Super Links Plus: Fiona Apple Edition

Photo by Frederick M. Brown/Getty Images

http://youtu.be/qTPdoLz3YDI

Werewolf by fionaapple

Fiona Apple Tells V That She Reached A Point Where She ‘Could Let Myself Die, That Slow Suicide’ via MTV Newsroom (06/26/12)
I think I did a really smart thing a few months ago. I’m one of those people, one of the many, that has a drink before every show. I just don’t know any different. And I really needed to learn how to not do that. … I thought that having a drink was what took the edge off or made me feel more confident, less self-conscious or whatever. But it turns out to be the other way around. And now I don’t immediately react to myself or judge things that are going on. It doesn’t even occur to me anymore. I think I’ve grown up in that way. I became less inhibited. I don’t care as much about being judged.

About her label Epic hounding her for new material over the last 7 years:

No, they don’t care, because they don’t look at me as someone who’s gonna make a lot of money. So they just forget about me.

Fiona Apple: The Billboard Cover Story (June 18, 2012)-
“Apple rarely leaves her house. The 34-year-old singer/songwriter has turned into a serious homebody since moving to Los Angeles in 2001-housework, as we’ll discuss, is one reason she hasn’t made a record in seven years-and her stay-at-home tendencies have only intensified in recent years.”

“Apple wants to “wait until she’s in the other world to move.” She worries about isolating herself too much, but she also knows that it works for her.”

“It’s the same when I’m on tour, actually,” Apple says. “During the day, I never go out and do anything fun. I stay in the hotel room and I just stay really quiet so then I’m in the mood for being in front of a lot of people a little bit more.”

“Fortunately, though, I also tend to go away during the songs.”

“Seven years wasn’t intentional. It’s just because I’ll finish something and then two years will go by where I don’t touch the piano. I might think of a song and then be like, “I don’t care if I forget it. I don’t want to do that shit. I’m not writing a song.”

“There are many different things I get obsessed with and go around and take pictures of. I’m pretty good, I think, and I enjoy it. And while I’m doing that I’ll also be studying and reading about whatever I’m taking pictures of. I make up courses for myself to take.”

“I like writing words, but music is annoying as hell because there’s always a point in time when I want to kill a song. I know that it’s a good song and stick with it, because if I’ve made any effort on something, then it’s worth it. I don’t have a bunch of songs lying around that I don’t use.”

A New Album And Life For Fiona Apple from Elle (June 7, 2012)-
Apple, who lives in California, has been holed up in her­ ­hotel room for a week with the flu. She came down with it at the end of a seven-stop mini tour of ­intimate ­venues that met with rave reviews and lit up the Internet. She says her New York City support ­system has taken good care of her, especially her ex-boyfriend, the magician David Blaine, who plied her with lots of healthy soups and ­juices.

“I’m getting calls from people who I called when I had a fever and was talking in accents,” she says, rolling her eyes at herself. “I’m not the type of person who drunk-dials. I must’ve been crazy.”

The new album marks a striking depar­ture from the large-ensemble, often orches­tral arrangements that domi­nated Apple’s previous albums. She and Drayton agreed to stay unplugged for as long as they could in the recording process. The resulting stark piano ballads with intricate melodies, changing time signatures, and a bluesy or jazzy, even Tom Waits–like feel make an elegant backdrop for Apple’s passionate and committed vocals, which range from cabaret-style formality to what almost sounds like the artist talking to herself. Dodging artfully around each tune are Drayton’s fluttery drumming, nimble-fingered ­percussion work, and plenty of found sounds of ­mostly indeterminate origin (one rhythm track is a recording of the two dancing on a truck).

“Fiona’s growing and taking bigger chances, an experience she needed to go through,” says Drayton. “I believe she’s not really aware of the size of her musical gift, which often makes me wonder where she finds her ­inspiration. Amongst all there is out there these days, we’re not challenged all that much. Fiona does not compromise how she feels, and why should she?”

There are far fewer portions of ­Angry Young Woman and finger-pointing at ­Apple’s past lovers…on this album than in her earlier work; more songs are about her looking inward and figuring out what makes her tick. “It used to be that everyone else was wrong and I was right,” she says. “Maybe that’s growing up or something, because I absolutely don’t think everyone was so bad to me as I used to think.”

In the loping piano ballad “Left Alone,” she insistently interrogates herself, “How can I ask anyone to love me when all I do is beg to be left alone?”

But it seems that she has learned to appreciate her idiosyncrasies, though she says she’s still on medication to make her day-to-day life run more smoothly.

“I had really bad obsessive-compulsive disorder,” Apple recalls. “At its worst, I was compelled to leave my house at three o’clock in the morning and go out in the alley because I just knew that the ­paper-towel roll I threw in the recycling bin was uncomfortable, like it was lying the wrong way, and I would be down in the garbage.” She grew increasingly frustrated at wasting valuable time when she could be writing songs, and after the last time she rifled through the trash she wrote a reminder to herself on her vintage 1930s chalkboard: “Don’t waste your crazy!”

Lately, Apple prefers to spend her days alone at home in Venice Beach, mainly staying indoors, opting to walk her dog, Janet, either before sunrise or after sunset. “I have no social life or anything like that,” she says. “I used to be ­really ashamed of it, but now I can just freely say that I don’t ever go anywhere or have people over.”

The one exception is Apple’s visits to ­Largo, the L.A. nightclub where she spends time with musicians she’s known for years, though even those excur­sions can bring on social anxiety. “I still get psychosomatically ill going to Largo, to see my friends, getting in the car,” she says, “and my brother will take so fucking long—because my brother has to drive me everywhere—and I’ll start freaking out, and it won’t stop until I’m ­actually there.”

Apple, who’s thinking about moving back to New York City, says she’s newly single and content with it; she doesn’t see herself ever marrying or ­having children.

Fiona Apple’s Return: Idle No More from Spin (May 31 2012)-

She’s told me she lives in Los Angeles, but she doesn’t leave the house. Apple is 34 years old and doesn’t have a driver’s license. “I’m noticing now that I’m not feeling shame saying this,” she says. “Whereas before I probably would’ve, like, lied a little bit about it and been like, ‘Yeah, you know, I see friends sometimes.’ But I really don’t.”

(She does, however, seem comfortable enough around civilians, judging from a scene I witness right before the two of us sit down: Apple rushing up to a deeply perplexed man in a suit and enthusiastically introducing herself, mistaking him for me.)

