall mates”
Elizabeth: “I don’t now what you heard but I don’t eat muff pie”
Amy: “No, of course not, I don’t even know what that is, I just meant friends”

Elizabeth: (on the phone) “fucking troll!”
Kirk: “Did you call my name?”
Elizabeth: “No, I said fucking troll.”
Kirk: “Oh, I thought you said Kirk.”

Kirk: “Want to get wasted?” (sits bottle of alcohol down)
Elizabeth: “Uh, yeah”
Kirk: “Cool, see ya” (leaves)

Elizabeth: “…you know I’ve always said that dolphins are the humans of the sea”
Wally: “I have a bumper sticker that says that”

Elizabeth: “We should go get a drink tonight, I feel like getting drunk. I mean not drunk drunk, strong buzz, still able to drive”
Scott: “I’m sorry, I can’t yet, I’m just not ready but if you’re patient I think I might be worth your while”
Elizabeth: “You’re worth the wait”
Scott: “I think so too.”

Wally: “Lauren Richman’s dad called and he said we should have a car wash every weekend so instead of accusing her you might want to ask her for some pointers.”
Amy: “Well if these pointers include wearing provocative beachwear for money I think I’ll pass.”

Elizabeth: “She’s such a phony.”
Lynn: “Yeah, major phony (laughs) but you know she also cares a lot too.”

Lynn: (about Scott) “I love how his eyes sparkle when he smiles.”
Elizabeth: “I want to sit on his face.”

Amy: “…and it’s exactly what I told Elizabeth when she told me about this upcoming fake breast job”
Scott: “Oh”
Amy: “Sorry, sorry, I thought you were telling everyone”
Elizabeth: “Did you?”
Scott: “Well I’m pro-choice, I believe everyone should choose whatever makes them happiest except abortion of course.”

Elizabeth: “…and my fiance, he cheated on me with his sister…”

Sasha: “Is that marijuana?”
Elizabeth: “No, it’s medicinal marijuana. I have a prescription and everything and I’m not going to tell you what it’s for because it’s between me and my doctor”

Elizabeth: “Listen word to the wise, stop dressing like you’re running for congress”
Sasha: “I don’t want to run for congress, I want to be president.”
Elizabeth: “See that’s what I’m talking about, keep saying shit like that and you’re going to get punched.”

Russell: “Want to go get high?”
Elizabeth: “Yeah, give me a nug, I’ll go smoke it in my car”
Russell: “Wow, no, I meant do you want to go get high with me?”

Elizabeth: “Yeah, I don’t know her that well, I know all of the other teachers really hate her fucking guts but I stay above that stuff…”

Elizabeth: “Let’s get baked, (sees student) goods, we’re gonna get some baked goods”

Russell: “You understand this is like, what I do, ‘for a living’.”
Elizabeth: “You have no upper body strength”
Russell: “Yes I do just not in my arms or my chest, but I have cat like reflexes…”

Russell: “See those championship banners? When I first came to this school they weren’t there, they were over there, I had them moved over there.”

Russell: “Can I say something for the record?”
Elizabeth: “Fine”
Russell: “It’s about your, the, the big fake titties, are you really going to do that?”
Elizabeth: “Uh huh”
Russell: “Why would you do that? Your tits are fine, I like your tits, ask my roommate.”

Mr. Tiara: “The shelter? That’s something”
Elizabeth: “Yeah, I really like helping bums”

Elizabeth: “I’ll tell you what I know, a kid who wears the same gymnastics sweatshirt 3 days a week isn’t getting laid until he’s 29”
Garrett: “This sweatshirt was my dad’s, it’s all he left me, when he left me”
Elizabeth: “There’s a reason he didn’t pack it, just saying”

Kirk: “Aren’t you going out with the other nurses?”
Elizabeth: “I’m not a nurse.”
Kirk: “I thought you were a nurse”
Elizabeth: “I’m a teacher”

Lynn: “..a bunch of us are going out tonight to see Period 5 play, you want to come?”
Elizabeth: “Period 5?”
Lynn: “Yeah, the teacher band”
Elizabeth: (laughs) “Yeah, I’d rather get shot in the face”

Elizabeth: “C’mon Lynn, you need to loosen up a little, when was the last time you had a good dicking?”
Russell: “A good dicking?”