And now she’s telling me about her first psychiatrist, back when she was a kid…And Apple was furious, even then, about the things other people would write about her, because it was as if the doctors “didn’t even see me — like, they got my hair color wrong even.”

…it’s 2012, and Fiona Apple now has been doing this, trying to explain herself to strangers, for nearly 17 years. She’s been a public figure for half her natural life. And she is still impossibly bad at it.

We talk for a little while about this, the idea that a person in her position might choose to hold back as many details of her personal life as she could. That she spent the first five years of her career speaking her mind in public and being criticized for it. That many people who have sold far fewer records than she has might have figured out ways to be savvy and self-protecting around people who don’t necessarily have their best interests at heart.

“How would I be more savvy right now?” she asks. She’s genuinely perplexed.

…What do you do, except answer the questions honestly? What’s the point if you’re not going to? What’s the point of any of this?”

All the things that would be embarrassing or something, I’m fine with it. I have no shame about any of that stuff. And it delights me to look at that, to be like, ‘Look, you thought that was the end of the world.” And it’s not, it wasn’t, it really wasn’t, so much so that I have not a bit of cringe in me about these things.”

“I sometimes think that I must time-travel and I don’t remember it,” …I can’t remember writing any of the songs that I’ve written. I don’t know what the hell I do with myself…I can’t tell you what I did today. I can’t tell you what I did for seven years. I can’t tell you. It happens so seamlessly — I’m just floating along and seven years go by.”

According to Apple, the concept behind the title The Idler Wheel is wiser than the Driver of the Screw and Whipping Cords will serve you more than Ropes will ever do is hard to explain but has to do with the idea of “being still in the middle of everything else but being able to feel everything.” The idler wheel is the gear that does no work, drives no shafts. “It doesn’t look like it’s doing anything, but I feel like it’s connected to everything,” she says. It’s about how she feels inside the machine of her own life and career. It’s about how she marks time.

She read about whipping cords, which are used to bind and repair frayed ropes, in “this book about boating that was at my last boyfriend’s house.” The idea is less about avoiding mistakes than learning how to cope with them. “You’re gonna get punched and blown around,” she says. She looks over my shoulder into the empty restaurant, tries to figure out how to express what she wants to express. “What’s valuable is to know how to make something out of that.”

She says she hated working on Tidal. She spent those sessions doing crosswords under the piano in the Sony building in Manhattan. “I felt ridiculous being in a studio with real musicians, and I felt like everybody hated me. Everybody did hate me.”

The ‘Extraordinary’ Truth from Entertainment Weekly (09/30/05)-
“She took walks, she read plays, and she watched movies. But mostly Apple just sat in silence out on her lawn. ”You can call it a very long-drawn-out day-to-day meditation,” she says. ”I went through a period where I had a razor blade and was carving things out of wood. I would just do that all day, sitting there and thinking.”

Girl Trouble from Spin (November 1997)- (I transcribed it, it’s a photocopy)
Suddenly she walks up and says “Are people ever mean to you?”

She later tells me that she likes to act all freaky and possessed around reporters so they won’t ask the same dumb questions, like “How does such a big voice come out of such a tiny girl?” and “I heard you were raped, what was that like?”

Fiona Apple is a rock star, and before she has fully become a person, she has become a persona. It’s taking her time to decide which part of her is the image, and which is real.

…Apple started psychotherapy when she was 12…

…she wrote the lyrics for Never Is a Promise when she was 15…

(on Criminal) “I decided if I was going to be exploited, then I would do the exploiting myself.”

(was dating magician David Blaine)-“David and I are both completely fucked-up”…”We’re the most fucked-up people I know.”

“…it’s not about a ‘a place you go.” Making music, I mean. It’s about a place you get out of. I’m underwater most of the time, and music is like a tube to the surface that I can breathe through. It’s my air hole up to the world. If I didn’t have the music I’d be under water, dead.”

Fiona Apple was raised Fiona Maggart-Apple is from her grandmother, her dad’s mom.

When she was a little girl at St. Hilda’s School, she went through a phase where her sister Amber was teh Queen and she was the Dog, and lots of her classmates were mean to her. She calls this period Dog Time.

Once, at Amanda Wheaton’s tenth birthday party, some guys made ten-dollar bets with one another to ask her to dance, so they could reject her when she said yes…She got mad and poured a bucket of cold water on them.

(her mother)-“There’s Fiona, my candle-burning vampire child, who stays up all night long and gets phone message from Marilyn Manson, every mother’s dream”

Then suddenly she’s talking about when she was raped… (the day before Thanksgiving, 1989, 12 years old)
…I started kind of hallucinating…
Afterwards…(she) “took this self-defense course, 25 hours of it, five hours a day for five days”

“I know I’m going to die young…I’m going to cut another album and I’m going to do good things, help people, and then I’m going to die.”

I remember her saying that the guy who raped her was much weaker than she was. “How much strength does it take to hurt a little girl?” she asked. “How much strength does it take for the girl to get over it? Which one of them do you think is stronger?” She is strong enough to admit she’s a mess…”It’s impossible for me to be happy; psychologically and chemically impossible, so I’m going to help some little girl out there. I’m going to let her know that I have stretch marks on my ass, and bunions, that I don’t have my shit together. I want to give that girl some hope. I want her to know that she doesn’t have to have her shit together. She doesn’t. It’s okay if she doesn’t. I’m going to prove that, and then I’m going to die.”

You may also enjoy: (on missemmamm.com)
Fiona Apple Discography Playlist-which includes 15 of my favorite Apple tracks. Hot Knife and Periphery from her new album are included as I particularly dig them.

(elsewhere)
Official Fiona Apple Site
Official Fiona Apple Facebook
Fiona Apple on Soundcloud
Fiona Apple on Ticketmaster-yes, she’s touring!
a ton of photos of Fiona Apple on Brooklyn Vegan
Fiona Apple tags on my tumblr

NOTE: Normally for a Super Links post I would include much shorter parts of the interviews. I find this impossible to do with Fiona Apple. Her music has deeply touched my life for the past 7 years and I feel a real kinship with her. Though I’ve never been raped, I have serious issues with people like she does. So I just couldn’t go bare bones with this.

Best TV Shows of Fall 2011

Since my Best TV Shows of Summer 2011 post was helpful to both myself and many others I thought that it would be a good idea to share my fall TV picks with you as well. Use it to set up your DVR, Hulu playlist, etc. This is long but I like to do things as comprehensively as possible. I do not have any pull so my opinion of new shows is based primarily on the teaser material available to everyone.

*Clicking the series title will take you to the show’s official site.

*To go check on a specific day or genre (ex. Monday or sitcom) you can do a quick Ctrl F search.

SUNDAY

The Cleveland Show-Sundays 7:30PM ET FOX (09/25) *animated*, *sitcom*

The Cleveland Show is the spin off of Seth MacFarlane’s hugely successful Family Guy. If you enjoy the harsh comedy of Family Guy you should definitely check it out. It’s about Cleveland Brown who got back together with an ex from high school and is helping her raise her children. He usually came across as the nicer friend on Family Guy but gets to be a bit meaner on here. His best friends are loser rednecks (including the voice talents of Jason Sudeikis) and a bear. A neat thing about this comedy is that the women are shown as angry and dramatic in a way that is usually steered clear of by other shows.

Select episodes can be viewed on Fox.com or Hulu.

The Simpsons-Sundays 8PM ET FOX (09/25) *animated*, *sitcom*

I’m sure that you are aware of The Simpsons, which is the longest running animated comedy out there. It’s a personal favorite of mine. I know that it gets criticized in the way that SNL does of “it’s not as funny as it was” but you have to realize that a show will not always be the same. I love the experimental creative leaps they’ve taken in some episodes over the last few years. Of course the show is about the dysfunctional Simpsons family.

Most of the time, excluding the Who Shot Mr. Burns? arc years back, the show doesn’t do cliffhangers. However during the last season finale Ned started seeing Edna. Over the summer Fox did a Pro Nedna Vs. No Nedna poll to see if they should continue dating. I initially was against it but now think that it could liven things up a bit.

Select episodes can be viewed on TheSimpsons.com or Hulu.
For info on some upcoming episodes go here.

Once Upon a Time-Sundays 8PM ET ABC (10/23) *drama*, *fantasy*


Jennifer Morrison (good in Urban Legends: Final Cut , super annoying on How I Met Your Mother) stars in this fantasy about a a town with a fairy tale element. It’s basically about cursed fairy tales characters who live in a small town and now don’t remember who they are. Then Emma Swan (who has a link to them) shows up and starts to unravel the past. Ginnifer Goodwin (looking gorgeous here), Robert Carlyle (always amazing) and Lana Parrilla costar. This show looks really fun. The problem is that ABC never gives their fantasy series a shot. I’ve seen so many promising shows that don’t make it out of the first season. It often takes at least 1.5-2 seasons for any show to really find its footing. The also often move the shows around mid-season (sometimes more than once), which creates even more confusion. I’m a fan of Lana Parrilla but she’s been on so many quickly canceled shows (RIP Swingtown/Windfall) that I’m starting to feel bad for her.

The Good Wife-Sundays 9PM ET CBS (09/25) *drama*, *crime*



I’ve been a huge fan of The Good Wife since the beginning. It stars Julianna Margulies as a very internalized lawyer and the wife of a jackass politician who cheated on her repeatedly prior to the start of the series (Chris Noth, who I enjoy watching play a sleazeball). The show usually features a one of (or sometimes 2 part case) that they have to solve as well as the personal lives of herself and her coworkers/competition. This season she is supposed to be becoming more free and try to worry less about everything.

The cast is freaking amazing and includes Josh Charles (of Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead , Sports Night, who I’ve always been a huge fan of), Alan Cumming (who is always so amazing but totally throws you on here because it’s such a different type of character for him), Christine Baranski, Archie Panjabi and Matt Czuchry (of I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell, actually went to law school when he was younger). Oh and then other totally awesome actors like Michael J. Fox and Gary Cole just stop by sometimes. Many of the cast are nominated for Emmys this year and I hope they win every one of them.

The only thing I must mention that may seem slightly negative is that the show is a slow burn payoff type of show. Sometimes you have to wait a while for stuff to happen. CBS has been marketing it an opposite way. And hell market it any way you want if that will get more viewers and keep in on the air, just don’t be disappointed if you don’t get it.

Select episodes, a 20+ minute preview of the 3rd season & Alan Cumming’s vlogs can be viewed on CBS.com.
Go read GQ’s interview with Matt Czuchry and The Baltimore Sun’s interview with Josh Charles’ family.

Family Guy-Sundays 9PM ET FOX (09/25) *animated*, *sitcom*

Family Guy is Seth MacFarlane’s over the top comedy that you either think is undoubtedly, absurdly funny or you already hate it.

Select episodes can be viewed on Fox.com, Hulu or Netflix.

The Walking Dead-Sundays 9PM ET AMC (10/16) *drama*, *horror*

It’s about survivors of a zombie apocalypse. There are a lot of Walking Dead superfans out there. I do watch it and will continue because it’s the first and only zombie TV show. However I don’t enjoy the type of Lost format where nothing is ever tied up. Plus I’m no stranger to zombie/horror movies and this show reminds me of a type of cheaply shot foreign zombie movie. It’s not that it doesn’t have its moments but I have a lot of criticisms of the show while watching it that I find annoying. The show was created by Frank Darabont. The cast includes Norman Reedus.

Boardwalk Empire-Sundays 9PM ET HBO (09/25) *crime*, *drama*

So I haven’t actually gotten around to watching any of Boardwalk Empire yet. When you don’t subscribe to a channel you have to always play catch up with the different series that they offer. The series stars my teen crush Steve Buscemi as a politician and gangster in the 1920s. The cast includes Kelly Macdonald, Michael Pitt, Michael Shannon and Gretchen Mol. The stills that I’ve seen from this are beautiful.

When I get around to catching up on the series I will be referring to Brienne Walsh’s Boardwalk Empire: A Character Guide Part I.

Pan Am Sundays 10PM ET ABC (09/25) *drama*, *1960s*

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OFPxyTEcJXU

Pan Am is one of the many 60s throwback shows that are premiering this fall. Are they due to all of us catching up on Mad Men, running out of decades of other fashion choices or wishing for a simpler time when we weren’t quite as confused about just how we should feel as feminists who like to dress up in cute outfits and be objectified?

I don’t know but the luxury (during our horrible, current depression-that is what it is) and weird simplisticness that is emanating from these shows just screams escapism fun to me. The show stars Christina Ricci and a bunch of guys groomed to look like Ken dolls. I can’t wait.