Elizabeth: (on guys) “…then you just choose, textbook”
Russell: “Yeah, from the world’s weirdest textbook”

Elizabeth: “…get your ass over to those cowboys”
Lynn: “Well I’m glad I wore my fun underwear”

Elizabeth: “Fuck! Is it me, I mean is there something wrong with me?”
Lynn: “I don’t think so, I mean sometimes you talk to people and”
Elizabeth: (cutting her off) “Thank you”

Amy: “Wally can’t you see she is manipulating you through the use of dolphins?”

Elizabeth: (on her students’ papers) “Pathetic, this is why the Japs are overtaking us (looking at Asian student) and I don’t mean you”

Elizabeth: “…I’ve been speaking to various, uh, black citizens who allege that you’re tests are biased towards white people and Orientals”
Carl: “Okay let me tell you something right away, A. Orientals just test better…”

Elizabeth: “You want to know what turns me on, sex in an office, getting fucked really hard against a wooden desk”
Carl: “Mine’s metal”
Elizabeth: “Even better”

Carl: “I am going to rock your vagina”

Elizabeth: (while seeing the answer key) “Hello titties”

Russell: (mock outrage) “C’mon guys there’s a wig missing!”

Scott: “It’s a pretty inspiring message to the kids, we should never stop working on ourselves, like you with your little boobs or me experimenting with ethnic foods.”

Scott: “…God, I just hate slavery so much”
Elizabeth: “Slavery’s the worst”
Scott: “If I could go back in time and undo slavery I would, I hate it.”

Scott: (while dry humping) “Your jeans feel so good against my jeans”
Elizabeth: “Totally”

Scott: “Oh, I’m dry humping the shit out of you”
Elizabeth: “Oh yeah, dry fuck the fuck out of me Scott”
Scott: “Just stop talking”

Elizabeth: “Maybe next time we can dry hump without our clothes on.”
Scott: “I’m pretty sure I’d like that.”

Garrett: “…the rapper? He’s an idiot”
Elizabeth: “Yeah, he’s a fuckin’ MOron”

Elizabeth: “7th grade is not your moment”
Garrett: “maybe 8th grade”
Elizabeth: “probably not, I’m thinkin’ college, that’s your moment, be ready”

Scott: “Everything okay with Garrett?”
Elizabeth: “No it’s not, I found him hooking up with an 8th grader from another school, she was jerking him off (mimes it), yeah, I’m gonna give him detention when we get back.”

Elizabeth: “Lots of people don’t wear bras”
Russell: “Definitely, lots of teachers.”

Russell: “I”m going through such a tough time, can I have your panties?”
Elizabeth: “I’m not wearing any”

Amy: “I can’t believe you’d let her take advantage of you like that. You are too trusting.”
Scott: “I am, I didn’t know what was happening.”

Amy: “Save it doll face. You can explain it all tomorrow to the principal and the superintendent when you’ve got your meeting with the principal and superintendent tomorrow at the meeting, tomorrow.”

Superintendent: “You seemed very certain a couple of days ago”
Carl: (clears throat) “I did, because, um, I am a casual drug user. That’s my thing and everybody knows it. So that explains me making absolutely no sense.”

Russell: “I’m going to write my number down just in case you need a lift after the surgery or an extra set of hands to make sure the implants are settling properly.”

Elizabeth: “So basically if I was going to go out with you I’d be making the conscious choice to be dating a gym teacher who lives in a shack with 4 dogs”
Russell: “I prefer to think of it as 2 people with amazing bodies sharing those bodies with each other, giving each other the gift of these bodies…”

Lynn: “Oh you didn’t get your, your, tits”
Elizabeth: “Yeah I thought about it and I didn’t even need ’em. Plus they’re really expensive, you know, per tit”
Lynn: “Yeah, and you’ve gotta get 2 of ’em”

CHECK IT OUT
Cameron Diaz’s June 2011 Interview with Maxim (includes her sexy car wash/teacher photo set)
Bad Teacher Vs. Bad Santa (movie reviews)
Bad Teacher Great Dresser (the looks that Cameron Diaz wore to promote the film)

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