Hung-Sundays 10PM ET HBO (10/02) *drama*, *sitcom*

Hung is based on a wet dream I had about Thomas Jane as a whore. Wait, it isn’t? Well it is about Thomas Jane being a struggling, middle age gigolo and it’s hella good. This year he competes against a younger model, cat fight! Jane Adams and Anne Heche costar as his pimp and ex wife, respectively.

MONDAY

Dancing with the Stars-Mondays 8PM ET ABC (09/19) *reality*


http://youtu.be/qvWN6Mvvr4M
Dancing with the Stars is the type of show that everyone watches and then acts ashamed about. Luckily I have no shame. Ex stars or in some cases people who are almost stars compete to see who can dance while being personable and flirting with the judges.

Going into the show the celebs that I already like and am rooting for are David Arquette and Ricki Lake. However this is subject to change as the show breaks them (yes, it’s a reality show that is part of the fun!). Lake could be seen as this season’s ringer. The show often features someone with at least some dance experience who claims that they forgot how to dance (see also Jennifer Grey, Drew Lachey, um no, it’s called muscle memory) but like the latter I am a fan of Lake’s so good for her.

This season also includes Nancy Grace so all of us who are awesome are really hoping to see her wipeout. Plus Chaz Bono so that the close minded people can bitch about that. Duh, both of these “celebs” are in the running for the sake of controversy. I just really hope that he can get his mom on here in a few years. You know she’s gonna be in the audience, squee!

How I Met Your Mother-Mondays 8PM ET CBS (09/19) *sitcom*

This used to be my favorite show. I used to turn people onto it all of the time. However the last couple of seasons have went with melodrama (who kills Dauber!?, that is just cruel) for no reason. Please stop this and give us the funny back. Even with that it was sometimes funny though. New promo photos like this are really making me wish that they hadn’t wasted the possibilities of the Barney/Robin romance which could have been funny and wait for it…awesome! Instead we got sad depressing. If this season is really all about a wedding and a pregnancy I’m going to find it very hard to stay awake &/or not throw my drink at the screen. This show features the incredibly talented cast of Josh Radnor, Jason Segel, Cobie Smulders, Neil Patrick Harris & Alyson Hannigan.

2 Broke Girls-Mondays 8:30PM ET CBS (09/19) *sitcom*

I am not going to lie, this sitcom about a formerly rich but now poor waitress and another waitress doesn’t look all that hot but I’d watch Kat Dennings read a phone book.

Gossip Girl-Mondays 8PM ET CW (09/26) *drama*


The beautifully styled soap opera about young adults in NYC who sleep with and betray each other. This year they are traveling to LA and Elizabeth Hurley is dropping by. The beautiful cast includes Blake Lively, Leighton Meester, Penn Badgley, Chace Crawford, Ed Westwick, Kelly Rutherford, Matthew Settle & Taylor Momsen.

Select episodes can be viewed on CWTV.com.
Read the weekly recaps on Vulture.

Two And A Half Men-Mondays 9PM ET CBS (09/19) *sitcom*

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rA9eaLhxURs

For a show that everyone says that they don’t watch Two and a Half Men has a huge viewership. I became a fan a few seasons in and it’s obvious, frat boy funny. I understand the need for them to replace Charlie Sheen and I like Ashton Kutcher but I kind of wish that they had went with someone a little older, like Hugh Grant. I also thought that they could have just made Ryan Stiles a regular, which would have been awesome. The funny series stars Jon Cryer and Angus T. Jones.

Select episodes can be viewed on CBS.com.

Bored to Death-Mondays 9PM ET HBO (10/10) *sitcom*, *crime*

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LSbDaHZtDsU

I haven’t seen much Bored to Death. I only caught a few episodes on Ion & it didn’t click with me. That may be because they were out of order and everything. It does seem like something that I would enjoy though. Hopefully I’ll catch up soon. Plot: “Inspired by detective stories, A well meaning but struggling writer decides to lead a sort of double life by pretending to be a private detective.” (from IMDB.com). It stars yummy Jason Schwartzman, Zach Galifianakis and Ted Danson.

Enlightened-Mondays 9:30PM ET HBO (10/10) *drama*

There isn’t much out about this show yet but it seems to be about a businesswoman who snaps at work. Then she goes away to rest up but when she returns she can’t stand the way people behave. I’m not sure about this one yet but I’ll definitely check it out for Luke Wilson. The show stars Laura Dern and Diane Ladd.

You can watch the preview on EW.com.

Castle-Mondays 10PM ET ABC (09/19) *crime*, *drama*

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y9rdtTUXjcs

Castle is about a detective (Stana Katic) for the NYPD who lets a writer follow her around on cases because he’s adorable. Hey, it’s Nathan Fillion, you would too. I definitely enjoy Castle because of the dynamic between the cast, including Jon Huertas and Seamus Dever. You can’t be a stickler for reality with it though. On basically every episode they arrest & accuse multiple people of murder before nabbing the real killer. There would be so many lawsuits.

You can watch select episodes on ABC.com or Hulu.
Follow Stana Katic on twitter (sometimes she posts behind the scenes pics).

Hawaii Five-0-Mondays 10PM ET CBS (09/19) *action*, *crime*, *drama*

I am super behind on this show. It’s a remake. It stars the sexy Alex O’Loughlin and Scott Caan. Plot: “Steve McGarrett returns home to Oahu, in order to find his father’s killer. The governor offers him the chance to run his own task force (Five-O). Steve’s team is joined by Chin Ho Kelly, Danny “Danno” Williams and Kono Kalakaua. ” (from IMDB.com)

You can watch select episodes on CBS.com.

The Playboy Club-Mondays 10PM ET NBC (09/19) *drama*, *1960s*

(CANCELED. I loved it too. The remaining episodes will air in Canada. They will most likely end up on DVD or a streaming service eventually.)

I love Playboy and its history so I’m really excited about this show. Plus they got Amber Heard who was great in Drive Angry. Eddie Cibrian costars in this drama about the original Playboy Club in Chicago, IL in the 1960s.
Fun Fact: My aunt was a Bunny at the Baltimore, MD Playboy Club in the 1960’s.

Follow Hugh Hefner on twitter.
Playboy in the Sixties on Playboy.com.
Article about the original Playboy Club in Chicago on Playboy.com.
Watch Hugh Hefner: Playboy, Activist and Rebel on Netflix.

TUESDAY

Ringer-Tuesdays 9PM ET CW (09/13) *drama* (FULL FIRST SEASON ORDER!)

Sarah Michelle Gellar stars as estranged twin sisters, one rich, the other a recently reformed drug addict/prostitute. Through odd circumstances the latter ends up posing as the former. I watched the pilot and enjoyed it. It’s interesting to see how she has to react to all of her friends, acquaintances, etc. while not knowing what’s been going or how her sister would normally react. The scorchingly hot (or is it just me?), Kristoffer Polaha (Mad Men, Valentine, North Shore) costars.

Visit this site for spoilers.

New Girl-Tuesdays 9PM ET FOX (09/20) *sitcom*


“I’ll probably be watching Dirty Dancing 6 or 7 times…a day”

Zooey Deschanel stars as a girl who just got dumped and decides to live with 3 male roommates (1 is Damon Wayans Jr. from Dance Flick, yay!).

New Girl is well, uh, it’s okay. It’s basically a hipster sitcom. The problem with that is that hipsters (as far as I understand them, which isn’t well) are trying to be cool all of the time with a border of ironic. To be extremely funny you have to be willing to look like a complete idiot. If you hold back and then pull out the cutie pie look at the end it diminishes the funny.

I don’t have a problem with Deschanel. I’m pretty much in the middle when it comes to her but many people either love her to pieces or hate her with a firey vengeance (yeah, she seems to elicit a strong response). I feel that she’s basically created a strong image of herself. I’m not saying she’s fake but that her presence is probably an exaggerated version of who she is.

The first episode is about how she’s trying to get over a break up and is probably easy for people to sympathize with. I find the main actor somewhat off putting just because it seems less like he’s trying to get her over a breakup and more like he’s trying to teach her to be a woman, which is insulting. Justin Long will be making an appearance in an upcoming episode.

The pilot for new girl will be available for free on many sites prior to the show airing, including iTunes and Hulu (both right now).

Dancing with the Stars (results show)-Tuesdays 9PM ET ABC (09/20) *reality*


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y5A1vSTK76s
On Tuesdays they do the results show. As the season goes on it gets more and more drawn out. They basically just rehash all of the dances/drama from the previous night. If you are watching a recording of it and are in a hurry or annoyed it’s often a good idea to just fast forward to the end to see who was eliminated.

Body of Proof-Tuesdays 10PM ET ABC (09/20) *crime*, *drama*

Dana Delaney stars as a former MD who helps solve crimes by examining dead bodies. Delaney is always great. The talented Jeri Ryan costars.

Watch select episodes on ABC.com.
Follow Dana Delaney on twitter.

Unforgettable-Tuesdays 10PM ET CBS (09/20) *crime*, *drama*


Poppy Montgomery stars as a woman who recalls every moment. This means that she is really great at helping solve crimes but that it takes a horrible toll on her as well. Dylan Walsh (Nip/Tuck) costars.

WEDNESDAY

America’s Next Top Model-Wednesdays 9PM ET CW (09/14) *reality*

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ENlKZasWJaI

You’re probably already familiar with ANTM. This is Tyra Banks’ reality competition to ostensibly find top models. Despite the show never producing a true top model it’s still one of my favorites. The girls are often subjected to ridiculous challenges and then they let that stress out by, say going batshit on another girl who steals her food. Of course my favorite parts are when they are actually modeling. Sometimes they get some really beautiful shots.

This cycle is different because it’s the All-Stars cycle. They enlisted a bunch of girls who lost at other cycles to compete. Of course they choose some big personalities, as well as some girls who take get great shots to amp up the drama. I chose to use a photo of Lisa because she was very memorable. She was often loudly drunk and doing ridiculous things. To shake things up a bit they are also having more celebrity judges. Plus Nigel Barker has hair now! What?!? Awesome.

For more on this cycle’s contestants I suggest visiting Small Screen Scoop and Buddy TV.

Modern Family-Wednesdays 9PM ET ABC (09/21) *sitcom*

Modern Family is about a father (Ed O’Neil) and the lives of he and his adult children and their children. Back before the show came out I didn’t want to give it a chance because it’s about families. However as we all now know it’s freaking hilarious and seems to just get funnier as it progresses. Ty Burrell (love him!), Sofia Vergara (so beautiful people probably can’t look directly at her), Julie Bowen, Eric Stonestreet, Sarah Hyland and Jesse Tyler Ferguson costar.

Watch select episodes on ABC.com or Hulu.

I Hate My Teenage Daughter-Wednesdays 9:30PM ET FOX (11/30) *sitcom*

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MvV6dHgzxhk

I really love the premise of this, 2 grown women who were unpopular in high school now have bitchy teen daughters to deal with. So much so that I’ll take the leap and ignore the fact that Jaime Pressley has always been freaking gorgeous. I’m not crazy about the canned laugh track in the preview and it seems a little too slapsticky but I bet that it will be tinkered with a bit and improve.

American Horror Story-Wednesdays 10PM ET FX (10/05) *fantasy*, *horror*

American Horror Story is from Ryan Murphy (Nip/Tuck) and stars Dylan McDermott (who I read in an article may be freqently nude, yum) and Connie Britton. The series is about a family who moves into an old creepy house for a fresh start. It feels very Amityville Horror meets a made for TV Stephen King movie. The visuals look really freaky, ala The Cell. Definitely gonna check this one out.

Revenge-Wednesdays 10PM ET ABC (09/21) *drama* (Full First Season Order)


A young woman infiltrates a wealthy community to try to set up a way to enact revenge for her family. I’m not really sure on this one but I want to check it out. It could just be the constant ads brainwashing me though.
Note: I quit watching this after a couple of episodes as it was boring me into a coma.

THURSDAY

 

Charlie’s Angels-Thursdays 8PM ET ABC (09/22) *action*

(CANCELED)


So it’s about 3 women who “work for Charlie”. This is of course a remake of the original Charlie’s Angels show. It was produced by Drew Barrymore who starred in & put together both of the Charlie’s Angels films. Since the second film there have been rumors of a third film but I guess that she was never able to get that off of the ground so we are getting this instead. The only cast member that I’m familiar with is Minka Kelly who I enjoyed in The Roommate. I’m basically going to pretend that I’m watching She Spies, cool, okay? I’ll be hoping for a lot of costume changes.

The Big Bang Theory-Thursdays 8PM ET CBS (09/22) *sitcom*

It’s a comedy about a bunch of (mostly) PHDs. I thought that the season ending cliffhanger of Penny and Raj (whose social anxiety is so bad that he can only talk to women, at all, while drunk) get drunk and hook up was pretty crazy. Good crazy, bad crazy, I’m unsure. However I just wish that they’d sort of mix this show up a bit. I was really into it in the beginning but them it seemed to become only about everyone getting girlfriends, which is like lots of other shows and not as imaginative as it was.

Watch select episodes on CBS.com.

Parks and Recreation-Thursdays 8:30PM ET NBC (09/22) *sitcom*

This show just seems to get increasingly funnier the long that it goes on and the more that we learn about all of quirky characters. It’s about a bunch of people who work at a town hall in a fictional town in Indiana. The last season ended with Amy Poehler and Adam Scott’s characters finally getting together but now their relationship is in peril because Poehler’s Knope is going to run for office. Ron Swanson FTW!

You can watch select episodes on NBC.com, Hulu or Netflix.

Rules of Engagement-Thursdays 8:30PM ET CBS (10/20) *sitcom*
(was on Saturday 8PM ET CBS (10/08)-moved to Thursday nights)

Rules of Engagement is always funny. It gives me a way to see David Spade every week, which would be enough but on top of that everyone else on it is also great. The cast includes Patrick Warburton, Oliver Hudson and Bianca Kajlich.

It’s mainly about the differences between men and women. I’m sort of upset that CBS moved it to Saturday though because that’s where shows go to die. On the plus side though you can watch this and then many, many hours later watch SNL.

HIMYM could take some clues from Rules in the area of players. They routinely diminsh Barney when he’s dealing with relationship issues while Spade’s Russell on Rules is a player but even when he’s seeing someone it’s still funny. In fact, it’s often funnier.

You can watch select episodes on CBS.com.
Follow the cast on twitter.

The Office-Thursdays 9PM ET NBC (09/22) *sitcom*

Who will be the new manager of The Office? Um, as long as it stays funny what’s the difference? Seriously though I’m just glad that we don’t have to drag out the schmaltzy Michael’s leaving stuff any longer. A great ensemble sitcom that is basically consistently funny.

Watch select episodes on NBC.com, Hulu or Netflix.

Whitney-Thursdays 9:30PM ET NBC (09/22) *sitcom* (FULL FIRST SEASON ORDER!)

Whitney Cummings gets every comedian’s dream with her own sitcom. The problem might be that it’s on network television and she is very filthy so I’m not sure how much she will be able to get in. The preview is uneven but when she’s funny she’s very funny. The loose “plot” (to have something to make jokes around) seems to just be about her dating Chris D’Elia. I totally miss him on Glory Daze and it only ended earlier this year. Hopefully they both get to be outrageous and bounce shit off of each other because if he has to play her straight man that will suck. So yeah, I’m hoping that it will be really funny, not censored too much and last.

Watch Whitney Cummings: Money Shot stand up special on Netflix.

Bones-Thursdays 9PM ET FOX (11/03) *crime*, *drama*

Bones is a procedural crime drama whose sparks comes from the chemistry between David Boreanaz‘s cop character and Emily Deschanel’s forensic anthropologist.

Watch select episodes on FOX.com, Hulu or Netflix.
You can check out a spoiler here.

Grey’s Anatomy-Thursdays 9PM ET ABC (09/22) *drama*, *medical*

Grey’s is a soapy medical drama that’s good if you don’t worry too much about the patients. It has a huge ensemble cast that includes the gorgeous Eric Dane.

Watch select episodes on ABC.com, Hulu or Netflix.

Person of Interest-Thursdays 9PM ET CBS (09/22) *drama*


Plot: “Centers on ex-CIA hitman and a scientist who team up to prevent crimes before they happen. ” (from IMDB.com). This looks like a pretty cool concept. It stars the talented James Caviezel.

The Secret Circle-Thursdays 9PM ET CW (09/15) *drama*, *fantasy*, *horror* (FULL FIRST SEASON ORDER!)

This is sort of a preppy TV version of The Craft. I will be checking it out to see how they will be using Gale Harold. Ah, using Gale Harold, wait what was I talking about? Seriously though, even if I hate it I will fast forward to the Gale Harold parts. He had a good role on last year’s Hellcats so I guess the CW decided to keep him in their sights due to that.

30 Rock-Thursdays 10PM ET NBC (early 2012) *sitcom*

Truly hilarious sitcom. Everybody on it is great. It’s about a variety show set at 30 Rockefeller Plaza in NYC, ala SNL. They often make inside jokes about the show and the companies that own the show, which is pretty awesome. Stars Tina Fey and Alec Baldwin.

You can watch select episodes on NBC.com, 30 Rock or Netflix.

It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia-Thursdays 10PM ET FX (09/15) *sitcom*

I pretty much avoided watching It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia until this summer because I already have to many shows to watch. It’s quite ridiculous and funny. It’s about a group of friends who run a bar in Philadelphia.

You can watch select episodes on Hulu.

Prime Suspect-Thursdays 10PM ET NBC (09/22) *crime*, *drama*


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sGuaQRY4-aQ
Maria Bello stars as a ballsy NYPD detective. Great actress.

Private Practice-Thursdays 10PM ET ABC (09/29) *medical*, *drama*

Private Practice is the spin off of Grey’s Anatomy starring Kate Walsh and Tim Daly. It would be disingenuous to go further as I haven’t watched it in forever. That’s just due to having to make programming choices though. It’s a decent show.

Watch select episodes on ABC.com or Hulu.

The Mentalist-Thursdays 10PM ET CBS (09/22) *crime*, *drama*


He solves crimes by being perceptive. I don’t watch The Mentalist anymore but I like knowing that the super hot Simon Baker (Sex and Death 101, Something New) is there should I decide to restart. Robin Tunney costars.

FRIDAY

Nikita-Fridays 8PM ET CW (09/23) *crime*, *action*, *drama*

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IBWcZo1-isE
Plot: “Nikita is a trained assassin gone rogue trying to stop a secret U.S. agency known only as Division from recruiting deeply troubled teenagers and training them to be assassins.” (from IMDB.com). Just a great show with a great cast. Maggie Q, Shane West and Lyndsy Fonseca star.

Watch select episodes on CWTV.com.
cast twitter feed
Follow director Jeffrey Hunt on twitter, he posts set pictures.
Check out the time my name was on Nikita.

A Gifted Man-Fridays 8PM ET CBS (09/23) *medical*, *drama*, *fantasy*


Patrick Wilson (Barry Munday, Hard Candy) stars as a doctor who starts seeing a ghost. I’m ambivalent about this one thus far. I will check it out to see what Wilson does with the role.

Grimm-Fridays 9PM ET NBC (10/21) *fantasy*, *crime*, *drama*

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kh3rFsv_WSE

This one seems to involve fairy tales gone wrong that they need to investigate. So it’s putting me in mind of a serious Special Unit 2. I’m pretty stoked about it even though it seems like the type of show that could easily be canceled as I get very into it.

SATURDAY

Saturday Night Live-Saturdays 11:30PM ET NBC (09/24) *variety*

This year SNL is in its 37th season. The current cast includes Bill Hader, Andy Samberg, Jason Sudeikis, Fred Armisen, Kenan Thompson, Seth Meyers, Kristen Wiig, Bobby Moynihan, Abby Elliott, Jay Pharoah, Nasim Pedrad, Taran Killam, Paul Brittain and Vanessa Bayer. So far the hosts/musical guests announced for this season include: Alec Baldwin with Radiohead (09/24), Melissa McCarthy with Lady Antebellum (10/01) and Jimmy Fallon with Michael Buble (12/17). There is no way for me to accurately describe how much I love Saturday Night Live (every cast/season) so I won’t try. Just watch it.

Watch select episodes on NBC.com, Hulu or Netflix.

BUY

LAST UPDATED: November 2011

Movie Quotes: The Hangover Part 2

FYI: This is spoiler heavy. For more on The Hangover Part 2 please read my previous post.


(awesome soundtrack)

Phil: “It happened again”
Tracy: “”Don’t say that”
Phil: “No, this time we really fucked up”
Tracy: “Seriously, what is wrong with you three?”
Phil: “So much Trace, I don’t even know where to begin”

Phil: “Hey how do you work the nitrous?”
Stu: “Uh, you don’t”
Phil: “C’mon, just one hit”

Stu: “It’s my bachelor brunch, go crazy, get some chocolate chip pancakes, a lap dance from the waitress”

Stu: “Do you see that? That’s orange juice with a napkin on top, so nobody roofies me”

Phil: “…you take Vegas out of that equation you would have married a cunt. Oh, it’s okay, I’m allowed to say it, it’s a bachelor party, drink up everybody, oh wait, there’s no alcohol, I forgot, we’re at a fuckin’ IHOP”

Sid: “I’m not sure he ever left Vegas, ya know. He really needs this”

Phil: “Pretty cool room Alan”
Alan: “Oh thanks Phil, my dad pays my rent”

Stu: “well only if you’re not busy”
Phil: “Stu”
Stu: “well maybe the Jonas Brothers are in town”
Alan: ‘No, they’re in Raleigh-Durham that weekend…”

Alan: “Phil are you going?”
Phil: “Of course”
Alan: “Then it will be fun”

Stu: “That’s supposed to done by a registered nurse.”
Alan: “I’m a nurse, I’m just not registered.”

Alan: “So what are you, a doctor?”
Teddy: “No, not yet, I’m pre-med”
Alan: “Ever heard of that guy Doogie Howser?”
Teddy: “yeah”
Alan: “Well he turned out to be a gay”
Doug: “Alan”
Alan: “It’s true, I read it in Teen People

Alan: “It’s just the first I’ve heard of it, you could have paged me”

Stu: “Between Teddy and me you must be excited to have two doctors in the family”
Fohn: “You have to realize in my country we don’t consider dentists to be real doctors.”

Alan: “that was my dad, I’m a stay at home son”

Alan: “I’ve been uh meaning to ask someone, I notice it’s an uh fishing village, is there a Long John Silver’s on the island?”
Lauren: “You know, no I don’t think so, I’m so sorry”
Stu: “but, we are actually serving some great seafood”
Alan: “Better than Long John’s?”
Stu: “Yes”
Alan: “I’ll be the judge of that…”

Alan: “…None of you know Stu like I do, not you, not you, not you, not you, not nobody knows Stu like I do, no one. I can’t even tell you what we’ve been through cuz we mad a pact more important than blood. What I can tell you is this is not Stu’s first marriage, there was a whore in Las Vegas a couple of years ago”

Phil: “Oh rice pudding, what are you doing?”
Stu: “ha, ha, ha”

Teddy: “I’m not really old enough to drink”
Alan: “Yeah, it’s illegal. It’d be a shame if somebody reported you”

Phil: “…not big breasts on her but still sold rack for an Asian”
Stu: “That is just wildly inappropriate and still I’m really glad you’re here…”

Alan: “Phil, I think it’s happened again.”
Phil: “Alan, what the fuck did you do?”

Phil: (laughing) “That’s good, why don’t you try to wash it off?”
Stu: “It’s not coming off, this is a real tattoo!”

Doug: “God, what city?”
Phil: “I don’t know Doug, fuckin’ Asiantown”

Stu: “It’s a 100 degrees and we don’t have a plan and all we’ve done is buy him hats and sodas”
Alan: “What? It’s a bag of Fanta”

Stu: “16 years old, spends the night in prison, can you imagine?”
Alan: (laughs) “we love to party”

Stu: “Fuck that police! Fuck tha police!”

Tattoo Joe: “Then you decided to get a tattoo, cried like a little bitch, this kid’s fuckin’ 9 years old, got balls twice your size…”

Alan: “Oh, the monkey is a pervert!”

Alan: “When a monkey nibbles on a penis it’s funny in any language.”

Stu: “Wow, it’s so beautiful” (at the monastery)
Alan: “What is this, a P.F. Chang’s?”

Stu: “Oh my god, we kidnapped a monk.”
Alan: ‘Uh, we live an alternative lifestyle.”

Phil: “Oh, all right so much for holy people, bunch of bald assholes…”

Kimmy: “Of course I remember him, he was buying shots for everyone, nice kids, his parents must be so proud.”

Kimmy: “Don’t be sad Stu, you love it, you say how special it was, you were crying”
Phil: “Wait, he was crying?”
Alan: “What a baby, he was crying”

Stu: “Load? What load?”
Kimmy: “You know, my sperms”
Stu: “Your English is off. You’re talking about my sperm. Where would your sperm come from?”
Kimmy: “from my balls”

Kimmy: “Hey you in Bangkok sweetie, there’s a reason they don’t call it Bangcunt”

Alan: “I don’t get it. Is this a magic show?”

Stu: “You shot you’re load in me? Am I a bottom?”

Alan: “I”m sorry but I am so confused.”
Stu: “I made love to a man with boobies.”

Phil: “And then we forget, that’s what we do, I do so much fucked up shit and then I just forget about it”

Alan: “God, I never get to keep no monkeys”

Alan: “Hey Phil he’s got a banana on his helmet, these guys are the real deal”

Phil: “Actually the bullet just grazed my arm, 8 stitches, it only cost $6, how is that even possible?”

Phil: “What did you do to the marshmallows Alan?”
Alan: “Well isn’t it obvious? I spiked them with muscle relaxers and plus my ADHD medication”

Phil: “You’re not my friend”
Alan: “Don’t say that Phil. Are you serious? Even in America?”


(source: galifianafuck.tumblr.com)

Stu: “You’re the bearded devil”
Alan: “You liked it. You smiled at me when I held up the bag of marshmallows.”
Stu: “Because I like marshmallows you fucking psycho!”

Alan: “What about England Phil? Will we still be friends there?”
Phil: “Alan I told you it was the heat of the moment, we’re still friends, all over the world.”

Alan: “First the monkey, now my hat, how much worse can this day get?”

Mr. Chow: “Oh, you never do blow before? Sometimes your hearts stops then starts up again. Read a book.”

Phil: “Why would you do that?”
Mr. Chow: “Safekeeping pretty boy. I got a lot of heat on my ass, I got FBI, Bangkok PD, Interpol, MSNBC…”

Mr. Chow: “This monkey isn’t just a normal monkey. Think of him like monkey drug mule…”

Phil: “How’d we wind up with a monkey last night anyway?”
Mr. Chow: “I needed some blow and Alan thought he was cute so we stole him”

Alan: “Oh my word!”

Alan: “…I’m at my wit’s end!”


(source: petetownshend.tumblr.com)

 

Alan: “I’m gonna miss you monkey. I wish monkeys could Skype. Maybe one day.”

Phil: “Do you ever do anything that doesn’t end up in a stand off Chow?”
Mr. Chow: “I’m an international criminal, it always ends like this, I met my wife at one of these things.”

Phil: “Your password’s BOLOGNA1?”
Mr. Chow: “Well it used to be just BOLOGNA but now they make you add number.”
Kingsley: “fucking annoying”

Stu: “I have a weakness for prostitutes, all kinds apparently. I have a demon in me.”
Phil: “so what”

Stu: “…I’m gonna stay here in Bangkok. I think I belong here. Open up a little dentist’s office, teeth cleanings with a happy ending.”

Alan: “Hey! What the crud?”

Phil: “Chow has a speed boat?”
Teddy: “The Perfect Life”

Teddy: “It’s funny I can’t remember anything but when I woke up I was kinda happy.”
Stu: “Yeah”
Teddy: “By the way, do you have any idea where my finger is?”
Stu: “Yeah, we gave it to a drug dealing monkey.”
Teddy: “Bangkok”
Stu: “Yeah, right? Fuckin’ Bangkok.”

Stu: “…I’m actually a part of this weird wolfpack.”
Alan: “Hey it’s not weird it’s pretty cool actually, no membership fees”

Alan: “Thanks Phil, you should shave your head too.”
Phil: “Why would I do that?”
Alan: “Well that way we could look exactly alike”

Alan: “We have him for the night we don’t own him permanently” (in reference to Mike Tyson singing)

Mike Tyson: “By the way, you really need to remove that fuckin’ tattoo from your face”

Teddy: “Hey guys, you’re not gonna believe this”
Phil: “Is that your phone?”
Teddy: “Yeah”
Phil: “How come you never tried calling us?”
Teddy: “It’s been dead for 2 days but I recharged it and found all these photos”
Stu: “What”
Phil: “Shit”
Teddy: “Yeah some of it’s pretty messed up”
Mike Tyson: “Awesome, let’s check ’em out”
Stu: “Whoa, whoa, no one needs to see this stuff”
Mike Tyson: “C’mon man, I’m Mike Tyson I’ve seen everything”

Movie Quotes: Due Date

Due Date is a road trip comedy about two people who are complete opposites starring Robert Downey Jr. and Zach Galifianakis and directed by Todd Phillips (The Hangover, The Hangover 2, Old School, Road Trip). Initially I had no interest in seeing this film that seemed to just be a contrived money grab. When it hit DVD and I was subjected to the repetitive ads I figured that I would give it a shot. Yes, it’s an unneeded movie in the scheme of things but it’s very funny.

Ethan: “We haven’t been drinking, we split a 6 pack of 40s”

Peter: I’ve never done drugs in my life, this is abs, this is crazy”

Ethan: “I have 90 friends on Facebook, 12 of them are pending, but I have 90 friends”

Ethan: “he thinks he’s human, so stupid” (while feeding his dog at the table in a diner)

Ethan: “…Two and a Half Men is the reason I wanted to become an actor, especially the second season”


(source: sarahwand.tumblr.com)

Ethan: “I shouldn’t have come here, I’m allergic to waffles”

Ethan: “She’s very legitimate, I met her on Craigslist” (about a drug dealer)

Peter: “What terms do you think in?”
Ethan: “I’m not an accountant, I’m not even Jewish.”
Peter: “Are you an adult?”
Ethan: “Of course I’m an adult, I’m 23 years old.”
Peter: “You are the most shot out 23 year old I’ve ever seen.”

Peter: “You have a reservation at Chili’s?”
Ethan: “That’s actually smart, they get busy on Wednesdays”

Lonnie: (singing) “It’s closing time, time to go to Chili’s and chow down with my fuckin’ boys”

Ethan: “Oh that’s just me, I’m masturbating”

Peter: “Your fuckin’ dog’s doin it too”

Ethan: “I also fell asleep during a job interview at Bank of America”

Peter: “…I despise you at a cellular level.”
Ethan: “Okay, I’ve heard that before and I’m trying to work on it.”

Peter: “That was Shakespeare, heard of him?”
Ethan: “Yes, I’ve heard of him, he’s a famous pirate and by the way it’s Shakesbeard.”

Darryl: “and you just spit on his dog”

Peter: “Give me that dog and I will rip it in half.”
Ethan: “You better check yourself before you wreck yourself.”

Peter: “What was that site called?”
Ethan:ItsRainingTwoAndAHalfMen.com

Border Guard: “What about the dog? Does he have glaucoma? Cuz his eyes are glassy as fuck”

Ethan: “Well I’m in stealth mode, I’ve got the scarf on my head and everything”

Peter: “No I’m not naming my son after a masturbating dog.”